When Your Best Friend Ditches You For Her Boyfriend
Everyone on the planet has had this happen. You’ve got a best buddy who suddenly goes MIA because there is a significant other that didn’t used to be there before. Guys do it to their friends. Girls do it to their friends. Everybody has had it done to them. It’s a universal incident, but when it happens, it’s hard to deal with.
It’s not just an age thing either. I remember it happening to me in junior high, high school, college and even now, in my adult life. I have one girlfriend who has been MIA for months because of a flooring expert. I must say that I’ve been able to deal with this smashingly this time because I finally understand it now.
Firstly, you have to realize it for what it is. You’re still her best friend. She still loves you just as much as she did before. Just because she doesn’t call you, doesn’t mean that she doesn’t like you. Just because she doesn’t instant message you every five minutes doesn’t mean that she has replaced you. I know it feels like you’ve been replaced, but there is no replacing a best friend, not even with a boyfriend.
Secondly, be patient. I can tell you right now that she’s going to flake on you. You’re going to set up something that you are really excited about and she’s going to blow you off to be with her new boyfriend. It’s going to happen and you are going to get hurt. The best way to handle it is tell her the truth. The truth is: your feelings are hurt, but you feel like you can’t say anything because you want her to be happy with this guy. She needs to know that your feelings are hurt, but don’t call her a flake. She’s not a flake, she’s in love. Being in love blinds your vision for a short amount of time.
Thirdly, watch your mouth. Understand that you are feeling jealous and watch your words when you talk about him. Jealousy can make you say things that you don’t really mean and maybe aren’t even true. Did she meet him after a drunken night in a seedy bar? That’s not your concern. Does he dress like a homeless guy? That’s not your concern. Does he talk about his mother so much that it seems like there is an unhealthy attachment? It’s still not your concern. It only becomes your concern if he is hitting or verbally abusing her. Then it’s your time to step in. If that hasn’t happened, be careful what you say about him. This guy could be “The One” and you might end up double dating with him for the rest of your adult life. Don’t let a jealous remark carelessly flung from your lips come between you and your friend.
Lastly, remember that she will return to you. If he is “The One” she will still need you to be her best friend. Things will be different for her, but these are the kinds of things that keep friendships interesting and flourishing. Instead of complaining to you about not having a date for Saturday night, she’ll be complaining about him not picking up his socks. That’s not so very different, is it? Don’t worry. You will have your friend back, even if he is “The One.”
If he’s not as wonderful as all that, she will run back to you with red eyes and angry words. This is not the time to be bitter. This is not the time to remind her of all the times she flaked on you when you needed her. This is also not the time to say that you saw it coming, even if you did. This is the time to be understanding and caring. No matter how hard it is to say that the minute you saw his beat up and rusted pickup, you knew that he would be nothing more than an out-of-work bum, you need to keep your mouth shut and be the good friend that she remembers. That’s what you are, after all. You’re her best friend.
In short, life changes. If something is bad, don’t worry, it will pass. If something is good, don’t worry, it will pass. No matter how much we would like it, nothing in this life stays the same. There is no escaping it.
Thank you! This has helped me very much! My friend has just recently done this, and I have felt like saying completely awful things while having to listen through excrciating torture of having to listen to her talk about him! lol, well thank you, I think this has helped me undersatnd. -kat
Comment by kat — 4/21/2004 @ 4:33 pm
yeah my best friend didnt totally ditch me, but she did a little bit for her new boyfriend and we’re only 13 so i dont think she shuld be doing this, i meant theyre not gonna get married so why does she care? and her boyfriend is mean and makes fun of me and she doesnt really care,, and he doesnt want me around so she tells me in a joking way not to come whenever hes around but i feel like she really likes him more than me and i dont have anyone else to hang out with
Comment by Ally — 2/13/2005 @ 3:14 pm
thanks for that it really helped me…i dont like my friends boyfriend 2 much but she is very important 2 me so i kno ive gotta stay by her even if it sux 4 me right now
Comment by mabel — 4/7/2005 @ 8:29 pm
I’m 25 and this just happened to me. But it’s good to know that it’s normal and how to deal. Thank you.
Comment by Lydia — 5/4/2005 @ 2:26 pm
thats really helpful, but i find that he verbally abuses her but no matter wat i say she wont listen…shes 16 and thinks hes the one… but wat can i say. thank you anyways, ill try not to throw it in her face that hes a jerk when they fight.
Comment by christina — 5/26/2005 @ 2:35 pm
thanks so much, this has really helped me understand my best friend better. Her and her boyfriend are the perfect couple, I don’t think they ever fight and they have been going out for nearly a year. I am becoming 2nd best and it’s really hard to deal with as I am single and feel lonely sometimes and it’s so hard when even my best friend isn’t there for me when I need her. She will always call him before me and if we are all at a party together she stays with him the whole night and it seems like she doesn’t care but I know she does. Why does this have to be so hard :(
Comment by sad — 10/15/2005 @ 12:15 am
i’ve had this happen to me many times. My best friend is pretty much…boy crazy, and she is always doing this, but in the end, the guy usually isnt right for her, even if she does think hes “the one”. ive sort of learned to deal with it. and she knows that even if she doesnt talk to me for awhile, and she does ditch me occasionally, that i will ALWAYS be there for her…
Comment by Jessie — 10/23/2005 @ 12:23 pm
yeah i know its hard, im going through it now, but its different, she now has a baby and her b/f is 2 yrs younger than her. i dont know if they will last but im not to judge that, i definately want her to be happy with this guy but i also dont want her to forget about me since she has more important things to worry about. but i havent had any friend closer to me than her and it does hurt, believe me, i know i probably sound selfish but its hard to give up a friendship of almost 4 years. but through it all i am jealous, and thats my problem but in my heart i know we will still hang out in the future, and no matter what i will be there for her always…even though i get mad at her sometimes lol.
Comment by Sara — 11/5/2005 @ 5:25 pm
oh yeah, and to everyone elce out there going through this…if your friendship is meant to be then it will, just be patient, if not then you will probably find a new friend and end up being closer than the one that “ditched” you…just remember that and like i said…BE PATIENT!! :)
Comment by Sara — 11/5/2005 @ 5:30 pm
Ally i’m 13 too and mi best friends boyfriend is a total jerk to mke and makes fun of me because i’m a lil short but he doesnt do it wen anyoneelse is around and i kno if i told one of mi frineds on the football team they would hurt him so bad which i will do if he does anything else
Comment by Kaila — 11/6/2005 @ 12:45 pm
Kaila,
Just be patient with your friend and her boyfriend. Sadly, he’s probably trying to be nice to you by referring to you as Shorty. In his pathetic way, I’m sure he’s just trying to include you and realizes that you are feeling left out. It still stings, I’m sure, but teenage boys aren’t smooth enough to be cool all the time. They say stupid things because they are nervous.
Just give it time and give him the benefit of the doubt.
Good Luck, Laura Moncur
Comment by Laura Moncur — 11/7/2005 @ 9:24 am
I am on the other side of this fence. I am the best friend that has a boyfriend and my girlfriend has a couple of suitors. My boyfriend is completely understanding. He wants me to have her in my life. He encourages me to hang out with her, in essence, give “equal time”. However, there was one night with a misunderstanding and while I had plans with my girlfriend, my boyfriend shows up at my door. I assumed he was not coming over and he assumed he was. I let my girlfriend know that he was at the house, but now she wants to end the friendship over it. I understand she was hurt. I would be too and I have been. She has cancelled plans with me for one of her suitors. I really care about them both, but I don’t like being put in a position where she is expecting me to choose. I refuse to do it.
Comment by Steph — 11/22/2005 @ 12:31 pm
As I am reading this article, my best friend has just left for the night with her boyfriend. And here I am sitting alone in my room, typing a reply to this article. Perhaps, we were never best friend in the first place, perhaps I was taking her more seriously than she ever does and would…perhaps I am wrong to doubt our friendship. Perhaps I should grow up and just accept it. Whatever it is, it has been many months now and I am slowly adapting to the changes. I saw it coming but I had wished it would be delayed. We used to spend alot of time together. Sharing our ups and downs. But ever since this guy appeared, all has changed. Everything. He is a wonderful man and I know I should be happy for her. I am…but I am hurt too. I feel like I have been replaced. Now I hardly see her…she doesn’t need me anymore. I feel like there are thousands of arrows shooting into my heart now. Patience….stay faithful…what else can I do…honestly, I begin to doubt if its all worth it. Is there ever a true friendship? I couldn’t bring myself to tell her how it hurts me. I feel guilty and silly for not understanding that this is love. Perhaps its time for me to move on but still leaving her the strings to connect to me when she wants to. Perhaps I am just stupid to feel this way…perhaps…
Comment by Sue — 11/25/2005 @ 8:25 am
Thanks so much for this. My best friend ditched me for not one, but two U2 concerts, for this boyfriend she’s had only a month. She hasn’t called me in months and I haven’t seen her since August…It’s now almost december. I get that the boyfriend is important and all, but I don’t know how I’m going to feel when it all goes to pieces and she comes looking for a friend who’s been left out in the rain for 4 months…Maybe I’m just not that great a friend to hang around and wait…
Comment by Debbie — 11/27/2005 @ 4:19 pm
me nd my best friend wer inseperable in highskool .. we had every lesson together .. i knew that wen i went 2 college we would see less of each other .. i was sooo right … she never calls me i always call her …it makes me feel like she forgets about me and i am just this annoying thing that keeps nagging her 2 do sumthin with…she is constantly with her bf .. at sixth form and outside of sixthform .. so wen i do ring her i can never get thru 2 her coz she is out… now its even worse she has a job every night and so she spends weekends at his… he’s a gr8 guy and they loveeach other so much.. the truth is that i cant see her coming back to me … ive been kidding myself ,, i should just let go… but i am single and i get lonely alot i thought i was important ….shows how wrong i was
Comment by bex — 11/29/2005 @ 10:51 am
Bex….I know exactly how you feel. I am going through the same thing with my friend. Feeling pushed away, etc. It is rough feeling like you put so much into a friendship and then get tosed aside.
Comment by Jade — 12/2/2005 @ 9:05 am
I have searched for days for an article like this. Thanks so much for writing it. I too am going thru the same exact thing. Here I thought I was crazy for feeling this way, for feeling jealous, for feeling used, for feeling thrown away. Its good to know that I’m not the only one that is experiencing this type of pain this type of hurt. My best friend and I have been together for over 5years, we were inseperable for many of those years…when we weren’t together we were talking, IMing each other. All of a sudden things became strained between us, the calls stopped, the IM’s stopped (she lives out of town). And then all of a sudden I get an email telling me of her new situation. I can not tell you how hurt, how broken I am over this (she kept the situation from me because its not ideal…if you get my meaning). I’ve been trying to deal with this for the past week and my emotions are a total wreck. Reading this article has helped me to put some perspective on things…to better understand what is really going on. But I have to admit this is extremely difficult. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is very very hard right now. But I love her to death and I don’t want to lose her, so I will do my very best to handle my emotions and be there if and when she needs me.
Comment by Calj — 12/4/2005 @ 11:07 am
Yep, Calj. That is just how I feel jealous, used and thrown away. It is also good to know I am not the only one feeling this way. My friend 2 lives away. and we we always together 2 until she moves several months ago. now I dont feel replaced by a new boyfreind., I just feel replaced by other people or other friends. She is a people person, and htes to be alone, and yes, we used to talk all the time and yes, things are now becoming less and less. I dont know for a fact but do feel like she has found other people or friends to talk to now that she is not her. That is whats hard, feeling like your not wanted anymore or like you have done something when I did everything I could to help her. I dont know when it gets easy. I have good days and bad days with this. and have been dealing with this for months now.
Comment by Jade — 12/5/2005 @ 9:06 am
I am on the opposite side of this situation. My friend is married and I was always the third wheel. I met someone that lives 40 miles away. He makes me very happy and is very good to me but I feel like my best friend is always trying to find something wrong with him. I know I don’t spend as much time with my b/f as I used to but I am in a new relationship that makes me happy and I want to be with him as much as I can. I am trying to find a way to confront her about this and tell her that she is and always will be my best friend but I have finally found someone who is great and I just want her to be happy for me. I am building a new relationship here and cannot spend all of my time with her and her family. How do I explain that to her?
Comment by Melanie — 12/9/2005 @ 3:51 pm
This is exactly like my situation, though I chose not to continue the friendship, because she ditched me on new years, when I was suppose to meet her downtown by myself. I was hurt, because I sat there waiting for her, but she chose to ditch me. She did this also on my birthday, she wanted to leave my birthday after just getting there, because her boyfriend was complaining that he didn’t want to wait in line. I know that it must be hard, but I still think it was best to go our separate ways, if she was going to stand me up downtown, on new years by myself.
