It was a lot easier than when I did NaNoWriMo in 2004, but it was still very hard.

Me rest now…

• Pick Me! » Life after NaNoWriMo

I told myself that I was going to take a month off and not write a word for a month, but my fingers have all of these muscles from writing every day and they get restless if I leave them with nothing to do. I wrote over 14,000 words in two days. I can’t expect to go cold turkey, can I?

After years of writing almost every day, doing 2000 words a day isn’t that difficult. I am working on my new novel/blog: Merriton – 35 Minutes from Home. I already had several chapters written before I started and an outline for each week for the next two years, but I’m not counting all that in my word count for NaNoWriMo. I’m just working on adding 2000 new words to the total every day this month (except the four days for Thanksgiving weekend).

My only hope is that I don’t procrastinate and leave myself with 14,000 words to write in the last two days like I did in 2004.

This isn’t the first time this has happened.

I had a stint a couple of years ago with an Animal Crossing obsession. Even when I first started this blog, I had this trouble.

It feels like the words leave me. Because I have dealt with this before, I feel like I should be calm and rational about it. I should be able to just use my logic, knowing that the words came back before means that they’ll come back this time.

But I am not a logical creature, no matter how much I wish to be.

Whenever I feel this empty, there is an accompanying panic that I will ALWAYS be this empty. There is a fear that my words will never return.

What does it mean when a writer doesn’t write? Am I still a writer?

My instinct is to quit writing completely. Let all the blogs go dark and say that I’m not coming back in the foreseeable future. I could get a job being a secretary or scanning merchandise at Walmart. At least with a receptionist job, I would get health insurance for less than $750 a month. Maybe I NEED to be bored out of my skull with a job that doesn’t task my mind in order to get my words back.

All I know is that I am sick of being unproductive and I want to feel the flow of letters out of my fingers again. What do I need to do?

Mike and I were in an antique store in Galveston, Texas. The pin read, ” For Progress in Writing.”

“Since I don’t win awards, I’ll just give myself one.”

“Oh, are you a writer?”

“Yes.”

“Are you published?”

“Every day on the Internet.”

Her face turned and her husband went on to talk about a local author who was REALLY published. Her books were even translated into German. I held my tongue, knowing that I have more readers in Germany every month than I ever thought possible.

I wonder if Benjamin Franklin had to deal with that attitude.

Franklin apprenticed at a printing press, so he had access to his own publishing method. Just like me, he was able to print up his own thoughts. When Poor Richard’s Almanack was a hit, I wonder if people said, “Well, you printed it up yourself, so it’s not really a book.”

I used to think that making my living writing was validation enough. I do this full-time and survive on it. That should be enough, right? I guess not. Apparently it has to be on paper to count.

But then again, Mike has published nearly 100 books on real, live paper, and that’s still not enough for people. They say, “Those are computer books.” As if all the work Mike put into them wasn’t as valuable as writing yet ANOTHER vampire novel.

I wonder if Issac Asimov had to deal with that attitude.

Asimove wrote over five HUNDRED books, most of them technical. I wonder if people said, “No, how many REAL books have you written?” Did they discount all of his technical writing the same way they do Mike’s?

If someone paid me to drive a bus, then I would be a bus driver. No one would question it. No one’s face would turn when I told them it was a school bus, not a municipal bus. Even if I drove a bus for a charity and didn’t get paid for it, they would still consider me a bus driver. That’s not how it works for writers.

No wonder Emily Dickinson hid away in her home…

Can’t Randy and Sierra leave the Bowen house but stay in Merriton? Maybe there could be a fire that destroys the house and they are forced to rebuild some super-green one? Just pondering…

I would love to keep them in Merriton and they are definitely going to stay in the lives of the people of Merriton, but they have to leave the Bowen House. No one stays in the Bowen house more than two years.

I just don’t want to make them suffer, so I haven’t written. I’m FOUR months behind because I don’t want to bring the story to its logical conclusion.

I have to just get over it and do what I need to do…

I spend a lot of time thinking about all the people in Merriton. Sometimes I want to torture them. Sometimes I want to make them happy. Sometimes I want to put them in situations just to see how they will get out of them. Most of the time, they are just talking in my mind and make it hard for me to live in the real world.

I’m happy with the story and I only have a year left to tie up all the stories I wanted to tell about these people. Will Randy and Sierra break the curse of the Bowen house and stay in Merriton longer than two years? I don’t know. Is that wrong?

