Transcribed from my Moleskine notebook dated 06-06-04 11:35 am:

I’m nearly an hour early for our monthly lunch. Our monthly lunch hasn’t been so monthly lately and it has been almost a year since I’ve seen my two perfect girlfriends. I’ve known Penny and Dawni since my school years and they were fellow victims in Gifted and Talented.

Dawni is now a gifted photographer and mother of three amazing children. Penny is a supervisor at Intel and a mother of two beautiful daughters. Me? I’m a secretary and a faithful blogger. I feel like the guy in the J song on Sesame Street, “And me? I just stay out of their way. Letter J.”

We used to meet every month, but then Penny had a baby last year and it has taken us awhile to find out what normal feels like again. I suspect we’ll go back to monthly or bi-monthly meetings (that DOES mean every other month, doesn’t it?). In some respects, I’ve missed our lunches, but in others, I was glad for a reprieve.

It’s so hard to be a friend sometimes. I remember what it was like to know them when we were teens. We had dreams and hopes for our futures. All of our lives have traveled different pathways than those teen selves expected. At times, I grieve for those old dreams and at others, I rejoice that we aren’t trapped in the fantasies that our adolescent pasts chose for us. It’s such a strange feeling of ambiguity that just meeting with them can be uncomfortable.

Then again, it’s so easy to be a friend sometimes. Old friends can be just as comfortable as an old pair of Calvin Klein jeans. No matter how frayed or faded they are, they fit so well that they are always the first choice and no matter where I go, they are classy enough to get me past the maitre d’. There have been times when our lunches were the one thing during the month that I had to enjoy.

I think it can be hard because they are the select few that can see right through my bullshit. There’s no way to lie to them, so I have to be my most honest self. There’s no hiding behind small talk. There’s no skirting the issues or avoiding topics with mindless chatter about current events. They have x-ray vision. Even not talking about something says volumes.

Then again, it is so comfortable because they are the select few that can see right through my bullshit. There is no way to lie to them and there is no need to because they know it all. There’s no hiding and no need to explain my past. They were there, living through it with me. They have x-ray vision. Even not talking about something says volumes, which means silence is enough. That’s what can make these lunches so restful and enjoyable.

I’ve been sitting in the waiting area at Mimi’s Cafe. Frank and Dean are singing happily to me while I write my thoughts about the uncertainty of friendship. Penny just called to tell me that she’s going to be ten minutes late. Just like clockwork, Dawni will arrive fifteen minutes early. One is chronically late while the other is chronically early. And me, I just try to stay out of their way.