Comment by Ashley — 12/9/2005 @ 8:37 pm
At first i thought i was being a little weird too, i kept thinking y am i jealous, r friends supposed to be jealous of one another, then i realised i wasnt obsessed or anything, i was just deeply hurt, when they first met i never thought anything of it, i was happy for her, then slowly as the months went by she ditched me for him on more then several occasions, she’s lied to me, she’s even admitted to lying, she would tell me she was busy doing something, so she could spend time with him instead of me, she’s stood me up on so many occasions ive lost count, she has a temper so sometimes i feel like i cant tell her how im feeling, ive tried to talk about it so many times, but she thinks i go on about it all the time and that i need to get over it. As much as i feel like giving up, after hours of waiting and being hurt and pushed aside like our years of friendship have added up to nothing, i still cant do it, i love her to bits, and i know she loves and cares about me, when he isnt around we’re like sisters, but he’s all she ever talks about and its so annoying even when he isnt there, it’s like he is “omg john blinked today”. i feel like a waste of time, im so hurt its gotten to a point where i cry myself to sleep almost every nite, i hardly see her, speak to her, i cant tell her about it, im just afraid of loosing her, as time goes on we only get further and further apart. i just dont understand, she’s hurt me so many times in so many ways, yet still i cant let go, why??????? i cant carry on like this, i just need an answer or support or something
Comment by kate — 12/11/2005 @ 4:08 pm
hey well mah bestest friend has been wit her bf for 8months and i am still ditched and u r sooo right about the hole organise somethin wit ya friend and be really exicited bout it and then she blows u off lately i have had a new best friend and i do everythin wit her luckly she is fridget so she doesnt get wit many guys but when i here mah other frends voice i nearly have tears to mah eyes because i miss her so much and sometimes i talk to her bf on the internet and he is always like are u spending the weekend wit her and i would be like dunno and his like good cause i was ganna invite her ova i have herd heaps of rumours that he thinks i am ganna make her cheat on him :S which i nearly did twice he is an arshole and she can do way better than him she has done better than him she was forced into the relation becuase he begged and begged they have broken up like 10 times but get bak together the next day grrrrrrr it is so fustratin i am gettin liked depressed ova it oh bye the way i am 16 she is 16 and he is 15 mwa x0x0x0x thanx
Comment by kylie d — 12/12/2005 @ 5:41 am
hey its me again talkin about ” the one ” she has told me many times that she doesnt really like him she just finds it hard when she brakes up with him and that she sorta feels sorry for him the only reason he wanted to go out wit her was because he wanted a root i tryed tellin her that but she didnt believe me and i just got in the shit wit her so i dont tell her nothin no more and when she does brake up wit him she always askes me wether she should get back wit him and i say it is up to her and she should do wat she wants to do and when they do brake up he says his ganna comite sucide anyways it is totally confusing this is actully helpin me typing it out even no i am just blubbering on bout it
Comment by kylie d — 12/12/2005 @ 5:53 am
I know I’ve been guilty of ditching my girlfriends back when i was in high school. Now we’re 30 year old women and my best friend has ditched her friends to spend all her time w/ her boyfriend. The sad thing is, her boyfriend has no life, no other friends and has made my best friend his entire life! She can’t do anything without him because he wants to be in her life every moment of every day. At first she fought off his attempts to do everything with her, so it seemed, but now it seems she’s with him all the time by choice. She says its so she doesn’t have to hear him wimper and fight over not seeing her. She use to be a strong independent woman, and now this man is changing her. She doesn’t even love him! I think partially because she hasn’t had a boyfriend in years she’s enjoying the attention and the money he spends on her. I have a couple of guys I’ve been dating for a while, but I always make sure I have time to spend with my girlfriends. My other best friend is busy with her husband, family, school, and an extra-marrital affair. I haven’t seen her in weeks, but at least we talk weekly and have try to have lunch. I guess I’m just sad that I don’t get to spend as much girl time with my two best friends.
Comment by Stella — 12/12/2005 @ 11:34 am
this article helped me a little. Right now, my best friend is about to ditch me for her first boyfriend — we’re fifteen and he’s the first guy to ask her out and everything. It’s painful and, being single, I’m jealous that she has someone while I haven’t had anyone decent to be with in a long time, but at least now I understand how she must have felt when I was dating while she sat around, never been kissed, never been asked out, completely inexperienced. Now I’ll be able to be a little more honest when I’m playing super-friend while she talks my ear off about her new guy because I feel better knowing that eventually she’ll place more importance on “girl-time” again … We’ll still have our chick-flick-fests, our sleepovers, our tennis matches, and our staying up until all hours working on projects together. We’ll still be best friends. She might have a little less time for me, but the fact that she likes a new guy and he’s just as enamoured with her doesn’t mean that she loves me any less. Thanks for assuring me that my best friend with whom I’ve been through so much will remain my best friend — even if it means hearing about how he calls her Cuddly Bear.
Comment by Em — 12/14/2005 @ 11:07 pm
This article is awesome and I am so glad that I found it. My best friend and I met freshman year of college and we have spent almost every waking moment together since. She got her first serious boyfriend about a year ago, and it was REALLY hard for me to deal with him for about the first 6 months. We live togther (my BF and I) and we would fight all the time about him. I hated him for really no reason (except he was trying to steal my best friend away from me!), and I would get so mad at me BF for spending time with him and I hated that they were getting closer every day. The fights we would have about him were horrible and in a way they hurt our friendship a lot, but they also brought us a lot closer for some strange and odd reason. We are closer now then we were before he showed up. What made it better was that I finially realized that 1. If I didn’t give him a chance I would lose her for good. 2. It is okay to be an individual, before her boyfriend, she and I did almost everything together and it seemed like she was my other half, and although I loved that feeling, it wasn’t very healthy, and I realize that now.
It is still hard sometimes and I have my up and down days (like today is a down day) but when I get sad about her not always being around, (she has NEVER cancelled plans on me for him – by the way) I just tell myself that I am her best friend and I will always will be her best friend and that is a pretty special postion to have in someone’s life. I may not be the most important person anymore but I am still one of the most important people, and she cares about me just as much as I care about her.
I promise that things do get better, you just have to have patience and realize that you are best friends for a reason and you cannot lose faith in your friendship.
Comment by Steph — 12/17/2005 @ 10:40 pm
I keep coming back to this article and reading…trying to hold out hope that things will get better. But its so hard…When I talk to her…it seems forced and almost every sentence is about him. I force myself to sit there and smile…when the whole time my stomach is turning. Right now I have little hope that this relationship will last. All she sees, all she knows is him…there is no room for anyone else especially me. I love my friend to death, I really really do…I would do anything for her…and I thought she would do the same for me. But it seems since this man has come into her life, that I longer exists…I am no longer important in her life. I understand that she is in love…but I have feelings too and she does not seem to see that or care for that matter. And that hurts. Talking to her is almost painful. I leave the conversation feeling sad and depressed. She tells me that nothing has changed other than she has a boyfriend now…but to me…everything has changed. I feel so used…I feel like when there was no man around, she focused her attention upon me…She called me, she texted, she IM’d me. Now the calls are infrequent, and usually when he has stepped out…she barely texts me, unless she wants or needs something…or maybe feel some guilt for not being in touch…and as for IM…she definitely does not have time for that anymore…again unless he’s out of town or elsewhere. And even when I call her…i feel like I’m intruding, I’m bothering her…them. Maybe I should be more understanding, maybe I should just step back and hope things will get better, but right now… I feel like this is a hopeless situation. I feel like she has traded me in for a bigger and better model. I don’t know what to do anymore…I feel so lost to depressed… I feel like I’m losing my best friend and she doesn’t seem to care. Just the thought, knowing that…i think hurts the most, because she so easily gave me up.
I trying not to lose faith, I’m trying not to think so negatively. But how do I keep the faith when I have so little to hold on too???
Comment by Calj — 12/20/2005 @ 3:56 pm
Calj,
Just a quick note to tell you that you’re going to be just fine.
One thing that will probably make you feel much better until she gets over this whole boyfriend thing is to start spending time with other friends. Be the one to reach out to others and you will never be lonely.
Good Luck,
Laura Moncur
Comment by Laura Moncur — 12/20/2005 @ 4:11 pm
Thanks for you response, your advice…I really do appreciate you taking the time to do so. This has a extremely difficult time in my life, but reading this article has made it a little more bearable. I do have a couple of really good friends…two women that I work with have been great… And then there’s Khris…he is absolutely wonderful. I think without Khris in my life, I would have gone crazy by now. He has definitely been there for me to lean upon. The unfair part in all of this is…although I like these people…love them to pieces…there is still this huge void in my life…this hole in my heart that only my best friend can fill. I know that sounds terrible and I feel bad for feeling this way…but for some reason, I can not replace my best friend. I think Khris is hurt by that fact, he been nothing but supportive during all of this. So again…I just don’t know what to do. I am going to try to hold tight…keep the faith…because maybe deep down she does still have some feelings for me…at least I hope so.
Comment by Calj — 12/20/2005 @ 4:47 pm
I’m glad I came across this article. My bestfriend and I used to be so close but lately I feel she doesn’t care about our friendship anymore. We were like sisters. She is more of a sister to me than my own real sister. This past month she recently got a boyfriend. I’m really happy for her, though. The downside is she spends most of her time with him. When we have plans, she will cancel because she came home late from her night out with him. She doesn’t realize how much this bothers me. She barely calls me. If she is not out with him. She is on the phone with him for hours. Sometimes when I do call, she tells me she is on the other line with him. I don’t here from her for another day or so but she’d call. I’m trying to be understanding but it is difficult. I have dealt with so many changes this year that this is one I didn’t expect. I thought she would always be there. Lately, I don’t even care to talk to her. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but I do. Maybe it is jealously. Who knows. Of all people, I never thought she would be the one to do this. I know this is an obstacle that friends go through sometimes but it hurts. I want to be there to support her but I’m upset in the process. Right now, I feel very selfish feeling this way. Maybe I am.
Comment by Eastcoastgal — 12/28/2005 @ 1:58 pm
Why should I have to put up with this aparently common situation? Why should anyone? If a best friend continues to ditch you every time they go on more than 3 dates with the same guy that is wrong. Why should we put up with feelings of rejection and inadequacy from the one person not related to us that we love the most? It’s wrong. I’ve been there for my best friend for over a decade, but if some guy shows up and sticks around for more than 3 dates, I may as well be invisable. Futhermore, these feeling are not selfish if the same friend continues hurts me over and over again. While I appreciated the article, sometimes people have to protect themselves. After all, the only people who can truly hurt you are the ones that you care about.
Comment by Casey — 12/30/2005 @ 5:10 am
I am extremely independant and never had many best friends while growing up. I moved to a foreign country for college where I met my best friend. We had everything in common, our love of movies and our big dreams being the common theme. She was a virgin and religious (but rebellious) and had great, but naive plans for her first love. Needless to say, she nor me never had any loves during our year in college. Then the second year of uni rolled around I decided I should go back home, to my own country. She was lost, the fact that I had deserted her and her country and school but I felt, financially, it was the only thing to do. So we stayed in touch by email and then, months later, she quit school as I had and decided to visit me in my country. She got a work visa and moved out to be with me. Unfortunately, I was moving to be in a new college about 4 hours outside of my city. She stayed behind in the city and got a job as a manager. She made a bunch of great freinds, as did I at my new college, and we stayed in touch, visiting each other frequently and having a ball. We still aimed towards our dreams (me a writer, she an actress) and she even got her own first boyfriend. They only went out for three months, but I was excited for her. She never slept with him, whcih I thought was noble considering her belief of holding out for marriage. I got along well with him and her and never felt too left out. Then their relationship ended, and I went out to travel solo around Europe. When I returned she had started going out with her MALE best friend, a work mate who had always crushed on her. Suddenly she crushed on him too and that was it. Sadly, her work visa was up and had to move back to her home country. Well that didnt last long. Back at home she saved money just so she could come back. Only she didnt come back to me, but to where her boyfriend lived, a 6 hour plane ride away. Now she lives there and I live here. We email and talk. She has given up on her dreams of being an actress and has decided to try and work and go to school getting a stupid degree JUST so she can be with him? We used to be so alike, and now shes like a difefrent person. She I mention she lost her virginity to him? Now she acts like its sealed the deal that they are meant to be together forever (did I mention the guy is only 21)? Why does this bother me so much? I dont feel like Im losing her or anything, I dont feel TOOO replaced but yet I hate the idea that she lives with him. Maybe its because I am single (and probably always will be) and I felt like singledom was our bond? I dont know, but I agree it sucks and I am waiting until I am not so bothered by this anymore.
Comment by Marilyn — 1/2/2006 @ 9:33 pm
I too have recently been replaced by a new boyfriend. The 5 times a day calls have stopped, and I haven’t talked to her…or heard from her since New Year’s. When we do talk…it’s the same as what someone mentioned earlier, “guess what! So-and-so blinked today. And then, like, he did it again. HOW cute is that??” I try to sit through it and be cordial, but our conversations seem to get more and more superficial. I feel like if I call her it would be an interruption, and usually…it is. I don’t talk badly about her boyfriend because from what I know, he’s got a pretty decent character. She really likes him, and I am happy she finally has someone who treats her well. At first I thought this would be a quick phase, but as the months roll on…I’m beginning to see that I need to do the same. Of course I will always be there for her, but I have to do something good for me too. The thing about best friends though, is that they happen so spontaneously. It’s…a click. We’ve been best friends since senior year of high school…through all our years of college…and now as I’m in dental school and she’s finishing up grad. school. I realize that this is all a part of the change and growing process, and maybe that’s why it’s so hard…because one of my few constants in life…my relationship with my bestf. is now taking a turn. I think what we can best learn from this, is to be patient, to be more flexible, and to realize that likely, this too will happen to us…and we will better know how to respond to our friends’ feelings. Also, it is important to remember times in the pasts when we ourselves might have been the ditchers. In the meantime, nourish your other friendships and goals in life. Realize that this too shall pass ~ and when it does, you will be the better for it. Hang in there ladies!
Comment by Leslie — 1/13/2006 @ 11:04 am
I dunno what to do though i know that it ahppens to everyone but he hates me because i take her away from him. she wont do anything about it and hurts so abd when he is nasty to me espically when we were mates before they started going out it dosent help aswel that me and him used to have a bit of a thing and we have chemistry i dunno what to do. when she ditched me to be with him i sne ther a txt saying how much i hate him and he got involved by txting me back nasty things. Now i said its me or him and she choose him. She said that she knows that you shouldent choose a guy over your best freind but shes in love with him and i love her so much but i cant be freinds with her while shes with him. i knwo its gonna kil me not to be freinds with her :( were onyl 15 aswell im scared its gonna effect our whole group of freinds.
