Pick Me!

A weblog by Laura Moncur


Sleep Paralysis and Dead Fathers

Filed under: Personal History — Laura Moncur @ 2:21 am

It’s two in the morning and I can’t sleep. I tried warm milk and it’s just not working. I woke up at midnight with that horrible sleep paralysis. Mike was snoring next to me and I couldn’t move. The adrenaline kicked in and I was wide awake by the time that I could move. I thought that I might be able to go back to sleep, but by one am, I realized I had a problem, so I let Sid outside to pee and sat down at the computer with a mug of warm milk. I still haven’t felt drowsy. I have to work today. I need to get some sleep. I must be stressed or something.

I dreamt about Sceverenia’s house in West Valley again. It was still for sale and vacant. All of us were there reminiscing about old times. The house was in a state of disrepair. My mom showed up at the end and wanted me to come home. My cat, Maggie, was there and I was having trouble scooping her up to bring her home with me. I was stealing whatever I could out of the house (even though those strange appliances weren’t ever in her house). I was just packing that stuff into my car. In the dream, Scev’s dad, Dick, was dead, but I kept saying that he was there. I think this all has to do with him somehow. I guess I never got to say goodbye to her dad. I didn’t think that the last time I saw him would be the last time ever. I can’t even remember the last time I saw him.

I used to wish he was my dad. He never went insane. He was quiet. He would pretend that he couldn’t hear us because he was “deaf.” Really, I think he cultivated that idea because then he could listen to our conversations. I always thought it was hilariously funny when he could hear some things we said just fine, but others, he would pretend he couldn’t hear. I think I heard him say the word, “What?” more than any other word.

One time, I watched him eat. He left a bite of each kind of food on his plate: one bite of meat, one bite of potatoes, one bite of vegetable. I asked him why and he said, “That’s for the gods.” He went to his room and left the plate on the table. A few minutes later, I caught the cat eating the food that he had left on the plate. I had this shining moment when I realized that the cat was one of the gods. Suddenly everything around me felt holy and god-like. I could be a god. Spanky the dog could be a god. This time, the god was the cat. It was as if the spiritual world commingled with the terrestrial world in a strange mix of color and beauty.

I guess I keep dreaming about her house because I needed to claim all those memories as mine. I feel really bad that I never got to tell Dick how much I loved him. He was a great dad to Scev and me. I feel like the world is less because he’s gone and he never even knew that I thought that way about him. He was always patient and willing to lend a deaf ear.


1 Comment »

  1. Laura, that was a moving tribute. Isn’t amazing how much a kind adult can mean to a kid.

    Comment by Braidwood — 3/23/2005 @ 11:53 am

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