Here it is. Everything you’ve always dreamed of. What do they talk about when they’re in the locker room? I will give you, word for word, everything that was said in the locker room after my workout.

At first there were three of us: the gym babe, a blonde in a towel and me. I came in and started talking.

ME: “You know what’s really weird? When you’re listening to a song on your headphones and when you turn it off, the music overhead is playing the same song.”

BABE: “No kidding.”   BLONDE: “You know what’s weirder is when you change the radio station and the exact same song is playing on a different station in the same spot.”

We all nodded. The babe left the locker room. The blonde continued to dress. She put on a blue and white print sundress that looked far too cold for the Utah weather outside. We’ve had a heat wave at 37 degrees. It has addled our minds.

ME: “I love that dress. It looks like a blue and white china platter.”

BLONDE: “Yeah! I saw this dress at Ross and I just had to have it. I got this suit with a skirt and pants, for work. It was only twenty dollars for the suit and the pants were seven.”

ME: “Wow. What a good deal!”

She held up the blue pinstriped suit. I knew that I should be wearing nice outfits like that to complete my secretary costume, but in this cold, I just can’t bring myself to do it. Here is this girl in a sundress in the middle of winter. What’s the matter with me?

I noticed that she had a ankle bracelet on her right leg and a tattoo on her left. The tattoo was very colorful and quite large, covering half of her calf. I hurriedly changed out of my sweaty clothes and jogging bra, hiding behind the lockers so she couldn’t see me.

BLONDE: “What do you think of this sweater?”

She had topped the sundress with a long, blue sweater. It matched perfectly and ended where her skirt ended. It was fabulous.

ME: “You look great! I love that sweater. It’s perfect.”

We both went to the mirror to put on makeup.

BLONDE: “Sorry I’m taking up so much space.”

ME: “There’s plenty of room.”

BLONDE: “I just take up half the thing.”

She indicated her gym bag.

ME: “Yeah, me too.”

We silently put on our makeup. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught her looking at me. I wondered what she thought about my boring jeans and bright green shirt. She started talking, but it wasn’t to me. She was on her cell phone.

BLONDE: “Yeah, I’m almost done.”

She took the towel off her head and her long blonde hair was wet, perfectly curly and fabulous.

BLONDE: “I had to shower because I was stinky, so I’ll be there soon?Ok, bye.”

I was done and now it was time for me to hurry back to work. I really looked at her before I left. She was decked out in sparkly blue eye shadow. At that moment, I wanted to trade. I wanted her to go back to my engineers and their construction specifications and I could go to her life and the voice on the other end of her cell. She obviously was living a much more exciting life than I was allowing myself to live. I wanted to be her.

ME: “Wow! You’re sparkly! You look great! Have fun!”

I walked out of the locker room and back to my engineers.