Comment by marmitegirl... — 1/22/2006 @ 4:18 pm
Well.. This is exactly what i am going through right now. It’s been a long journey bt let me just make it short. One yr ago, when my besfriend just got a boyfriend and her relationship began, it was really hard for me to accept the fact that i’m second. Her boyfriend is a nice guy but he is really a possesive one. For example, he gets angry when she chose to study at home than study with him. He wants to spend time with her alone and don’t let her spend much time with me. At the beggining, i start showing bad attitude and she was angry with me for doing that. I was hoping so badly that she could understand how i felt, bt she could not. as time goes by, i start pretending that i’m fine and their relationship would not affect our friendship even though i know that we’re drifting apart. I tried many ways to keep it together bt it just failed. I keep telling myself that i’m just her best friend while he is her boyfriend and i’ve got no right to get in their way. Many times she left me alone for him and there’s nothing i can do about it other than be patient. It has been a year now bt i’m still as hurt as i was 1 year ago. I could not imagine how i could bear with all these sadness for the past 12 months. We had been best friend for the past 5 years and i promise myself that i would never let this relationship break our bond. I really miss my best friend. I really do..
Comment by Catherine — 1/29/2006 @ 2:21 pm
My story is very similar to Stella’s. I’m probably jealous as I’m single at the moment. What bothers me, though, is why do they get a free pass for being flakey friends? Why are we the ones with a problem? I noticed in these posts that none of us have a problem with the boyfriend or their relationship, our problem is with our friend and the way she is treating the friendship.
There should be a healthy balance and I completely applaud the boyfriend in a post above who urged his girlfriend to maintain an equal balance with her friendship and their relationship. That’s called maturity.
My friend is with her boyfriend 15 out of 24 hours (the other 9 hours are her commute to work and her 8 hours at work), 7 days a week. She moved him into her apartment a few months after dating. Why is meeting me for 3 hours for lunch once a month, without him, a problem? I want to be able to dish with my friend…talk about whatever.
Another thing that really bothers me is that when I was guilty as charged of abandoning my friend for my boyfriend, she definitely let me know about it! And you know what? I listened to her without making her feel bad and I started spending Saturdays with my girlfriend. So, now it’s ok for her to do the same…and make me feel like crap for telling her how I feel? It’s not right.
I understand being in love but one should be able to be mature enought to maintain a healthy balance between friends and lovers. That means don’t talk about how many times he batted his eyelashes when we’re on the phone or hanging out. I’m sure that she doesn’t go on and on when she’s with him about how I curl my hair. When he’s with his friends, he doesn’t have you super-glued to his side. You’re at home, whining on the phone with me that Tom doesn’t invite you along when he’s with his friends. He still has a life outside of your relationship. You should get a life, too.
Comment by ThisOne — 2/1/2006 @ 9:26 am
It has been what seems like a very long journey… There seems to be this tightrope that I’m expected to walk now and I hate it. I’ve also tried in everyway possible to convey my feelings to my friend. I just wanted her to know and realize that although I’m happy for her…I am extremely hurt by the way she is treating me.
And what happens when I try to explain these things to her…is pretty unbelieveable to me. She treats me as if I am so spoiled child that is throwing a temper tantrum… She pretty much ignores what I say or fires back at me that I am “trying to make her feel bad”…when that is not the case at all. All I’ve ever wanted from her is a chance to talk…the two of us…not three… for us to come to some understanding as to what’s is really going on. BUt she won’t…she refuses to listen to me, to address my concerns, refuses to talk about anything other than her “wonderful relationship” with this guy.
At one point she even threaten to end our friendship (in so many words), if I didn’t stop making her feel bad… Because it just wasn’t fair to her and her boyfriend. And how is that fair to me? I really don’t think it is.
I’ve never asked or wanted her to end this relationship…I would never do that… All I’ve ever wanted to know was…now that he is in her life…where do I fit in… because before him… she proclaimed me #1 (so to speak).
What does she want from me now? But she refuses to answer…I think she expects me to know these things automatically. All she will say is…I am her best friend…and she still feels the same way about me… but in my opinion…she does not act the same… Is there some switch I am suppose to flip? Is there something that I am missing? I wish I know…
Sometimes I wish I had never met her…She had never come into my life. Because really I could do without all this hurt. I need someone to be my friend…a true friend…Not someone that obviously uses me as a stand in…until Mr. Right comes along… even though she will probably deny that fact…that’s just the way I feel.. used, abused and put aside for the next lull…if there ever is one.
I was hoping that I would feel better about things by now… but I don’t… Its been 3months and I still feel like total and complete trash. And it seems that if I want to continue to have her as a friend I will have to continue to walk that tightrope… :-( how completely unfair….
Comment by Calj — 2/1/2006 @ 3:04 pm
I agree with you but not totally…I think friendship takes effort just like any relationship and i dont believe i have “expendable” written across my forehead..I dont think its right to cast your friends aside for what ever love interest you have for the moment…i think that both parties involved should make a conscious effort to not just drop one person for another…why cant you have both? i dont know about everyone else but ive stayed up listening to one too many 2 am phone calls trying to piece a friend back together just to be tossed aside everytime a new guy walks into her life and i also think if you act like its ok everytime a friend does this too you you make it perfectly exceptable and its not…im not saying that everyone should end friendships…but dont be anyones door mat either and sure as hell dont remember how to only dial a phone number when your hearts broken
Comment by Lisa — 2/2/2006 @ 10:16 pm
one of my best friends is a chick. well her new boy-toy just happens to be my best guy friend. so i’ve “lost” two friends at the same time, and it does really suck. well they only hang out with each other, and the only way i can talk to either one of them is if i call them. Well usually i want to tell them to just fuck themselves, but never build up the required assholesque behavior. well lately it’s getting worse, she’s even happy he ditches everyone, she thinks he’s being selfless and such. well see, i disagree with your article. until they BECOME the one, you shouldn’t be spending that much time with a boyfriend/girlfriend because you alienate yourself from those around you, and the friendships never are quite as strong as they were. it’s pitiful. you want to hang out with your gal/boyfriend and that’s it? you make your bed and you sleep in it, choices have consequences, and if you don’t take the advice from those around you, well fuck you, those people should be LUCKY to have someone saying “i told you so” because really, they shouldn’t have anyone waiting at all. hell, it’s been a while, i haven’t talked to either of them in about 2 months, and as far as i’m concerned, when it’s over, they shouldn’t bother calling me ’cause if they didn’t pick up the phone, why should I? I don’t care if you call it “love”, no human knows what love is until they see their child born, plain and simple. So here’s the plan: you have troubles with your pals? FUCK EM, find more friends, they ignore you, ignore ’em back.
Comment by rob — 2/4/2006 @ 7:10 pm
I wish I had read this two years ago. Unfortunalty, horrible words were said to eachother. I’m almost sure now that things have changed so much we can’t be friends anymore. And a part of me still feels I do not want to be friends because she broke my heart, after all I had feelings for the man she is now seeing. The secret ingredient of this situatiuon is that we both live in the UK. He lives in the US. We are 18, he is 29. And all this started nearly 2 years ago. Every now and then I will think I see her in the street. I found out he came over to the UK last month, she has a ring from him and everything. Seeing how they feel about eachother really makes me doubt how I feel about my current boyfriend. And I also feel that she has the life that I once really wanted, a cool american bf with a life in America. Just can god give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change. This whole situation has made me feellike when ever I ask for help, I am wrong.
Comment by Louise — 2/5/2006 @ 4:36 am
Yea I’m glad I found this article and all the responses are helping me cope a little bit… I guess this is the point in my response where I tell my story. Every since freshman year in high school my best friend and I have been increasingly closer. Especially this year, our junior year. All first semester we hung out like crazy. every weekend she’d call and we’d lay down and watch tv for hours or go eat and just hang out and do the most random thing. We had so many inside jokes na dwould write them down. She’d drive me home at least 1-2 times a week. She was always such a flirt so she always had this group of guy friends she’s hang out with and it would bother me sometimes but she was always just a flirt, nothing more. So boyfriends weren’t a possibility. Then this one guy came along. He’s a great guy and him and I r ok friends. Me and my best friend were talk and talk about there feelings for eachother and of course I pushed for them to get together. They eventually did and I was honestly happy for her. She never had a “real” relationship before and this guy was her boy best friend. They’re perfect for eachother. It sucks. A lot has changed. I barely see her. During a 3 night school trip she was always with him, cuddling in our room. Almost everytime we have free time at school (which isn’t alot),and it’s the only time i can see her, shes with him. Don’t get me wrong I like the guy. We’ve become closer friends and joke alot but a part of me has always been jealous and hated him. When I call to hang out, shes with him. I wait for her to call…she never does anymore. When im around her and my other good friend…they talk about their boyfriends alot and it sucks. I try my hardest to be supportive and not feel awkward. I’ve never had a boyfriend before and I probably wont during high school for various reasons and it stinks. It’s not fair! Why can’t I be ther flirt and get all the guys and have the perfect boyfriend who ditches her ex-best friend and kills her heart.. Y do I have to be the asexual prude who’s extremely loyal to her bestfriend even though her best friend barely realizes her existance. I miss her. thats all I wanna say. I didn’t realize that we were that close until she was gone. I don’t like to express my true feelings much so I never want to seem needy. I want her to call me, to hang out. because whenever I call her, im always afraid of spoiling her evening. I don’t go out much anymore. Me and my best friend havent hung out(just me and her) for probably 2 months. I was close last week, but he was there too. We all hung out and it was fun but there were times when I felt so lonely and jealous. They’d hold hands, cuddle. It’s not fair. I miss her. I cant tell her. I cant tell anyone. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I hate that. When valentines day came around I felt horrible but i used all my energy to keep up a smile and help her choose a present for him. My friends expect me to feel a little lonely so I cant look lonely. I’m fine. I don’t need a boyfriend. I’m lonely. My bestfriend don’t talk to me that much anymore. I kinda dont want her to talk to me. I want her to realize that we dont hang out that much anymore. I want her to feel bad for ditching me for him all the time. I want her to feel bad for complaining about him not being there when I’m around and he’s not. I want them to break up and for her to come running back to me. I want him or her to do something mean to me so they’ll regret it and remember that I EXIST! I’m such a bad person. In reality I dont want a boyfriend. Im just jealous. But she’s sooo happy. It makes me happy to see her giggle “he says he likes me”,”i really like him”,”we kissed for the first time”,”we said I love you”,”we’re so lucky we found eachother”,”i wanna have sex with him”. I’m glad shes so happy.I love her and I’m happy for her. but…but what about me? I spend hour and hours thinking about it. even crying sometimes (i try my hardest not to cry). I need to suck it up. she still needs a best friend, even if I am second. even if she doesn’t notice that im not there anymore. even if she doesnt notice that im dying evertime they hold hands or cuddle in front of me. I have to wipe my tears and bear it because shes my best friend and I love her soo much. I’m going to do it. Someday we may lose touch with college and all. She may still be with him and he will completely replace me. But too bad. right now we’re best friends. hope she realizes how “lucky she is”. not for having found him, but for still having me. I miss her. This response was so long and I had so much more to say but I’m getting a little depressed and I need to snap out of it. It’s not that bad. Someday I’ll have my first boyfriend. someday she’ll be my best friend again. maybe. I love her and I miss her. and I can’t say anything, its tears my heart to shreds… ugh im such a wuss. if anyone would like to talk you can email me here:jamangela123@yahoo.com I cant let anyone I know, know that I’ve written this. I’m supposed to be the perfect best friend, comepletely supportive, and unwaivering in loyalty even with abandonment. Asexual, will never get a boyfriend, and so independant that I dont care. it’s not fair…
Comment by Jam — 3/5/2006 @ 2:15 am
yea well although this is a helpful story, i am still pretty mad at her… i feel like all the time on the phone and hanging out with her are wasted. and now that she doesn’t call me anymore, it gets me pretty mad. and she and this guy aren’t even going out. they are just practically obsessed with each other! everyone in the grade hates him because he uses girls. plus he has a girlfriend. i dont know what to do. on the rare occasion that she does call me all she does is talk about him and his greatness. then when were online as soon as he puts his away message on she signs of without ever saying a word to me. and when im talking to her in the hallways, it seems like shes not even listening and when she sees him walk by she’ll scream out his name while im in mid sentance. I AM SO MAD AT HER. SORRY BUT WHAT SHE IS DOING IS NOT GOING TO BE EASILY FORGIVED.
Comment by becca — 3/8/2006 @ 4:32 pm
hmm yes they are going out now and it is rather awkward. it only gets worse.
Comment by becca — 3/16/2006 @ 8:13 pm
I was a little surprised when i read this article. On some points, i agree with it. But on others I dont. I dont really get the point of considering someone your best friend when they can just leave you there like trash. I am 17 years old and me and my best friend used to be inseperable. Really..We did everything together…we laughed so much 3/4 of the time we peeped in our pants when we were yuonger…best friends for 5 years..then this year…our last year in high school and by far my most miserable one, we stopped everything everyday we spent together, her family was my family we paid everything for each other and we even buried some type of capsule. I would never in my mind would of thought it would’ve happened to me and her. And now, almost a year later, it is all gone. Yes I have cried…like a baby..hoping that she would call me..hoping that maybe even though he was around i could still be around too…When they almost broke up, i was there for her at her house, when she was crying none stop..i was there helping her through her hard times. then he showed up at her house..and it was like i was not there…they left for 45 minutes and I sat there on the couch waiting for her to come back home…she forgot I was there….I had never ever felt that hurt in my life. When they came back home later on me and her mom were so worried…then i left..and she saw it in my eyes how i felt..we always knew how the other felt..we could never lie to each other…then she thanked me an d told me she was going to call the next day…well….she never did…i waited all day long…all night….she never called me…cuz he was there…I hated him at that point…but its not his fault..I actuaclly like the guy..hes really nice..but its the decision she took..but to me..i want her to be happy but i will never forgive her for all the things she did to me…when i was having hard times in the past year…she wasnt there for me when i was crying….after a while.. i decided I just got over it….It still hurts me and i still cry over it…i just picture us like before…and i wonder if she still has pictures of us in her room..and i wonder if her parents and her family miss me..and I always see us…like before….saying that no guy in the whole world could ever brake us up…yet they can…it feels as if i lost a sister… today has been about 3 months since she hasnt called…the last time we had a sleepover was the day before she met the guy…wow…ironic…
Comment by Julia — 3/30/2006 @ 8:02 pm
Thanks! My best friend just her thrid boyfriend and it’s been really hard on me . Because all she dose now is pda all the time and leaves my out of the loop. I know I shouldn’t be jelouse of her but it hurts me alot because she wants to spend so much time with him and not with me. I know it really easy to fall in love but I wish sometimes that she would give it a break and easy up on loveing him so much. I mean I can’t tell her how I feel because if I do she’ll never talk to me again and it’s make me feel really bad about not talking much and then I’ll be all by myself.
