Pick Me!

A weblog by Laura Moncur


I Want To Go Home

Filed under: Personal History — Laura Moncur @ 5:00 am

During my fourth grade year, my grandma and grandpa moved to Billings, Montana. I used to sleep over at her house quite often when they lived in Salt Lake, so my grandma would let me pick out a nightgown to wear out of her drawer. My favorite was a purple nightgown with hand embroidery on neckline. She gave it to me before she moved. I tried to give it back to her, saying that I would need it when I slept over at her house in Montana, but she said if I came to visit her, I would bring a lot of toys and clothes because I would be staying for a long time.

She was right. Stacey and I were sent up to her house in Billings for the entire summer every summer until we were old enough to get jobs. Grandma kept us busy with swimming, tennis, dance, tumbling and baton classes. One year, we took piano lessons too. Summer was filled with activity. I don’t know any other person who was allowed to go swimming almost every day. We were very lucky.

It was scary to leave my parents all summer. I used to be homesick. There would always be a period of adjustment when I accidentally would call for my grandma by saying, “Mom.” There was always a period of adjustment when I came home to Salt Lake, too. I wonder if it ever hurt my mom’s feelings when I would accidentally call her grandma.

When I was trapped in Montana on those long summers, the one pervasive thought in my mind was, “I want to go home.” It was worst during the teen years when I wanted to be out with my friends or meeting boys. Instead, I was still taking baton and tennis lessons just like I had done my whole childhood. Didn’t they know that I was a teenager? I needed something different.

Lately, I find my inner voice saying the phrase, “I want to go home.” I can track the feelings. I’m not happy here. If I just went somewhere else, I would be happy. I know the logic is flawed, but that doesn’t stop the voice inside me from saying that phrase when I’m feeling particularly down. If only I knew where home was, I could run away to it.



  1. I googled “I want to go home” and “inner voice,” because I hear that voice all the time. I think it is my inner child and I hear the voice also when I am going through something hard. I just don’t know what to do for it though. I have tried to make my home as comfortable as I can, but the voice still is loud in my mind. I get frusterated because I am not sure what else I can do for the need inside me.

    Anyway, I just feel better that i am not the only one who hears the voice. Thanks, Lisa

    Comment by lisa — 2/11/2006 @ 7:37 am

  2. I Have Heard That Voice Too. I Still Here That Voice From Time To Time, But I Thank God I Have The Answer To It. “Home Is Where Jesus Is”

    Comment by Joseph — 2/3/2007 @ 8:19 am

  3. I’m from Canada, and just moved to Japan 2 months ago for a working holiday. It’s something I wanted so so badly, but now that I’m here, all I can think about it wanting to go back. I know I’m homesick, but I feel that I’m truly not as happy here as I thought I would be. I’ve been searching the internet to try to find something or someone to make me feel better, but alas, the feelings are still here. I’m working fulltime, and it’s just not glamerous. It’s like I could be in any city doing this, and I question myself as to why I wanted to come here so badly. I’ve always loved the culture, the food, everything about it. But now that I’m here living it, it just doesn’t satisfy me. I’m young still, only 22, so I have a bit of an issue when it comes to finishing things when they get difficult. I don’t want to hop on a plane because I’m sad and missing home, I want to do it for the right reasons. But what are the right reasons? I don’t want to dissapoint my family and friends, everyone who encouraged me ‘to follow my dream’… I’m so confused, and finding it so tiring constantly feeling sad and lonely. I’m alone here, in my own place, cooking my own food. Some of it has been good, it’s not all bad. But I just can’t escape the feeling that I need to go back soon. I’m not going to last a year, I feel that for certain.

    Comment by Michael — 4/22/2007 @ 11:48 pm

  4. I thought I was the only one. The voice always seems to go away once I feel comfortable.

    Comment by Danielle — 4/10/2010 @ 8:24 pm

  5. I often cry and tell myself “I just want to go home” I get very sad and feel very lonely. I have come to the conclusion it means I want to go back to heaven or “the other side”.

    Comment by Claire — 11/26/2011 @ 8:49 pm

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