What I Would Say If I Were Anonymous
I haven’t been writing for fun lately: not here, not on my other blogs, not even in my journal. I’ve been writing because I’m a writer and there is writing to do, but I haven’t been doing it just for fun for awhile. Twitter is the closest thing to writing for fun that I’ve done for a long time.
Sometimes, I feel like forcing it makes it worse. Sometimes, I feel like just getting my fingers on the keyboard and forcing it is the answer. Sometimes, I feel ashamed that I have been such a “slacker.” Sometimes I feel like it doesn’t matter because no one reads my sites anyway (which I know is a lie, but I tell myself that anyway).
Sometimes I wish it was like before. You know, before I realized that the whole world could read my weblog. I felt like I could say almost anything. Back in my mind, I knew that everyone could read my words, but I felt anonymous. Even though my full real name was plastered on it, I felt anonymous. There was really no excuse for that feeling, but I liked it when I had it.
What would I say right now if no one was reading?
I’m sick of traveling, even though we are traveling for “pleasure.” I want to live somewhere I don’t have to escape from.
I wish we could move to San Diego and every month that we stay here, I feel like I’m not living my most full life.
I want the Geek community to grow in Salt Lake City, but KNOW that we will never be as interesting or as invigorating as the Geek community in San Francisco. I also know that the Geek community in San Diego could also never compete with San Francisco, but I don’t care.
I HATE Utah because of the strong religious influence. It feels like a brick pressing on my chest all the time. It feels like a sword dangling from a thread over my head.
Logically, none of this makes sense. It doesn’t matter where I live, all that matters is what I do. I could live in a shack in the middle of nowhere and as long as I had Internet connectivity, I could work. I don’t need to live in California to work. I don’t need to live in California to thrive. All of this has nothing to do with Utah and EVERYTHING to do with my state of mind.
I just need to fix my head, but I don’t know how…
Laura,
Great post! Sorry to hear of your CA geekdom versus Utah battles, but you’ll figure it out. ;)
If it makes you feel any better, I hear ya on the lack of Geek– it’s definitely a famine up here in Eastern Idaho!
Comment by Carolynn Duncan — 4/26/2007 @ 9:35 am
I grew up here and most days I can’t imagine living anywhere else. I know what it’s like to feel trapped and frustrated, though, and I’m sorry that’s what you’re experiencing.
Comment by Adria — 4/26/2007 @ 10:02 am
Adria,
It’s nice people like you that keep me here. I just need to concentrate on the positive things that keep me here:
The mountains
Stacey and Dan
Kristen
CodeAway and the Geek Dinners
Never seeing mannequins in compromising positions in store windows.
There’s more, but I’ll save it for another blog entry.
Laura
Comment by Laura Moncur — 4/26/2007 @ 11:00 am
Isn’t this why you blog in the first place? Therapy. We’re here for you even if we’re not as cool as those in SF and the weather sucks (sometimes) compared to SD. Truth is, we just need to keep pushing because SLC has great potential if we can get passed the whole “what’s a blog” thing?
If we didn’t have children (and maybe once they’re grown and gone) we’d like to move to Hawaii and live in a shack. I was born there and anywhere else makes me feel out of place. I wear shorts and sandals everywhere and would rather be barefoot under a coconut tree while the breeze carries the sweet fragrance of tropical flowers and sea salt through the air. However, raising children in Hawaii is just ridiculous. Their schools are worse than ours and their private schools are more expensive than my house payment.
Needless to say it would be difficult to raise three children in a shack. ;-)
Your final point is correct, it has less to do with where you are and more to do with how you live, think, and act.
Comment by Ash — 4/26/2007 @ 11:55 am
Laura, How long have you been in Utah? it’s a different place. I’m used to it and see the good things. When things get on my nerves (like people being cheap and the popularity of mediocrity, esp. in food) I don’t think about it too long. Everywhere I live I could complain. There is a strong culture here, more than anywhere I’ve lived….however… It’s a free country. No one forces you to stay. Just realizing that you choose what you choose, it’s good and it’s bad points, is sometimes freeing. I chose my sister. I choose my boss. I could leave but then I’d be away from family and my son would be far from his dad. I’m not a victim of choice. Either way there is an impact. So I live in Utah, and probably will for a long time. I’m glad you’re here.I appreciate your perspective and realness. Janet
Comment by Janet — 4/29/2007 @ 2:36 pm