So now I knowthat itj’s okay to be jelouse of her.
I hope I meet the right guy one day.
Comment by Diana — 4/20/2006 @ 9:16 am
Thanks so much for this article, I am always happy to see other people understanding what I am going through. But I have to ask you this” My friend COMPLETELY doesn’t talk to me. When she sees me she runs the other way. When I call she either won’t answer the phone and if she does she immediately hangs up. It has been like this for about 5 months now. Have you ever seen these extreme situations be reconciled?
Comment by Marcy — 4/28/2006 @ 10:17 am
Marcy,
I really don’t know what’s going on with your friend and I have never experienced anything like this before. It’s probably best to stay open to her friendship when it comes back, but pursue new friends for now.
I know from experience that this is really painful. Don’t let it get you down. Concentrate on new friends and try to keep your heart soft when she comes back.
Good luck, Laura Moncur
Comment by Laura Moncur — 4/29/2006 @ 1:21 pm
My best friend is always around me and all she cares about is her boyfriend.She ditches me for him.And hes a totally jerk and he makes fun of me all the time and she doesent care she just laughs with him so i walk away and she gets all mad at me like its all my fault.And if it wasent for me she couldn’t go to the movies and she is only 12 years old.And she makes out with him and she always talks about going and making out in the bed and whole bunch of stuff.Then I dont have any friend to be around!
Comment by Alicia — 5/1/2006 @ 7:48 pm
My best friend had a huge fight with this one guy who was completely using her. I tried to let her know she had to get out of the situation before, because he was talking behind her back and making her out to be a fool to everyone else around. She didnt want to listen to me so i got upset and instead of talking to me about the situation, she went to the guy I had liked for about a year, and talked to him about it. They are now dating, and it feels like im being stabbed in the back repeatedly because she knew i liked that guy. Now all she wants to do is be with him, she tells me all the time. Im not sure if she remembers me telling her about this guy before, and how i felt about him. But i really feel third wheel, and it hurts because its difficult to talk to her now…It’s like whenever I turn around they are making out, or shes on top of him, or theyre talking, or cuddling. I really dont want to feel like this because she has always been there for me. Im ok with them going out, theres nothing I can or will do about it. I wasnt in a relationship with the guy, so its ok, but that doesnt mean it doesnt still hurt. She’s been making plans with me and trying to include me in her life, but she invites me to things, and because he is there, she doesnt talk to me at all. She asks me why i dont talk to her as much anymore, how can she not understand?
Comment by Melanie — 5/28/2006 @ 2:34 pm
Hey, found this site coz I typed how I felt into Google. I’m a guy as you can probably tell by my name, but the case mentioned above applies to me vice versa. I feel like my best friend spends less time with me and our friendship feels like it has suffered since he got a girl. Now, I feel like I have to restrain myself from asking him to go out and get a beer or to just chat when stuff is tough in my life, because I’m afraid he’ll be to busy with her and I’ll get the same “Sorry, I have other plans” excuse I keep getting recently. Now I see him rarely, just to talk one on one, because he can’t resist bringing his girl out with him on the occassions we get out together, which makes it a whole lot more awkward to be the guy stuck in the middle of two people that only seem to acknowledge each other’s existence. I’ve been very honest with him by email at how we don’t get along like we used to, but when I see him, he acts like I haven’t said anything, so nothing ever changes. It hurts and I don’t know how to progress without making it worse.
Comment by Dave — 6/5/2006 @ 3:56 pm
Its been a while since I wrote….A lot has happened. What is comes down to is…a couple of months ago my best friend and I had a huge fight. I blew up at her because when I needed her she seemingly wasn’t there for. Now she refuses to talk to me directly…her communication comes from her boyfriend. He basely told me to stop emailing her, stop trying to work things out, because she is done with her past and that includes me. I can not tell you how hurt I am by all of this. I know I hurt her..and to tell the truth she hurt me too. There is just so many assumptions on both side. She thinks that I’ve judged her, she thinks that I’m jealous of her boyfriend and that I hate him. When the truth is…I could care less about him…I don’t know him at all…All I wanted to know is how I fit into her life since she has found her love. But now things have progressed to the point of no return…she doesn’t want me in her life…she happy with her guy and I guess there’s no need for me anymore. The whole idea of knowing that I will see or hear from her again tears me up inside and makes me cry. I guess this friendship just wasn’t meant to me.
Comment by Calj — 6/10/2006 @ 5:12 am
My best friend(my cuzion) well she always asked me to go to the movies with her. i always ask her if her boyfriend is going w/ her and she always tell me yes well i dont like going becuz she dont even talk to me when were there she ignores me the whole time and they will sit there making fun of me well the next time she asked i said no and she got all mad at me..and i try tellin her i dont like being around her when she is around her boyfriend becuz you act alot different when you’re around him and she got mad at me and won’t talk to me…when we go to movies all she does is makes out with her boyfriend so i got sit outside untill the movie is over cuz i cant take it cuz they make fun of me so much.. what should i do about it?
Comment by Alicia — 6/14/2006 @ 12:43 pm
Rite guys, this is ridiculous! I understand that ur hurt, and so am I..otherwise I wouldn’t be here! BUT…WE’RE MEANT TO BE THESE GIRL’S BEST FRIENDS, HOW WOULD THEY FEEL IF THEY KNEW WE WERE COMPLAINING LIKE THIS?! I’ve read enough of these posts to get the idea, but this is jealousy speaking, not compassion. Even if you’ve stopped speaking to ur friend as a result of her boyfriend, ring her. tell her you miss her, you need to spend some time together, and you feel as if a massive part of your life has gone away, if she is ur best friend she will feel awful and she’ll chat it thru, and u’ll come to a decision. But if she’s not, she won’t chat it thru and then it’ll be time 4u to find some1 else who is so special 2u. her feelings 4 her boyfriend will cloud her vision so she may not be able to see rite now that u are hurting, but let her know. my best friend has her boyfriend, they’re serious, and i don’t think it’ll b long till they’re married. and to make it worse, he doesn’t like me. and i don’t see stephie as much as i’d like. BUT i love her, and i’ll always be there 4 her, as she will 4 me, people make mistakes and people find love, but just coz she loves him doesn’t mean she stops caring about me. find some people who u can hang around with, go to church, get a PASSION in ur life. she’ll be there still i am hurt and angry, but i’d like to keep my best friend, there4 i choose to air my feelings n choose to spend time with all kinds of people KNOWING that i have an amazing best friend, and we appreciate each other so much more as a resuklt. Beth -email me at xelphabax@hotmail.com
x
Comment by Beth — 6/16/2006 @ 6:29 am
Three months and she finally decided to let me know that it was serious. She had finally met “the one”. And she made a great choice, might I add. They decided they would get engaged in a couple years and then get married after college.
The Problem: It took her three months to place this “special someone” above me, her best friend of eight years. Why?
What happened to “us girls gotta stick together”? What ever happened to “best friends forever”? What ever happened to “my girls come first”?
I understand that we can’t get married and raise a family together but why can’t I be a part of the picture? Why can’t I be that friend of the family they never let down?
Well, a lot has happened since then and we have poured out our feelings to one another but then I start getting questions like: what is it, do you not think we aren’t meant for each other?
Of course I could care less, she is a smart individual and frankly, even if I had an opposing opinion to her new relationship what difference would it make when they’ve set the wedding date?
She says: I don’t want it to have to choose between my friend and “the one”?
I say: you made it that way and your decision was very clear!
She has said sorry for not being there for me. I wrote her an apology and I have been trying to mend the relationship since. The truth is I was her friend because she made me a better person…that’s what friends are for. This “special someone” is now making her a better person but she is leaving me behind. I think we could both benefit from this new person in her life. Love shouldn’t hold you back from interacting with your friends, family and the rest of society!?!?
I try. I believe I have made a difference and fixed things far more than she ever will. It still feels fake at times and I can not look her in the eyes for too long, for fear that she might see right through my act and know that something is still very wrong.
betrayal, devestation, replacement I am hurt badly.
Comment by Hurt Badly — 7/3/2006 @ 9:03 am
Wow..its insane how many stories on here are JUST like mine!! I have been looking for something like this for the past 2 1/2. months ever since she met this guy…its like the past (almost) 3 months all i’ve been feeling is hurt….sigh i hate this feeling…she’s pushing me away for him, they’re talking about getting married ALREADY!! She’s 19, he’s 21….and I’m 15. But we are like SISTERS and we talked EVERY day for at least 2 hours either Online, Phone, or both….and now i’m lucky if she remembers to call once or twice a week….yeah it hurts alot..but this article helped me understand a lil bit more that im not alone….If anybody would like to talk to me add me on AIM: FullyAlive315 or yahoo: blondeatheart4lfe
Comment by Katherine — 7/8/2006 @ 7:05 pm
I’m on the opposite side – I’ve been dating a great guy for almost 2 years we’re very serious. We’re both in our mid twenties. By best friend and I were extremely close for at least 6 years and throughout out friendship we both dated guys but we always put eachother first. Many guys I dated felt that they could never get through to me because of her. The thing was, they never really meant much to me…not more than she did…until now.
I work full time, go to school full time, have a large family, am active in many sports, and have a pretty busy life. My best friend was always part of my busy life…we travelled together, did everything together. But then I met my boyfriend. I started seeing him a lot and I knew right away that he was different. My best friend knew too. I still talked to her often and saw her but I stopped some of my crazy partying ways and she didn’t. In a way I matured and was moving on in life but she was holding on. My boyfriend has always been polite to her and encouraged me to spend time with her. However, she wanted all my time, not part of it.
She became depressed and sad. We have many friends but we don’t see them often…it’s more of a casual type of friendship so she felt lonely and replaced. She blamed her loneliness on me. We talked about it but it was as if she wanted me to choose him or her. I don’t feel I should have to choose. The thing is, she has always relied on me to go out with her and do things with her. She’s quiet and more of a follower. I always spent a lot of time with her but I always had sports, family and other things to do too. So me spending less time with her has made her lonely.
She was in a relationship with a lousy guy and they have been off and on. I never said negative things about him but she always blamed her lousy relationship on the fact that he was all she had. She told me that to my face…that all she had was him… It makes me sad that she doesn’t see that I’m there for her too – basically, because I was in a great serious relationship and she was left alone, she had to be with him, so it’s my fault. In my opinion, that is just stupid and she needs to grow up and find some things that interest her and pursue them.
It makes me sad and mad that she is so depressed. I understand that finding other friends is hard but it makes it hard to spend time with her. Often times I ask her what she’s doing tomorrow night and she says in a snooty voice “nothing as usual”. As if that’s gonna make me want to do something with her. We definately don’t go out as much but when I ask her she always says something that will make me see how upset she is that I’m not spending 24/7 with her. I almost want to tell her that she’s not going to meet anyone sitting at home watching tv all depressed.
I mentioned before that my boyfriend has always been nice to her – but she’s not always been nice to him. In fact, for a while he didn’t even like her – he was only polite because he loves me and knows that i care for her. She has refused to let him sit in the front seat of my car, she has ignored him, not said hi to him at common outings, been verbally rude to him, etc…yet he always says hi to her and asks her hows it going etc. He doesn’t understand why I bother to salvage the relationship. Sometimes I don’t either. I miss the old days but I am so happy now. I wish I could have my care-free friend back but she is the one who can’t go back. I am not able to give her all my time but I can give some…My mother thinks it’s time to let her go – my boyfriend says I should just enjoy her company when she’s there but don’t depend on her because I might get more hurt.
I understand that everyone in this column feels jealous and hurt but it’s also hard being on the other side. I want to spend the rest of my life with this guy, and I want my friend to be a part of it. Yet, she is making it difficult because she only wants the full me. She says she feels like the third wheel but I never make out with my boyfriend or act all over him when I’m out with both of them. I do spend more time at parties with him than her but its only because he usually doesn’t know too many people at my friend’s parties…it’s only normal that I wouldn’t leave him alone all night.
Why does she expect me to change and not her? Yes I have had to cancel plans with her and yes I have chosen him over her, but I’m not going to marry her. I bring him to family events now, rather than her, because I’m growing up and thats life. Although we’re not married we act like we are and we will be soon. Couples do things with other couples. THey can go out with their friends here and there but thats the way life is. I love the feeling and even if for some unknown reason things didn’t work out with me and him, I wouldn’t go back to my old ways. I never asked her to be so dependent on me….i was never that dependent on her. What if it were her in the serious relationship? She would have done the same thing. I would have been hurt but I would still spend whatever opportunities there were having fun together. SHe on the other hand, wants to spend time alone with me. We can go out together or with a group of people, but even if we’re in a group she gets upset that he’s there.
I don’t see her changing because she’s been acting depressed for almost 2 years now. She makes it seem like my fault rather than being happy for me. I guess maybe because she’s never been in love so she doesn’t understand. Maybe she does but she’s just jealous. Talking doesn’t help much because she wants me back. We work together, so we see eachother every day, and we often go for lunch. I know she misses seeing me on the weekends – we spend some times together but I also like to see my boyfriend, family and do other stuff. We still have fun together but she’s up and down. I guess that’s why I’m hanging on but eventually I won’t be able to take it anymore and then who knows how she’s going to react. Its almost gotten to the point where I feel like avoiding her calls and I don’t call her as often because I’m not in the mood to deal with her depression.
Comment by otherside — 7/18/2006 @ 6:38 am
To Hurt Badly:
You say that you don’t want your friend to choose but it’s apparent that you do…
You wrote that she says “I don’t want it to have to choose between my friend and “the one”?” and then you replied, “You made it that way and your decision was very clear!”
