When I was in fifth and sixth grade, this is the menstruation video they showed us. I had no idea it was a Disney film and I’m shocked to find it here. I distinctly remember the girl riding the bicycle and telling me that it’s okay to exercise while I’m on my period. I had no idea that it was ever considered NOT okay to exercise while I was on my period, much less shower.

There is nothing inaccurate about this video. It explains things well. The only thing is it isn’t PRACTICAL. I didn’t need to know why I was menstruating, although that information is nice to know. I needed to know how to use those sticky pads. My mom had long ago moved on to tampons. The last time she used feminine napkins they were kept in place with a belt. A BELT!

My mom actually gave me a feminine napkin belt when I started menstruating because she hadn’t even heard of those new fangled pads that just stick to your underwear.

And all of this was before the invention of WINGS.

My biggest question was how do I attach this pad so that it doesn’t move around? How do I prevent stains on my undies? What does menstrum look like? How do I get the thing off without grossing myself out? How do I dispose of it?

NOTHING on the Internet tells me how to do this. Seriously! How can it be that I can search for this and get a ton of video responses on YouTube of girls giggling, but no helpful information? Sure you can watch a maturation video from 1954 showing you ovaries, fallopian tubes and uterii, but if you want to know how to use a pad when you’re on your period, I’m your only hope. Click on read more for all the gory details without giggling or diagrams of organs.

How do I attach a pad so that it doesn’t move around?

They still sell feminine napkins that don’t have wings, but don’t buy them. Seriously. They just end up not covering enough of your undies to prevent stains. Worse still, they move around when you wear them and end up making you uncomfortable.

I swear by pads with wings. It doesn’t matter which brand. The one I have shown here is Always brand, but ANY brand with wings works.

How do I prevent stains on my undies?

After years of experimenting, it’s easiest to change your pad when you’re sitting on the toilet.

If you position a napkin that has wings on it properly, you will never again stain your underwear. The key is WHERE you put the pad. The first step is to remove the pad from the wrapper. DO NOT remove the paper from the wings yet. Just remove the pad from the wrapper.

Most pads are folded into three (see photo on the right). Position the fold of the pad on the horizontal seam of the underwear.

Once you pat it all down , it should look like this. Now, you can remove that paper on the wings and wrap the wings around the sides of your underwear. With the wings in place, your pad should be stable AND your underwear safe from stains.

What does menstrum look like?

Okay, honestly, I never thought the phrase, “What does menstrum look like?” I wanted to know what it would look like, but I never knew that the bloody stuff that comes out is called menstrum. In fact, it’s such a rare word that it is showing up as a misspelling on my computer right now. I had to add it to my computer’s dictionary because we NEVER talk about that gross bloody stuff that comes out.

Even that Disney maturation movie just says that it’s a watery, velvety discharge. WTF?! Man, that makes it sound like a chocolate dish! I would NEVER describe menstrum as velvety. In fact, on my heaviest days, it’s like grape jelly.

Grape jelly is exactly what I used to simulate menstrum in these photos because even I can’t bear to show my REAL menstrum to the entire Internet. This is what it looks like on my heaviest days:

Part of it is runny and part of it is a thick, sticky gel. On heavy days it’s about the color of grape jelly as well. On light days, it merely looks like a brown stain.

How do I get the thing off without grossing myself out?

I know I shouldn’t be grossed out, but even after years of menstruating every month, I still get grossed out when I have to remove a pad. It’s especially hard on heavy days.

The first step is to loosen the wings on the sides. After wearing it a few hours, they’ve probably loosened themselves quite a bit already. Carefully grab the top of the pad and gently pull it off your underwear. If you are having an especially heavy day, you might want to simultaneously pull from the bottom and the top at the same time to keep the pad horizontal.

Once you’ve removed the pad, pull the wings to the sides and fold the pad onto itself in threes. There might be some sticky left on the pad to hold it together, but it will stay better if you wrap the wings around it.

How do I dispose of it?

Since you probably have to apply another pad, you should have the wrapper right there to wrap up the used pad. Some brands, like Always, have a reusable seal so you can just wrap up the pad and have it stay together in the garbage can. The ones that don’t are still okay to wrap up your pad, but they don’t stay closed all that well.

NEVER flush your pad. ALWAYS put it in the little garbage can in the bathroom. If your family doesn’t have a garbage bin in your bathroom, spend the five bucks to get one and keep it emptied yourself. It’s so much easier to just dispose of it in the bathroom than have to walk it out to the garbage can in the kitchen (plus it’s more sanitary).

You can see more pictures of the process of positioning and removing a pad here:

• How to use a feminine napkin - a photoset on Flickr

I originally wanted to film a video showing how to do this, but I could never figure out how to do that on my own. I was completely unable to find a good place to put the tripod and I have no one to do the filming for me. So, it has to be pictures instead of a film.

By the way, you’re completely on your own if you want to learn how to insert a tampon.

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If you want more discussion about menstruation, this blog had some interesting information:

• Empowering Girls and Women