It has been almost a month since CES 2008 started. Experience has taught me to let things settle for a bit before I rant about them. I’m ready to rant now. 2008 marked the first year that CES made a distinction between “real” press and bloggers by issuing Blogger badges.

There was a separate Blogger Lounge, which was literally a mile away from the main floor. I measured the distance with my Nike+, and it was a mile of walking between the “real” Press Lounge and the Blogger Lounge. That was a sort of slap in the face, but the guards allowed bloggers into the “real” Press Lounge and vice versa. This made the the Blogger Lounge an abandoned haven of quiet, which I actually appreciated and needed when the din of the showroom floor got too much for me.

Walking to the Blogger Lounge really showed me how much they loved us, however:

• Twitter / Laura Moncur: Wow, I’m SO feelin’ the LUV for bloggers at CES. They’ve crammed us in the back as FAR from the press room as possible.

Of course, when I reviewed the paperwork they had sent me, I FULLY understood how much they loved bloggers:

Not only were we a segregated class of lowly bloggers, they didn’t even bother proofreading their materials. Luckily, I was able to take advantage of the “Blooger Services” while I was there. At least they got our badges right…

There were some advantages to wearing the Blogger badge instead of the Press badge (like I did the previous two years). In the International halls, we weren’t attacked by the people manning the booths. We were able to look at everything without the companies desperately trying to get some “press.” Ironically, I can probably give them FAR more press than the tech editor of some po-dunk town newspaper, but I was glad to be able to see things without being bombarded.

I am continually surprised at how many times I was asked, “What’s a Blogger?” I bit my tongue and turned my laughing face away when an old-school Press-badge wearing codger asked Mike that very question. Mike, the saint that he is, patiently explained that we write technology stories on the Internet. More often than not, it was someone minding a booth in the International Hall asking what a blogger was. By the end of the show, we had a short and friendly response to the question.

All of the feelings of being a second-class citizen was painful. It just reminded me that we have so much further to go.

And then Gizmodo pulled their TV-B-Gone Prank and I hung my head in shame.

The teeth-grinding part of this situation is that the Gizmodo guys had “real” Press badges. I watched a few of them bragging about their shiny red badges when we were at the show. The worst part of it all is how much the Gawker blogs bragged about this incident. Even after a month of cooling, I feel such an anger at Gawker Media for embarrassing me and my profession. I want to see all of Gawker Media banned from CES next year, not just the guys who were involved with the prank.

The saddest and most pathetic aspect of this whole year at CES is the realization that Mike came to the first night that we were there. All the Hilton Convention Center employees had been given instructions to treat us nicely. CES had gone out of their way to set up lounges for Bloggers that had wi-fi. Last year, there was no wi-fi in the Press Lounge. Mike and I really got the impression that they were trying to be NICE to us, despite the segregation. Then, Mike had a flash of realization.

CES gave us separate Blogger badges because they wanted to BRAG about how many bloggers were at the show.

They were trying to prove how hip and up-to-date they are. It wasn’t meant as a kick in the gut. The CEA wasn’t trying to create a second-class press badge. They were actually trying to help and accommodate us. They were PROUD of how many bloggers they had and ended up insulting us all, despite all their well-intentioned efforts.

That realization makes the prank that Gizmodo pulled even MORE insulting. It makes us look even more unprofessional. I wouldn’t be surprised if it becomes even more difficult for a blogger like me to get into CES.

Lots of people asked me what CES was like this year. I’ve shrugged my shoulders and bit my tongue for a month, and even after that long, I’m still embarrassed, angry and shamed.

Write Anyway

I write anyway. I usually sit at the computer or sometimes I do it offline, but I give myself 15-30 minutes and just write. I don’t let myself stop writing. Even if I have to write, “I don’t have anything to say,” over and over, I still keep writing.

Eventually something good comes out of it.

Mostly, it’s crap, but there usually is a kernel of a good idea that comes and I am able to write.

Read A Lot

I like to read a lot of weblogs, magazines and books so that I have lots of ideas floating around in my head. This can be a procrastination technique, however, so watch yourself.

Take a Walk or Go For a Run

Sometimes when I’m really stymied, I’ll go for a walk or a run without my iPod. It doesn’t matter if I walk outside or on the treadmill as long as I don’t distract myself with TV, videos, music or other external distractions. If I am walking with my thoughts, I tend to get ideas.