You’re only saying that because she didn’t dump him and choose you. If she had chosen you then you would never say that.
I’m on the opposite side and I can relate to your friend – life changes but I’m sure she still cares for you and it’s so easy to ruin the relationship even more by feeling angry with her.
Comment by Otherside — 7/19/2006 @ 6:41 am
I think this article is amazing. I too, as everyone else here have been ditched once again by my bestfriend. We’ve known each other for 13 years, and I always seem to be shocked when she gets a boyfriend, and I never here from her for months. As you can tell this has not happened once. We are now living togehter, and were actually having a wonderful time before her boyfreind came into the picture (let me also remind you that I to have a boyfriend, we’ve been togther over 5 years). All of a sudden, she isn’t around anymore, I always tell myself, ‘its the honeymoon, it’ll be over soon, and she’ll come back to me’ Well the other day we had plans that involved our men, mine was waiting for us 45mins away by car to meet us, he had gone earlier, I was coming down with them. Of course they don’t show up when they said they would, so I called, and they hadn’t left yet. Then I call 45 minutes later, and she says ‘the more you keep calling, the later I will be’…..wow!! ok fine ‘are you on your way’…she said they were in the car. I get a phone call 5 minutes later and its her boyfriend, he told me since it was getting late and it was far, THEY decided not to go. By this time I was an hour late….and my man had no idea now I wasn’t coming. Naturally, the next day I let her have it. She put me in a bad situation were I was stranded…with no way to get to the plans I had originally made…I was counting on them.
I just find it so hard to understand….I have a boyfriend, and I never make my friends feel like trash. They are good people that have always been there for me, and I too, will be there for them. We hang out, laugh and act like the biggest girls and talk about shoes, boys, love, babies etc…This is the only one of them all that makes me feel so bad. I’ve gone to the ends of the world for her….so much….and I honestly feel like this whole time I’ve been used. Not once have I made her feel second best to my man, she is important to me in a different way than my boyfriend, but she doesn’t get it…and I find myself being exhausted and frustrated now. She cannot tell me its hard to balance the two, boyfriend and bestfriend…I’ve managed very well. It just hurt so bad to be ditched so last minute, and she nothing to even help me get to my plans. I even asked her to bring me my car…and she flatley said NO. I’m at odds to what to do next, I feel very burned by her. I have decided not to make plans or invite her out anymore…but that doesn’t help me solve the problem…..the fact is I miss her, and she doesn’t even care….and I will not let her do this to me again…which I know she will. Just so torn…does anyone have any advice?
Comment by always 2nd best — 8/8/2006 @ 11:41 am
Reply to Otherside: I can see how you have come to that conclusion but the truth is you don’t know the whole story. You don’t know what I’ve put up with and you don’t know what I’ve had to go through … alone.
It’s hard when your best friend says they’d like to have you around but make no effort to be there for you. But I’m no angel either. I always thought I was a “Giver” type of person but I’m not. Cause someone who gives with the expectation of getting something in return is a “taker”. Sure, I’m there for my friends when they need me, I make sure they have a good time when they’re with me and I go out of my way to help them BUT I expected nothing less in return.
Now I try my best to act differently and believe I learn from my experiences quite a bit. I try helping out just to help out, I try to be there cause I can, I try making people feel good cause that’s what people should do. I live in a different world. I just came back from a long trip. Spent a month with a whole bunch of relatives, many have become my friends (people that bring joy into my life). I try not to hold grudges against people for what they say and try to forgive people for what they do.
I’m going to give my still-best friend a call soon and tell her I’ve made it home safely, I know she will be happy to hear from me. I’m going to see if she’d like to go to the movies, maybe take our little sisters to see an animated film. I think it’d be fun. Or maybe we can go bowling with a couple other friends. I can’t wait to show her pictures from my trip and listen to her tell me about her summer break.
“Feeling angry” never ruined a relationship but “feeling angry” without making changes can destroy your life. Don’t be angry that your friend is depressed. When was the last time she talked to you about her family, her relationships, her education, her career, her life? Your seperation hasn’t allowed you to stay updated on what she’s going through so be more understanding, I doubt you’re the only person affecting her life.
You can’t blame her for being depressed either, people can’t control their feelings. Much like how you can’t control your love for your boyfriend and your need to be there for him and with him. After all, that’s the man you want to marry and you don’t want to mess it up or have your friends distract you. You’re on a mission to plan out your life and grow into that picture perfect family. Sure can’t blame you for not being “in the mood to deal with her depression”. You’ve got better things to do than worry about someone’s feelings. You have yourself to think about. Just try not to forget that couples have problems too. Even though you may not be “in the mood” to deal with their feelings, they may not be willing to wait for your mood to change.
Good luck with your new relationship and try not to be a “taker” like I was. I really really do wish the best for you…because I should. Let us know how things go :)
I am Hurt Badly… but recovering
Comment by Hurt Badly — 8/9/2006 @ 7:55 pm
I forgot to thank the person who wrote this article. I really don’t know where I’d be if I didn’t see how common the situation was or understand the feelings of someone on the other side.
What I have always been taught but what I have finally come to accept is that with every hardship comes ease. If that doesn’t make sense … just wait and see.
Best Wishes!
Comment by Hurt Badly — 8/9/2006 @ 8:06 pm
to Hurt Badly…I think we would be best friends if we knew each other…I understand that things happens and yo may love someone but in my case, 7years is pretty important too especially when the guy is my ex…I really think we are on the same page…wish you were my so-called my best friend
Comment by Ms.Fucked Over — 8/10/2006 @ 6:09 pm
so i started reading all of this and felt really bad for expressing to my friend that i did not like being second best. she insisted that he is the third wheel to our friendship and tells me that im making her feel bad when i dont want to hang out with just the two of them. i have definately noticed a decrease in her answering her phone.. especially if she’s with him, and it just sucks that she doesnt need me anymore. it hurts, hurts like hell.. i have to schedule her days in advance just so she’ll hang out with me. the other day we had been planning to go to state fair together because i really wanted to go. i even made a sacrafice and invited her guy to go with! so i call her to see what time we will leave and she doesnt answer a few times. she finally calls back a few hours later and says she doesnt want to go cause she is tired and broke and state fair is boring. i said okay… well what do you want to do then? and she’s like oh well eric is coming over to hang out you can join. we both got in an arguement over it and hung up very upset. we haven’t talked since until i read this tonight. i felt really bad and so i was going to call her to talk things through and calmly tell her how i felt and that i’d be supportive. but surprise surprise she didnt answer… Turns out that shes at the state fair with eric! im crushed and i hate this! i’d never treat her like this. i dont know whether to end it or keep taking the abuse. when he leaves her behind and goes to college i know she’ll be calling me but i dont know what to do..
Comment by emily — 8/10/2006 @ 10:03 pm
to emily….
I have decided for the time being to take care of number one, and that’s me. My bestfriend and her boyfriend are so wrapped up in each other, that they forget about thier friends. I haven’t made an effort to call her, email her…nothing…and I live with the girl. I’m trying to be understanding….really I am….they’re new, and in love..I am happy that she fianlly found someone, she deserves the best, but at the same time I am devastated to know that I have to let her go. Maybe I’ll stay friends with her, not like we used to be….but none the less, she’s made a huge impact in my life….so that counts for something, right? I too am confused and hurt…but time will heal all wounds.
Comment by always 2nd best — 8/11/2006 @ 12:27 pm
This post was very helpful for me, but overall just made me sad. I am the newly single best friend after 4 years and my best friend of 10 years is dating someone that I can not stand. I knew him before, I know who he is what he is about and well, that he cheated on his wife with my friend but didn’t leave her for my friend. When his wife finally kicked him out, he said he loved my best friend…blah blah. So for th epast 4 months she has been dating this guy and I am sad. I mean she still answers the phone when I call, we still talk all the time, but I can feel things starting to change. He told me one night that he “was going to marry her, just watch”, and that “I am her best friend, dont’ you knwo that?” You woule never know that we are all in our early 30s by the way he acts. I am not angry, just hurt, really bad, I want my best friend ot have a guy who is wonderful, not him. I can just hope that she will see who he really is, so that our friendship can remain as strong as it is today. Thanks for posting, it has helped me work though some thoughts.
Comment by sunnywaves — 8/12/2006 @ 6:00 pm
my best friend of over 10 years has been acting soood differently for the past few years, since we started university. I knew thing would change, and that we would drift apart … that’s just the way things go. neither one of us are dating anyone, but its like she keeps brushing me off everytime i ask her if she wants 2 meet up… i thought it was my choice of places … its like she has an excuse 4 everything. asked her to go to a club, where it was free entry (but i wud have paid anyway) and neither of us drink so there wasnt an issue abt costs, coz i know she’s in debt by a few hundred, but she point blank turned me down, and her first excuse was the “money” but i told her it was free, and she was like “shes tired!” , and there are other times when i’ve asked her, but shes either “busy” or “tired – and wants 2 catch up on sleep” yet i see her online! … but she’s always talking about how she meets up with her other friends, and she can spend loads of money on going to concerts and stuff … but she cant spend like £5 for a night out! it feels like she can make time or others and now me. there’s a guy that likes her, and i know she likes him as well, but for her personal reasons she knows it won’t work out at all, so she’s not persuing that any further, but its like she talks to him and spends time with him more than with me … i mean i only get to see her during the summers because we both are different universities, and i havent seen her for the past few weeks,so was making an effort on my part ……..
and i dont wanna have 2 keep askin her … and feel like the possesive friend who wants 2 meet up with her all the time. i meet up with my other friends and chat to them alot, so its not like im lonely, but even though i have all my other friends i still feel like the one person who matters isn’t there for me .. and it really hurts. coz thers so much other things goin on in my life that i want to talk to her about , but im scared shes going to be too busy or tired ….
it just hurts sooooo much, from being inseperable in high school and even during college though we were in different colleges, we have come to a stage like this… im so scared of loosing her, coz her friendship means the world to me and i honestly don’t know what to do, i feel like i cant even talk to her about how i feel … coz i don’t want to “disturb” her …..
i know my situation is different to most people’s, as in there isnt a boyfriend involved on either side, but more like “money” and “time” and i dont know what else … and im hoping someone can help me, coz im scared im going to loose the longest friend i’ve had, coz i honestly treasure her friendship so much :(
thanks for reading all this btw! :)
anisha! x
Comment by anisha — 8/13/2006 @ 10:52 am
I was in a similar situation with my best friend of over 10 yrs.
When we were younger we’d spend almost the entire day together, just hanging out and doing the usual stuff – playing around, visitng other mutual friends and yea basically hanging out.
Then he found a girl friend and from that night onwards I didn’t see my mate for three months straight. Yea I was upset after having spent almost 5 yrs straight together day in day out – used to getting the regular phone calls to pick him up, or to be picked up – at first it was hard – and down right depressing :-(
Well any ways two years past and during that two years we’d seen each other on probably 10 – 15 occassions. Just short visits.
Anyways I would call him or sometimes we’d see each other when I was out and about and I would say something like “Lets hook up and do something” – he would always blow me off and say he was busy or had something else to do, and all through this I just held it all in that I was pissed that he wouldnt make time for me. I even got along really well with his girl and went out together on a couple of occassions. But still it wasnt a regular thing.
Well his relationship was worse than a roller coaster ride – severe ups and downs and loop the loops you name it – I was put in the position to support and help me mate pick up the pieces everytime. This seemed to happen over and over again – and it was only when their relationship was shakey that I would see my best friend. One day she left for good.
Well anyways – the plot thickens. He found another new close mate (he kinda told me) and I would still call occassionally to “hook up and do something” and I would get the “I’m too busy” or “I’ll call you back”. We hardly heard or saw or did anything for atleast another year – yet all through this I still thought about my mate, and I was really deep down hurt and missing him heaps. All these feelings I dealt with by myself and didnt share them with anyone else.
During this time I ventured out on my own. Started renting my own house, got some new flat mates, and immersed myself into a whole new social circle. This proved to be one of the most financial challenging times I have dealt with thus far in my life – and during these challenges – yep I still thought about my mate and what he was doing and I would wish I still had a close mate to confide in.
The good thing about going out on my own and finding my own life was that I did find new friends and people to hang out with who had similar interests etc.
Well anyways – after a year or so I moved into another “new” pad with another old mate of mine – who I’ve known since childhood and really trust. Life seemed to be getting easier and more relaxed.
I hadn’t heard or seen or talked to my mate for 8mnths straight now – then one day I had this dream about my best friend. I decided man I havnt seen this fella for ages wonder what’s up with him so I went over to his house and what???? He’s moved out. SO I give him a call on his cell and he’s shifted town.
Well low and behold some personal stuff is going on and he had to move. He’s also a bit lonely out of town no friends visiting etc. So I took the opportunity to go and visit him that evening.
Well during this visit I let him know why I contacted him again – that I had a dream about him. Even though I felt resentment toward my friend – we took the opportunity to really get in touch again and to catch up etc. It was great.
Things happened and now he’s moved into my house and now we’re better friends than we ever have been – and see each other well everyday lol.
He has a new girl again – but now having gone right around in a circle I understand that “real” friends will always come back. Maybe it was my own persistance – to call or maybe it was timing.
In any case just being patient and finding other people to hang out with surely does help with that feeling of losing your best mate.
So even sometimes when he spends time with his girl I understand that he’s still my friend. Accept that time is not endless and that he will spend time with me when he can and he does.
And finding your own friends or girl friend can stop those feelings of being jealous or whatever.
So at the end of the day I got my best friend back again – and I hope my friendship to my best friend is as important to him as his friendship is to me. These days I’m a little more understanding.
Chin up folks good things happen to good people.
