The Girl With The Most Cake
I have been struggling with bingeing since I came back from SXSW in March. It’s just a symptom of a bigger issue.
“I want to be the girl with the most cake.”
– Courtney Love
I’m dealing with the green-eyed monster.
SXSW and Vloggercon were incredibly accepting and loving communities. I felt like I was welcomed when I was there. It was a feeling of belonging and community that I haven’t felt since high school. Of course, along came other feelings that used to lurk around during high school.
I’m not the most popular girl.
It’s true. Every community has their celebrities. At SXSW the biggest celebrities were Maggie Mason and Heather Armstrong. I felt like a fan girl actually meeting them and all those feelings of inadequacy of not being the most popular girl came up also.
After SXSW, I remember reading this entry from Maggie and feeling like I was totally out of it again…
We’re at a panel where Jason Fried is talking about “building small.” Nothing too complex. Reduce the feature set as much as possible. Build as little as you can.
I turn around in my seat, and whisper to Amy:
-Behold! I have built nothing.
-Ha! Someone just sent me that exact message over IM.
-Hive mind. (Adopting robot voice.) I-like-your-glass-es.
-I-en-joy-your-graph-ic-tee.
-Where-did-you-find-those-awe-some-Cam-pers?
Suddenly, I felt totally UNcool. I didn’t have any “graphic tees.” My funny little green glasses are rarely worn because contacts work so much better for me and, worst of all, I had NO IDEA what Campers were. I immediately followed the link she provided and found out they were shoes.
It all boils down to shoes with girls…
I didn’t even know what the cool shoes were. That’s how UNcool I was.
(Enter eating disorder, stage left)
Don’t get me wrong. Maggie was so nice when I talked to her at SXSW. She was very friendly and kindly pretended to have read one of my weblogs. She’s not the kind of mega-bitch all of us had to deal with in high school. It really has nothing to do with her, or Heather or even Amanda Congdon. It all has to do with my messed up head. I have some really screwy competition things going on in my head.
The irony is: IT DOESN’T MATTER!!!
Take high school, for example. I was NEVER the girl with the most cake in high school. Every year I ran for office. Every year, I lost. I never once got elected to office. Losing never stopped me, either. I ran for office every time I had a chance. I gave it my all every time and in the end, I never won. That’s my perception of my high school years.
Then I went to my 15 year class reunion and got a different perspective.
I was talking with a table of people that I barely knew, “I ran for office every year and never won.”
The brunette crinkled her brow, “You didn’t? Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure. Failure tends to do that to you.”
“No. You were Treasurer one year, weren’t you?”
“Nope, that year I lost to Araceli Rojas.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’m sure.”
Another person chimed in mentioning class offices that she thought I won. The whole table was convinced that I was among the elite of the school. I was one of the girls who got to wear the special white sweaters with the kelly green highlights. I got to have a “K” on my back and my name embroidered on the pocket. I couldn’t convince them that my experience of high school was anything but privileged.
Who was right? I never won an office, but in the minds of people that I barely knew in high school I was one of the envied ones.
Does it matter that I’m not the girl with the MOST cake? Nope. All that matters is that I bring it, every day.
Time to put down the cake now.
Ai! Aren’t those the worst feelings! I like being the girl with the most cake. If you add up the amount of time I’ve had those feelings it has amounted to about… maybe 30 minutes altogether. I just had lunch with some of those girls today. They were all younger than me, but still I started worrying about being cool. That is what I like about church- (I know, I’m a nerd.) the people with the equivelant amount of social skills use them for good… often.
Boy, humans and their weird social orders. :)
Comment by Braidwood — 6/22/2006 @ 8:09 pm
Laura, I totally know what you mean. With the exception of one blissful year of being a cheerleader, I always felt like the biggest dork in highschool. I guess it didn’t help that for the first two years I had “friends” who perpetually enforced that belief.
For a while becoming a mom freed me from feelings of social inadequacy. But then that brought up feelings of inadequacy of a completely different sort. :)
And then I came out of mommy hibernation and entered the web world again and realized I had a lot of catching up to do. That was scary. Part of me felt like crawling right back into the cave. But I took the plunge.
And even now — business owner, frequenter of geek parties and events, friends with Maggie (I’m the “Amy” in the quoted conversation above) — I still sometimes feel like that dorky 15 year old. Who, by the way, never dreamed of running for school office. So kudos to you, Laura — you’ve got some cajones!
Comment by Amylola — 6/23/2006 @ 4:19 pm
Amy,
I’ve been thinking about your comment since I read it yesterday. It just kills me to think that you’re in the “in” crowd and still have those same feelings as I do. I guess maybe it’s insatiable. No matter how “popular” I get, I’ll still feel like I’m out of it.
I keep telling myself that if only I had known what Campers are, then I would have been cool. I had the little green glasses. I could order some graphic tees from Threadless. But the shoes, the shoes!
How am I supposed to know which shoes are cool all the way from SLC? We’re not going to hear about Campers for two more years yet. :)
Thanks for commenting, Laura Moncur
Comment by Laura Moncur — 6/24/2006 @ 8:12 am
If it makes you feel any better, I don’t own a pair of Campers. :)
Comment by Amylola — 6/24/2006 @ 10:20 am
I’m a teenager who’s not really cool either, just an average girl. I understand how you feel when everyone knows about something but you didn’t. I actually have an insensitive friend who acts as if I had a deprived childhood if I haven’t tasted a food she’s had like once in her life. When things like this happen, I just sit there like “Ok. Thank you for your input, nobody really cared.” I think you would have been happier at a school like mine. We’re a small school without many cliques. Its basically racial and gender segregation. The fob girls, the korean guys, etc. Luckily, there’s not much of a hierarchy, if you know what I mean. By the way, I love your writing. I don’t think you’ll ever see this since it seems as if it’s been a long time since you’ve posted, but I’m still reading your posts.
Comment by Christine Kim — 5/23/2011 @ 2:03 am