Meditate

Now, there are a million ways to meditate. Most of them don’t work for me. I use these meditations:

• To Do List: I sit comfortably with a pad of paper nearby. I try to meditate and when my mind wanders, I write down whatever I’m worried about. I go back to meditating. If my mind wanders back to the same item, I dismiss it with the thought, “I have that written down. I’ll deal with it when I’m finished,” and go back to meditating. If a different thought comes to mind, I write it down. When I’m finished, I’ve found that I HAVE to actually take care of the things on that list or my mind doesn’t believe me the next time I meditate.

• Staring at a Moving Thing: I like candles and windchimes, but lava lamps will work as well. Just focusing my mind on the movement helps me calm down and think of ideas.

I usually set a countdown timer on my watch to go off in a few minutes so I’m not always checking a clock.

Take My Computer Somewhere Else

The beauty of a laptop is the ability to take it anywhere to write. The same is true for a notebook if you don’t mind transcribing once you get back to the computer. Just changing your location can make things fresh and new.

And Now For Something Completely Different

Sometimes I just do something completely different, like drawing or photography or videos. Changing to a different medium is a good way to keep from being bored and gives me something to write about.

Stop Taking Myself So Seriously

I’m not creating great art here. The minute I start thinking that I’m creating Great Art, then I freeze up and I’m completely unable to do anything. Seth Godin’s idea of being The Best is a really good idea, but every time I focus on The Best, I just end up paralyzed. Instead, I focus on just telling my small piece of the human story.

Don’t Let It Go Dark

I always imagine my weblog like a theater. If I don’t post one day, it will “go dark” and people will come to the theater, shake the locked doors and wonder where I am. I imagine those people vividly and I don’t want my blog to be that theater. Even if I post something small and simple, it’s better than going dark.

Write In My Journal Every Day

I have an offline journal that I write in every day. It allows me to get all the junk out of my head so I can actually write the “good” stuff. It’s my secret weapon.

Don’t Give Yourself An Excuse

When my blog does go dark, it’s because I’ve given myself an excuse to let it. When I refuse to give myself an excuse, I end up posting something and sometimes it’s better than I imagined it could be. Most of the time, I just post crap, but every once and a while, something good comes out of my fingers onto the keyboard.

Sometimes, I feel like forcing it makes it worse. Sometimes, I feel like just getting my fingers on the keyboard and forcing it is the answer. Sometimes, I feel ashamed that I have been such a “slacker.” Sometimes I feel like it doesn’t matter because no one reads my sites anyway (which I know is a lie, but I tell myself that anyway).

Sometimes I wish it was like before. You know, before I realized that the whole world could read my weblog. I felt like I could say almost anything. Back in my mind, I knew that everyone could read my words, but I felt anonymous. Even though my full real name was plastered on it, I felt anonymous. There was really no excuse for that feeling, but I liked it when I had it.

What would I say right now if no one was reading?

• I’m sick of traveling, even though we are traveling for “pleasure.” I want to live somewhere I don’t have to escape from.

• I wish we could move to San Diego and every month that we stay here, I feel like I’m not living my most full life.

• I want the Geek community to grow in Salt Lake City, but KNOW that we will never be as interesting or as invigorating as the Geek community in San Francisco. I also know that the Geek community in San Diego could also never compete with San Francisco, but I don’t care.

• I HATE Utah because of the strong religious influence. It feels like a brick pressing on my chest all the time. It feels like a sword dangling from a thread over my head.

Logically, none of this makes sense. It doesn’t matter where I live, all that matters is what I do. I could live in a shack in the middle of nowhere and as long as I had Internet connectivity, I could work. I don’t need to live in California to work. I don’t need to live in California to thrive. All of this has nothing to do with Utah and EVERYTHING to do with my state of mind.

I just need to fix my head, but I don’t know how…

It’s making me wonder.

Twitter only allows my to get my thoughts across in 140 characters. When I am texting on my phone, the 140 limit is a breeze. When I am typing on the keyboard, however, I hit the limit time and time again. Are there more words in my fingers than my thumbs?

When I can write I’m grateful and write as much as I can. When I can’t, I start blaming everything around me, oblivious to the fact that creativity comes in waves. I just need to ride the waves the best I can. Soon the words will flow out of my fingers again and I’ll have to mop up the mess on my keyboard.

To be honest, the whole troll thing is just bugging the crap out of me and I don’t want to tear off my skin and expose it to the underbelly of humanity in addition to the greatness.

To be totally honest, I’ve found Sims 2 for my DS to be a much more comforting way to deal with humanity. The Sims don’t even speak English, so I look like a genius to them.