Comment by Dude — 8/14/2006 @ 9:37 pm
thank you for writing this article. it made me sort of understand how im feeling right now…
my bestfriend told me a week ago that she likes this guy, ‘bob’ and that she wants to tell him. i encouraged her, obviously because i want her to be happy and because she thinks that this guy might like him. about 4 days ago, she got into talking with this guy ‘bill’ and she fell for him. she thinks this guys likes her too, so she thought that she should tell him.
thing is, my bestfriend and i are inseperable… and we’ve only be close friends for about a year now (not long i know) but the time i’ve had with her have been the most ive treasured my whole life…i have never cared about anyone like i care about her, and this scares me. i just foiund out that she called the guy and that theyre gonna go out tomrw… and her parents apparently approved of him. and im really scared now. im scared of how she’s gonna handle our friendship… whether she’ll have time for me… and im scared of getting hurt. i dont want to be the 2nd best. i want to be the 1st best… this is depressing.. im hoping she doesnt make me the second. it sucks enouh that i had to move to alberta and not see her until christmas or summer. thanks for the help. im really grateful.
Comment by bum — 8/17/2006 @ 6:54 pm
why does she call to tell me sorry,, i don;t want you to be mad at me, but my friend( meaning her boyfriend ) is going to pick her up now. and that she is just “sorry” you know how shitty it makes me feel. she knows what she is going. and that i am hurt. but she continues to do the same. why am i so stupid . and i sit around wanting a mircle to happen and that she will suddenly call me and ask me to hang out. spend some time with me without her boyfriend being there. why am I suddenly the 3rd person? its not fair. and i don;t want pity hang out either. becuase she feels badd that i am sadd. watever happened to her WANTing to hang out with me. WANTING TO talk to me, not just when she wants something. or when she is having problems with her boyfriend. who is freaking there for me. i KNOW i will always be there for her. i just want her to be here for me. and just you know. wake the hell up. cause i won;t be here waiting for her forever…;o( i’m so saddd…right now. i cry myself to sleep everynight.
Comment by i am not a backup — 8/20/2006 @ 10:27 pm
I am in in the other postion. My Bf’s best freind who is a female, bi, is being very difficult. I have never met her but have spoken to her online where it didn’t turn out the best due to her jealousy, she now refuses to met me. She is continually texting him telling him he has changed. She is making arrangements with him and not including me. The recent one is a party which she won’t let him take me to. I feel i am caught in between as if she does give in and let me go i run the risk of spending a horrible night with her riddiculling me in front of their old freinds and if i don’t go it will give the “i told you so” angle. I have told him that he should go and spend time with her.
Comment by jane — 9/6/2006 @ 10:19 am
This is exactly what I am going through. My best friend keeps ditching me to be with her boyfriend and I am getting so sick of it. Even though it sounds horrible, part of me wishes that he would just dump her already so she will actually need me and be my friend again. I talked to her about it and she said that she feels horrible about ditching me but she wants to spend all her time with him because he makes her feel wonderful. She promised to stop blowing me off but yet again she refuses to answer my IMs and said she was too busy to hang out this weekend and now I just found out she is at HIS house…when will this end? It hurts so much :(
Comment by Chloe — 10/1/2006 @ 10:53 am
The past two months i have been racking brain thinking that i was the only one going through lossing my bestfriend…but seems everyone is in the same boat as me. My bestfriend has ditched me (so it feels, whether im overreacting i don’t know? but i feels that way) we’ve been the best of buds for 6 yrs from high school to work to uni-we have been through absoloutly everything together-even our first experience to Europe where we jsut got back 2 months ago-to the point where we talk once every 2 wks and not seeing each other anymore. The guy she is with has been around for the past 2 yrs, but its only since we’ve been back from overseas that it became official with them. I understand that friendships change and you become ‘2nd best’ in ur bestfriends life, bcoz the bf comes first, that not all her time is going to be with me, on the phone, going out every wkend clubbin, to the beach, emailing, txting each other…I UNDERSTAND…but i don’t understand why everything has to stop 100%. We do nothing of the above anymore, its always about her and her boyfriend, or her and her uni work, or her and her family or her and her boyfriends friends…she shows it clearly that we don’t rate anymore esp. me after spending 6 yrs of sister like relationship with her. It makes me sad, to the point where i get angry and i cry and to think, how could she do this to me…just ditch me. Like others have said on their comments, they feel like an absoloute burden when they call their ‘bestfriend’…i feel the exact same way-let alone she doesnt call me anymore, but has time to give the other girls a call…Im not a needy person, im very independent person and she knows this, but ditching someone esp. your bestfriend i think, is one of the most hurtful things to happen to u. I feel that i don’t know where i stand with our friendship, do i let it go completly or do i just take it as it is and deal with it, feel used, hurt and upset and eventually get used to it?…there is no chance, well its no option for me, to tell her how i really feel, cause she will pounce on me, tell me that i have to deal with it-things change and she has a bf now and its nothing personal. I can’t wait for the day that he drops her or they have their first fight-and she comes runnin’ to me…because at the moment, if i hear anything or see her, i get so angry that i have to walk away so i don’t have to see her face.
Comment by nik — 10/16/2006 @ 6:42 pm
i seriously feel ditched.. that shithole .. and he’s a guyfriend!
Comment by Bri — 10/18/2006 @ 4:07 pm
Reading some of these posts made me feel a little better because i’ve been in very similar situations.
Me and my best friend have been together since the start of high school. I remember meeting her during the first few days of school and since then we have been inseperable. We’ve never had a major arguement and we’ve never had to deal with issues like what if one of us gets a bf? I’d think about it but it never worried me. I’ve noticed that as we’ve got older we’ve been through ups and downs and it tests the friendship. At the end of the day you see if you can both get through it and still remain besties.
I’ve had a lot of trouble dealing with the fact that she has a bf. Both of us have never been in a serious relationship or had a significant other. It was just the two of us for 5 yrs. I’m the type of person who does get very attached to people…and i got attached to her…so it’s heartbreaking when i find out she’s with him instead of me. I have to admit i’m a bit jealous but i’m also sad because i want it to be just like the way it was. Even though she doesn’t talk so much about her relationship with her bf in front of me still it hurts to think i’m not her “number 1” anymore. I always see her txting him..spending time with him and it’s hard for me to deal with it, especially being the single one. Things are not the same anymore. She doesn’t treat me much differently and maybe i’m asking for too much but still these last few months haven’t been easy.
I’d just like to say that for all those people who feel hurt, ditched or sad don’t worry. A lot of people are in ur position. If the friendship is meant to last then it will. I’m one of those people who hates change and i know it’s hard when things get different between you and ur best friend. Give it time and see what happens.
Comment by Jenna — 10/19/2006 @ 5:15 am
It has been almost a year since my best friend revealed to me that she had been seeing someone and had not told me. I can still remember just how hurt I was by it all, not so much the fact that she was dating someone, but the sheer fact that she kept it from me. That hurt the most.
Sure I was jealous, because it had been she and I for almost 7yrs, we did everything together. We talked daily, texted each other almost hourly and talked to each other each and every night online…this was a constant…something I grew to rely on. But that all changed in a matter of months, she just seemed to forget about me. Nothing or no one else seemed to matter other than him and that hurt. That hurt like hell.
I tried to convey my feelings to her but it only made her mad. She would get mad at me and not talk to me for weeks, months at a time.
In April of this year, we had a major blow up. Things were said by both of us, hurtful things. Things came out that were being held back. She told me that I was trying to “ruin her happiness” and that I would never get over the fact that she found someone to love. That strung…because for one…I really didn’t think it was true. She never gave me an opportunity to get use to the situation, to get use to the fact that I was not 2nd in her life. She made a lot of assumptions and so did I.
For a long time I was extremely hurt by her and angry with her. But then I started to miss what we once had. I started to miss her. This friendship meant and means a lot to me and I wanted it back. I tried to contact her a few months after our big fight, but my emails, phone calls went unanswered. I even resorted to emailing her bf…in which i did get a response from him. One that told me just how angry she was with me still.
Even after hearing that I still wanted to make amends, to try to salvage a friendship that meant so much to me at least. And finally after 6 months, I finally got a response.
Things are not as they were…I don’t think they will ever be again, but at least we are talking somewhat. I still feel like I have been put on the back burner, forgotten. But I’ve decided that even though I’m not as important to her as I use to be…at least we are talking again and I hope on the road to healing and rebuilding. Every now and then I feel bad, even angry sometimes and when I do, I just pull up this article and read it and the responses and know this isn’t something that I’m going thru alone, there are many others out there in the same situation.
I am trying to have patience with this situation, only because she is my best friend and I care a lot for her and her happiness.
Comment by Calj — 10/19/2006 @ 7:29 pm
I have had this happen to me at least 3 times in my life. Lets face it, some people are only close to you because you fill a void in their life that you might not know is there. I had one best friend that kept disappearing everytime she got a boyfriend. It was never the right guy so she kept in touch with me. But not too long ago, she started dating her male best friend, started talking about marriage plans. I was happy for her. I broke up with my boyfriend during the holidays and she tried for all of five minutes to cheer me up. I was also really sick during that time, but still I went to a Christmas Party with her. I really didnt have a good time because I was sick and heartbroken and she had the nerve to get mad at me because I made HER look bad. I never heard from her again. She is happy now because she has her job, house and boyfriend. I realize she only needed me when she was sad. Needless to say, I do not call her anymore.
Comment by Thats the way it s — 11/3/2006 @ 2:03 pm
my friend is currently doin this to me it really sucks i feel so abandoned i dont know waht to say, i dont think im jealous of her crush or anything. its just that we dont call anymore, and when online she always says “be right back” and then goes to chat with “him”. it really sucks. i dont know y she would do this.. i really feel as if ill always for second best to her. but we’re friends she cant just ditch me like this. makes me so sad :-/
Comment by sadly true — 11/11/2006 @ 1:44 am
This article was right on time!
Comment by JD — 11/20/2006 @ 10:25 am
Yeah, this is happening to me right now except that I’m a guy. My best friend for 7 years has a european girl because he has loads of cash and can pay for her to come visit. She stays with him his huge house. No more phone calls to hang out.. I am hoping he will get sick of her. She cannot crack jokes like I can. I am not calling; I’m gonna wait to get a phone call from him begging me for some friendship. If that never happens then f– it. I am not going to beg, if he is happy without me his loss. Good luck to everyone, and when you find that someone special don’t forget about your friends.
Comment by Joey — 12/1/2006 @ 12:51 pm
well in my case its a little diffrent see yes ill always be there for her i knowe she doent mean to ditch me for other guys and all but im in love with her soo that advice dosent count towards me <_> i hate having friends
Comment by Twitch — 12/4/2006 @ 5:13 am
ya… i guess this helps.. but right now i am SO hurt that i dont even want to deal with this friendship anymore. any advice on that? she IS flaky and i DONT and NEVER will understand why. how does having a boyfriend make it okay for someone to blow you off all the time? i dont get it. it just feels like she has slapped me in the face every time this happens…. i hope what was said about her coming back to me will end up true. because i need my best friend. she is my partner in crime.
Comment by Courtney — 12/17/2006 @ 7:23 pm
On the bright side, I’m kind of happy other people have had the same thing happen to them – not that it’s great having your best friend ditch you for her boyfriend, but I feel now like I’m not the only one…
Here’s my story. Me and my best friend have been best friends for 12 years. 12 whole years. We’re always been so close, laughed so much, spent most weekends at each other’s house, talked on the phone most days…And the times when we had boyfriends, we never neglected each other. Though, they were never serious boyfriends, so they never took much of our time up. Things changed when she met her current boyfriend in August. This guy, became her serious boyfriend, and slowly I noticed that she didn’t call anymore, she didn’t want to hang out anymore. Acouple of months ago when I was at her house, later on in the night, she decided to text him and ask him to come round…which was OK I guess, but not when we were they decided to turn off the lights and snuggle [And very audibly pash] on her beanbag, while I lay on her bed wishing I didn’t have to be there.
Then we went to a concert, and he and his mates were going to be there, but she made it so we didn’t have to hang out with him, he was with his mates, she was with me. After the concert, however, he met up with us, and we were sitting in McDonalds [Not eating anything, because she had to use my money which I was going to use for food to top up her cell phone, which was apparently urgent because she had to ring her Grandad who would be picking us up] I sat there on the chair and they sat together in each other’s arms touching each other’s hands and being affectionate, while I sat there very angry with her. I wished very much that if it was her plan to met with him, that she would have let some of our other friends to go and then I would have someone to talk and laugh with while they be all in love.
And of late, I haven’t seen her, or talked to her on the phone, or even instant messenger, which at the very least we use to always talk to each other on, her status is always busy, with [At rikis] in bracets. It’s like I don’t have a best friend anymore. Amazingly, me and another friend got Jolene to finally come somewhere, the movies -BUT…HE came. I couldn’t believe it. For the first time in agers I finally get her to come on a girls night out and he comes!
The thing that REALLY annoys me, is, he’s cheated on her before, and his excuse was that ‘He was drunk’ She of course, forgave him, and they’re even talking about marriage when she’s 18.
BESTfriend comes before BOYfriend, hence ‘Best’ I’ve been extremely fair to her. I haven’t told her she’s neglecting her friends, I haven’t told her she should spend more time with me. I know she knows she’s neglecting her friends, it said so on her blog, but she said “but laura understands” [me] Great. She can neglect my best friend for 12 years over a guy I met 5 months ago, because I understand?! Yes! I do try to understand, I try to be happy for her, and I try to be there for her, and of course if this whole thing ends, I won’t judge her or tell her she neglected me for a long time, because that’s what best friends do.
I guess the thing is, I find it hard to understand how you do that to your friends. Personally, if I was in a serious relationship with a guy, and I was head over heels – I would still see my friends as much as I always did, call them as much as I did, etc. I don’t see what has to change. You just have to compromise and prioritise is all. Any respectful boyfriend wouldn’t allow his girlfriend to not see her friends. I guess friendship means more to others than some people. But whatever, she’s just boring now.
What’s more not that I remember is that on a friends 16th, she was invited for the night too, and ditched the whole thing to stay with her boyfriend, on her friends birthday! Everybody thought that was low. The thing was actually tons of fun, we laughed so much, and had a real good time. I guess it was good she wasn’t there, she would have been sitting there sappy faced wishing she was with her sweetheart [turned emo, she has]
I sound mean to sound bitter about her, I guess I’m just bitter about the changes, about how she’s changed into this wannabee emo who’s growing up too fast. I think you have the rest of your life for commitment with a guy, why waste your teen years, ditching your friends and being boring? She, also spends every minute at his house it seems. If she’s not at her house, she’s at his, often staying the nights.
It sucks when this happens to friendships.
Comment by Laura — 1/3/2007 @ 4:01 am
Thanks this has helped a whole bunch. My friend just seems way different than what she used to be but I it doesn’t bother me anymore. I want to tell her that he is a bad person (he is my ex-boyfriend) and that he might hurt her, but I’m afraid to. You should post something on that. Thanks again.
Comment by Sam — 2/11/2007 @ 8:48 pm
This is happening to me right now. only i’m the friend thats doing the “ditching”. it’s weird. i know im hurting her feelings but i cant help it. It’s not like me and her never hang out anymore. we do. She is still my best friend and i dont like him more than her, even though i know thats what she thinks. things are just different with him. i tried explaining that to her but she just doesnt understand. which is understandable concidering shes never been in love or had a true boyfriend. i just dont know what to say to her. its not like me and her never hang out. it feels like i have to pick one or the other. things are complicated. she doesnt really like my boyfriend either. only because she hasnt given him a chance. hes a really great guy. i just dont know what to do.
Comment by Megan — 2/17/2007 @ 1:24 pm
WOW. i accidentally put “if your bestfriend told you “i love you” would you get mad?” in the URL bar and this site popped up. And amazingly this is exactly what’s going on in my life right now. My bestfriend ditched me cause her boyfriend whom i hate told her to stop talking to me. and I’ve felt like saying stuff to her and each time i stop myself knowing I might say something I’ll regret. Thanks for the story at least i know I’m not alone.
Comment by this kid — 2/18/2007 @ 2:56 am
My best friend ditched me for a boy and cheats on him with my boy best friend.I have no other friends can you give some advice of where to go and what to do!!!I’m 9 years old with no where to turn for a friend!!!
Comment by Amber — 3/10/2007 @ 7:48 pm
Amber,
There is someone in your class that NEEDS a friend more than you do right now. It’s the person that everyone hates. I know that there is a person right now in your class that everyone thinks is a dork or smelly or just plain weird. Be friends with that person.
Seriously…
I have found the most loyal and interesting friends using this technique. Find the ONE person that everyone hates and try to be their friend. They will be wary of you at first. That’s alright. Just keep proving over and over that you are a good person and they will eventually warm up to you.
Sometimes the best thing to do in situations like yours is spend some time away from the friends who are bothering you and finding new friends. You can return to your old friendships with a far different view of life.
Good luck, Laura Moncur
Comment by Laura Moncur — 3/11/2007 @ 5:08 am
sigh i have a diffrent story…but its sorta simular……. kk i have a question for all you people out there has a close friend of yours go with your ex-boyfriend…. well my close friend did…… man …. well ya …. I hope everyone on this planet doesen’t make the mistake i did…. thx for reading this
Comment by Mika — 3/15/2007 @ 5:00 pm
This article and everyones comments helped me sooo much when I needed it most. My best friend and I signed a lease on an apartment together just before Christmas break. Around the same time, she also fell head over heels in love with a guy I introduced her to through my work; left for Europe (which meant I was living alone for 2 weeks); then, came back … and it was like he was moving in with her when she came back. They were inseperable for weeks – out together, at the apartment that we hadn’t even fully decorated yet together, cooking dinner together … she cancelled on dinner and hanging out with me almost any time we planned anything if he wanted to hang out. It was unbearable for me. She either wasn’t around to be with him, ditched me for him, or was around me all the time with him.
Just before I said some really mean things to her (even thought about moving out), I found this article. I decided to do my own thing…live my own life. I started hanging out with other people. I decided make plans and if she was there with me, fine. If not, fine. I didn’t plan anything with just her because I knew she would probably bail out on me for him. So I always had a back up person or plan involved if I invited her to do something, so I wouldn’t be dependent on her. I complained to her about things that I absolutely had to (i.e. them waking me up at 4 am when he left our apartment for work, how uncomfortable it was to have a third roommate all the time and me needing alone time in the apartment at least once a week, them having loud conversations at 1 am in the morning … that sort of thing).
This went on for about 3 months. When they started having misunderstandings and got frustrated with each other, I was the one she wanted to talk to. I was sure to be there in the moments I absolutely needed to, but I, again, refused to completely rework and sacrifice plans I’d made for her. So I was there when she needed me and then went on about my business and things as planned.
Things are much better now than they were before. For some reason, the two of them are almost never at the apartment together now. In fact, she’s been around a lot more and has openly apologized for being so insensitive. I still go out with the new friends I made and do the fun things I discovered that I could do single and without a best friend. We’ve been doing more things things together and are talking a lot more … there’s A LOT less tension in the apartment (probably because he’s not there all the time).
So, I guess, things are fine for now. We’ll see what happens next… . In the meantime, I’m living it up and enjoying life when she’s there and when she’s not.
I’m REALLY glad I found this article. I think it saved me from saying really hurtful things to her (even though I felt like and sometimes still feel like she deserved it). But I’m more independent now and learned more about myself and what I want and don’t want out of a relationship (platonic or romantic) from my experience with this.
so…thanks Laura.
Comment by Maria in SC — 3/22/2007 @ 4:33 pm
i was here a over month ago and i said, “WOW. i accidentally put “if your bestfriend told you “i love you” would you get mad?” in the URL bar and this site popped up. And amazingly this is exactly what’s going on in my life right now. My bestfriend ditched me cause her boyfriend whom i hate told her to stop talking to me. and I’ve felt like saying stuff to her and each time i stop myself knowing I might say something I’ll regret. Thanks for the story at least i know I’m not alone.” but now i found out there was a different reason. my bestfriend thinks IM in love with her which im not. and now im glad i never talked to her or her boyfriend. lesson learned, sometimes you can never tell who the bad guy is.
Comment by this kid — 3/27/2007 @ 7:45 am
I’ve tried and tried and tried again to follow the advice of this article but it’s just so damned hard.
My best friend and her boyfriend have been together about 9 months now and they’re more in love and comfortable now than they have ever been. Which is great. But I’m always just waiting around for the rare occasions that she still calls on me. She relies on her boyfriend for everything. She confides in him now, never in me. I know she doesn’t really need me anymore but the truth is I still need her. Friendships are two way streets and I’m sorry, but you shouldn’t ever ditch your friends. Ever. Especially not for friends who have been there longer than any boyfriend ever has. I’m trying to understand how her life has changed but I am so, so, so hurt over all this ditching. I feel like every day I slip further and further down her list of priorities. Why should I wait for her? Because that’s what friends do? Would she do the same for me? Would she cry alone at night because she wished she was still important to me? I’m not so sure anymore. It’s so hard not to be angry and hurt. I miss her so much. I’m going through tough times right now but she’s not there anymore to listen to me. Even when we do see each other, I never get to ask her for advice or comfort because she’s too busy talking about her boyfriend. I don’t care if he got his car serviced. I don’t care if work made him stay an hour late last night. I don’t care if he bought new shoes. I care about how HER day was. And I want to be able to share MY life with her too, like we used to. I just miss her so much. My heart is in two. I can never say anything. I have other friends and I do try to rely on them more instead, to take more enjoyment from those friendships, but the truth is it’s not the same. She has always been number 1, and she’s so much more special to me than anyone I’ve ever known. I don’t know how I’m supposed to let her go. I feel so wretched and alone. I just don’t know what to do.
Comment by Ashley — 4/2/2007 @ 6:54 pm
Ashley,
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this problem. I remember all too vividly the first time I lost a friend to a boyfriend.
One thing that I didn’t mention in the entry is that there are actually TWO saving graces when you’re in this situation. One of them is other friends. Finding a brand new friend is also helpful. There is probably a really unpopular girl out there who REALLY needs a friend right now. You’d be surprised how comforting it is to befriend this kind of person. They become your fan for noticing that they had something to offer. Next time you’re feeling alone, look for the one girl no one likes and make her your friend.
The other saving grace, the one I didn’t mention, is personal obsessions. Whether it’s art, computer programming, sports, writing or whatever, having a personal obsession can be a godsend to distract you from this situation. It can actually heal you. For me, it was writing that I turned to. I would be so embarrassed if you read my journals from the times when I was dumped by a friend, but frankly, writing those feelings down (and any revenge fantasies I had) was very healing. The same therapeutic effects can be had from sports, computer coding, or the arts. If you don’t know what you’re obsession is, start trying a bunch of different things until you find one that clicks.
Good luck, Ashley. I’m sending good karma your way.
Laura Moncur
Comment by Laura Moncur — 4/3/2007 @ 6:16 am
i got my best friend and my other good friend together. now they have completely chosen to forget about me and i am so hurt. i never get a call from her. but i am weak and i call. i never get an instant message, even though she has a sidekick and is always online. yet i insist on leaving her a message as well. she doesnt always answer me and when she does she talks to me for 3 minutes max. it isnt that she is always with her boyfriend. she also hangs out with all her other friends, whom havnt been there for her when she needs them like i have, and doesnt invite me either. it is the least she can do. i truely am hurt. i dont know what to do. i cry almost every day. i read her away messages and i get super jealous of everyone she is with because she mentions the people she is with and what she is doing on her away messages without even asking if i would like to join. i see that and it kills me inside. im bleeding on the inside and crying on the out. she only notices when i tell her straight forward, but that doesnt seem to make much of an effect because the day ends and it goes back to the same thing. i have lost a couple of acquaintances for this one friendship because it means so much to me, but i get hurt more and more each day. please give me advice on what to do. I DONT THINK I HAVE BEEN REPLACED FOREVER, BUT I KNOW I HAVE BEEN REPLACED TEMPORARILY FOR THE TIME THEY STAY TOGETHER. i wish them the best of luck, but i would also like to see her every once ina blue moon.
Comment by PACKY — 4/5/2007 @ 11:06 am
I compleatly understand all of this, my best friend has been doing this for almost 6 months now. She’s had tons of boyfriends before but she always wanted me there before, and then she met her current boyfriend, now i see her only at school. she’s stoped picking me up for school, i lost my job and he got it. It’s been super hard, actually as i’m writing this, me and her were suposse to go to the mall to buy things for prom, just the two of us, and now her boyfriend is calling. NOTHING like buying a bra with her boyfriend right there…It’s hard for me more than some people because she’s my only friend and we’ve been best friends since we met. Sometimes i wish she would get tired of him or at least not talk about their inside jokes with me, because that use to be me…but i know she loves him and i hope they are happy for as long as they are together, i just wish sometimes she understood what she does to me and how she makes me feel.
Comment by Carmen — 4/13/2007 @ 3:13 pm
well this happened to me like last month. but my friends boyfriend is a guy i used to like that she wentout with anyway so it makes it so much harder. & like when i wanted to like stop being friends she was like OH NO and now its like she doesnt hang out iwth me. its like once she had me as a friend she left it at that but doesnt make any further effort . i just dont know what to do. i kinda wanna stop being friends with her, any advice?
Comment by AlLyKaT — 4/14/2007 @ 6:10 am
this article is so in tune with my confusing feelings when a girl friend suddenly discovers boys, and i become a third wheel. it has put my complex feelings into words and has helped me in a way.
thank you. :)
Comment by tea — 4/22/2007 @ 4:21 am
I would never put up with that crap. Anyone that brushes me off like that is going to get the cold shoulder… it’s all about reciprocation :) No matter how hot the guy, there is absolutely no reason to be so rude as to flake out on a best friend. She was there before the boyfriend and she’ll be there after. But if you alienate everyone that cares about you just to spend time with a guy… don’t be surprised that no one will be left to help you pick up the pieces when he’s GONE!
Comment by Krystal — 4/22/2007 @ 8:45 pm
I wrote before about my best friend, and writing helped me get through that little time, but recently we had Prom. I asked my friend if she could give me a ride, because i didn’t have one. She said it would be totally fine and i was like ok..are you sure you don’t mind, are you sure you and your boyfriend like don’t want a romantic dinner without me..she reassured me over and over again that it was ok. Then the day before prom she tells me that she can’t take me to prom or dinner because her boyfriends parents set up this dinner for them. Well i was upset because it was the day before prom but his parents did it without asking so i was ok with that. But then she got to prom earlier than she should have been. Like around the time dinner was starting. And she asked me how my salad was and i asked her what she was doing at prom so early and she told me her and her boyfriend had already ate dinner. Then i asked where they went and she told me Red Robins…so i asked why i couldn’t go because it didn’t sound very romantic and she just looked at me and was like “cause” and did this sort of shifty eye thing she does when she’s lieing. So that really hurt me that my best friend stood there and lied to my face about dinner. But i let it go, i was going to have whether it was with her or not so i did, i had a blast. And then she came over to me and told me she was leaving early. and then she left. So now she’s talking about how much prom sucked and i can’t help but think she got what she deserved by not having fun. But the big thing is today i get to school and i see her in the hallway walking with her boyfriend and she gives me the meanest look i’ve ever seen from her. and i just like ignore it and keep walking to my class but then in Choir she compleatly ignored me and was being pretty much a totally bitch to me. And she always walks me to my class after choir and then she goes to lunch, and she walked as fast as she could to get ahead of me so she wouldn’t have to walk me. I’m so confused, i haven’t done anything to her to make her angry at me. And she never did this before, she started being a total bitch to me when she started dating her boyfriend, and i want to tell her, and i’ve tried but she just says i don’t understand and that i’m mean. But it’s her whose being mean. I just don’t know what to do, i’m tried of being treated so bad by my best friend.
Comment by Carmen — 4/25/2007 @ 9:56 am
Carmen,
I’m sorry things have gotten so bad with your friend. It sounds like she’s jealous that you had fun at the prom and she didn’t. The only way I’ve ever known how to deal with it is to give her space and let her come to you. Enjoy your other friends for now until she’s over whatever it is that’s bugging her.
What about everybody else? Is there anything else Carmen could do?
Laura
Comment by Laura Moncur — 4/25/2007 @ 12:26 pm
Hi Carmen,
I think you and your friend need to make some “friend” time for each other.
How about you be the proactive person and invite her out for lunch or dinner. Just the two of you to catch up for some girl time.
Perhaps you could let her know (at lunch or dinner) that you have been missing the times you used to have together, and that you treasure her friendship and that her friendship to you is special and important to you.
Forget about what has happened and how you think she has been treating you, and move on posivtively not dwelling on the past. If you start accusing her of not being here or you said this or that – she may feel like you are attacking her and will become defensive . Remember that she can not read your mind so let her know that you miss her and even to the point of apologising to her for getting angry with her.
If you friendship is important to her then you will soon know where you stand as a friend.
I hope it all works out for you ;-)
Comment by Beyonce_fan — 4/25/2007 @ 5:07 pm
Well, First off Thanks. This Helped. I know It is gonna be so hard not to throw it in her face when they break up, but I will try. But I know if we were true best friends she will come back. I feel replaced by not only her new Bf but she has become a lot better friends with our friends that have boyfriends also, and they go on double dates together, I am always the one left out b/c I am the only single one. Its just very upsetting at times. =( But to everybody with this same problem, which seems to be like a bunch of people. Good Luck To you guys. =D
Comment by me — 6/2/2007 @ 5:41 pm
^ like everyone else, im going through the same thing right now too…and it really does suck because she is pretty much the only person im really close too in my college class..and now that she has a bf, it’s like i don’t exist. I’m a shy person so going up to meet new people is hard for me..but i also don’t like being the third wheel when we go out to eat =/. Anyways, i just wanted to say thanks as well because this really helped me.. =)
Comment by Jazmin — 6/5/2007 @ 12:31 am
I appreciate all the support from Laura in this article for us girls who put friends before guys. I am in a similar situation to these girls who have posted above. However, there is one additional twist to the situation with my friend. Whenever I’ve had a guy I make sure to make time for her, as she is an important part of my life, and lets face it: a girlfriend can be the kind of friend to me as a woman that no guy could ever be. However, although Ive ALWAYS made sure to not leave her out whilst simultaneously making time for my relationships, she always got mad at me for having someone if she didnt. Now that the shoe is on the other foot, its “no big deal” if we dont talk for months at a time. Pretty darn convenient for there to start being a double standard at this point, don’t you think? So yes, I agree with all the points made by Laura and the abovementioned other posters… but I don’t plan on holding my breath. I plan on living my life with my other friendships intact, whether she tries to come back into my life or not. Again Laura, thank you for this article.
Comment by Jenna — 6/16/2007 @ 4:35 pm
Wow, I really cannot agree with your article. You are setting yourself up to be used and abused by a so called “friend”. Real friends don’t ditch you for a girl or a guy, they manage their time. True friends hang out with you and their new love, not straight up ditch you to hang out with them. The truth is you HAVE been replaced by this other person and if and when it all comes crashing down they will rush back to you because you are 2nd best.
These people are not your friends, they are flat out using you for entertainment or support until they find someone better. I may sound like a bitter person, but that’s because this has happened to me quite a few times with people I felt were good friends. You know what I found out? Real friends stick by you and don’t ditch you for some action or “love”. They find a way to incorporate you into their new relationship, not toss you to the side.
If this has happened to you, you really need to reevaluate you relationship with this so called friend. There is no excuse for ditching, not following through plans, and generally making your “friends” feel like dirt.
Comment by Ignored — 6/17/2007 @ 10:43 pm
thank you sooo much for this advice i go through this all the time with my best friend … except i do what you exactly said not to ! but from now on im taking your advice and doing whats right , its time for me to mature . thank you , – j .
Comment by JayLw — 6/28/2007 @ 8:02 pm
Thank you so much for this article. I’ve worked with my good friend for almost 2 years and we’ve always done stuff together until a new guy at work came along. Since he was the same age as us, we invited him along to stuff we did and he eventually became part of our group. About a month ago, my friend told me she had started seeing the new guy and was worried that it might be complicated because we all work together. I was genuinely happy for both of them and totally encouraged her to continue with the relationship. While I understand that they need room what I didn’t expect was to be cut out of our friendship completely. I’ve felt at times hurt and angry over the past month and feel prevented from asking them to do stuff because they’re always together. Even when I talk to either one of them casually at work, the other one always shows up almost like they’re jealous or something. They’ve both lied to me on more than one occasion so they can be together and it feels more and more like I’m just the person in the way. While I want to believe that this will eventually work itself out, I don’t have much faith at the moment and wonder if we were really friends at all or whether I was just being used. In the meantime, I’ve taken some of the advice here and just been spending time with my other friends.
Comment by amy — 6/29/2007 @ 9:27 pm
My best friend has definitely been writing me off for months now. I’ve talked to him about it, and he’s made legitimate efforts to rectify our bond, yet, it doesn’t feel the same anymore. He still blows me off for his girlfriend and when we are spending time together, it seems like he’s always on the phone with her, or counting the minutes before he can get back to her. I’ve always thought that eventually they’d break up and he’d come back to me, but his relationship keeps getting stronger. I’ve been constantly wondering whether it’s possible to be best friends with someone in a relationship. Knowing you’re always going to be pushed to the side and given low priority. I was about to give up until I read this article. Many other websites on this subject basically read “Relationships come first. If u can’t deal with it, don’t be friends.” So it’s refreshing to finally read an article like this one. Thanks so much.
Comment by Paige — 7/4/2007 @ 2:07 pm
i have a bestfriend we get along al d tym but since i introduce her to dis boi everythin has change but i reali miss her we aint talked in 4 days nw anyone dat reads dis send bk kk n i hope you wont make d same mistake n dnt look at wats on d outside get 2 knw dem 1st n dnt make mistakes fankz tall
Comment by toyo — 7/5/2007 @ 8:01 am
yea my friend did this for the last month and i am just about o like blow on her
Comment by anonymous — 8/1/2007 @ 12:41 pm
I don’t think this advice helps because I am having this problem right now! I am starting to hate my friend not even dislike her because she has had this obsessive boyfriend for almost a year now and she doesn’t even call anymore. There are so many things that she did that hurt me like ditching me on my 21st birthday to go to his random party then bringing him over to my party that was invitation only and taking two cupcakes to her room, one for her, one for him. This summer, she has completely ignored me every time I call she is either working, going to see him, or with him. I saw her once this summer and the other times I planned on seeing her, she cancelled because she was ‘sick’ but I know that she couldn’t stand being away from him for a few hours. I have to live with her in the fall so I will be decent to her but after that I am writing her out of my life like she so easily did to me!
Comment by Krista — 8/7/2007 @ 12:30 pm
this is so true! its happening right now. my best friend just got a new boyfriend and now i hardly ever talk to her. i feel so left out and like i dont even matter to her anymore. just a few days before he asked her out, she told me that i was her best friend and that she never wants me to forget that.. but now it seems like she has forgotten it. no matter what happens though, ill always be here for her, thats what friends are for.
Comment by Emily — 8/18/2007 @ 12:49 am
Hi everyone. I am now going through the same thing that all of you have experienced. My best friend has had many ups and downs with this guy, and now they are always completely all over each other in our apartment. Also, when we have girl time, all she does is talk about him. I’m single, and I long to be cuddled and caressed like her boyfriend does with her. I HATE being jealous, especially since she is my best friend. She has been through so much to be with this guy, and I should be completely happy for her. Yet, I can’t help resenting feeling like the third wheel in my own apartment. How do I deal with that? I’m feeling pretty bummed.
Comment by confused — 8/21/2007 @ 3:44 pm
thank you so much for this column i really needed this everything you said is happening to me!!!! this really helped
Comment by Meghan — 8/29/2007 @ 4:59 pm
i cant beleive ive got an answer to my question…its being done to me and i hate it! in our last year of school we were soo close, havin a laugh, we’de do everything together! but then she got this boyfriend! i dont hear from her from week to week i have to txt her to remind her i still exist! i ask her wot shes doing in the week and she says im seeing my boyfriend! but wot if they break up she’ll soon know where i am then! it jus really ennoys me. im not jelous at all, hes not all that lol but i fink i have been replaced! but ill just wait coz after all she’s my best mate for life! thanks!
Comment by Callie — 8/30/2007 @ 5:15 pm
wow.my bff has a new bf and shes so in love with him…she only has bad things to say to me now.like omg why r u flirting with my bf?!? and i dont we cant even hang out eney more it hurt alot…i asked him out for her and now she =( idk…we used to be the best freinds that ever walked the earth but now(nothing)…its like she hates my..she asked me for all her stuff she gave me back and i gave her it and she just walked away….now im sitting here writing while her bf and her have fun at her house like me and her used to do….getting it all out makes me feel so much better but it still hurts so much so so much
Comment by ellie — 9/5/2007 @ 5:18 pm
Me and my best friend are currently going threw the same problem. Its no surprise to me though because it happens all the time. Recently I took advise from this article and expressed to my friend how I felt about the situation. At first it was better at least one day out of the week was a girls only day, but then that went from girls only to we would be at the same place together but her ear is glued to the phone with her guy or if we are watching a movie shes texting him the whole time. It getting to the point where I dont even try anymore. Dont get me wrong her boyfriend is a good guy, but he could learn how to share its driving me crazy.its like I cant even hold a conversation with her because hes always there..I have my own boyfriend and before she got one I made sure time was balanced for this reason and he completely understood..I dont know what to do…….
Comment by Nisha — 9/14/2007 @ 6:25 pm
I’ve been going through this for about 11 months now. Let me tell you, it only gets worse as time goes on. My best friend spends ALL of her time with her boyfriend. They never want to go out in a group at all. It’s always okay if his best friend is there…but I’m always invited once they’re allready together. It really hurts. You see, she lives out of town, and every weekend (were in high school so we cant hangout during the week) she would come down and stay at my house. Now…well I havent seen her in about 3 weeks. And that was when i slept over at her house…she spent that whole day with the boyfriend too. It’s just so weird because we still talk during the school week, but then when the weekend comes I dont see her. I just feel so unimportant, since she was the first real “best” friend I’ve ever had. Im single, and its kind of hard. I have many other friends, and I’ve gained even more in her absence, but I still hate not having that wing girl, that best friend who I could just do anything with. I think i hate it the most because I introduced them. I met this guys best friend at a party…and then we exchanged numbers and began hanging out. Then i met her current boyfriend and a different party, and when i realized he was friends with this guy i had met, i ran over to my friend to inform her then i introduced them. Yeppp. I mean, I’m happy for her, I really am. I just wish she’d make time for me too. I really should talk to her, but I dont want things to get awkward or start drama. Ahh who knows. Can anyone help me?
Comment by Katie — 10/10/2007 @ 6:15 pm
i had this done to me recently.. this is what happend:
1) my “best friend” goes out with this guy tht we both know ….shez liked him for a while 2) she shared a locker with me b4 they started going out.. 3) she moves out of my locker.. and goes to his 4) she dissed my taste… and starts saying like things her bf wud say to me.. 5) i finally tell her tht like i feel like she ditched me.. and her answer waas ” yer over exagerating” 6) we were supposed to do a dance preformance for our school and she promiced tht she wud be in my dance no matter what.. and weve been talking bout this since last year.. and she suddenly changes her plans and joins her bf’s crew dance. 7)her and i then get in a fight..bout. sumthing i said.. and we both know tht heer bf is only going out with her cus like she is pretty and crap.. like stupid stuff.. and i kinduv sliped it out.. w.o meaning it.. 8) she called me desperate..and told me tht i am desperate for friends.. and no one like sme and stuff like tht.. at tht point i wus just like WOW. 9) i finally just gave up.. and said sorry.. idk why i said sorry….. i just dint want to make us fight.. 10) she forggives me for sumthing i dint do.. she said it wus wrong of me to accuse her of saying tht she ditched me..
now.. we are alright.. i only have one class with her.. and when ever i call her for like hanging out she never cann.. cus she has alot of hw.. or it seems like she just like makes excuses..
so idk what to do.. i am just gnna like let it go..and pretend nothing is happneing.. and if she feels like talking to me.. or haning out then we can hang out.. but if she doesnt i guess we can just be aquaintences. <–cnat spell.
Comment by Aditi — 10/17/2007 @ 10:47 pm
Hey, Well it has helpd me alot but im still so anoyed with my best mate. We have been friends nearly 8years now and have always been so close. She has been with her boyfriend now for about 5months and she doesnt seem to make any effort to see her friends and its so fustrating that she has to stay at his evry weekend and cant see her friends! I just miss the good old days when we were all together and always having a laugh thankz Candy
Comment by Candy — 10/30/2007 @ 7:52 am
My situation is somewhat the same but a little bit different. My best friend and I do not talk as much as we use to now that she has this “thing” she wants to call a boyfriend but that is ok I don’t like to talk on the phone that much anyways. He is the first guy that she got serious with since her husband died. It wasn’t even a year after her husband died that she moved in with the “thing”. Granted he is kind to her, but that is it. He has no job because she told him to quit because he was unhappy he worked at Kroger’s for God sake how unhappy could he really be. No one is truly happy at there job but we make sacrifices for the sake of the family. She recently had a heart attack at 31 and he did not even come to the hospital, because he said he is scared of hospitals and didn’t have any gas money. I went to her house just to visit and she asked me to take her to the store where she could get her blood pressure checked and while we were there she was up set I asked her what was wrong and she said she told the “thing” her and the kids were hungry and he said sorry babe we don’t have any money, so I about them groceries that evening. The next week she asked me to borrow some money so she can get to work, but he wouldn’t ask any of his family and friend for anything he leave it up to her to lower herself to have to borrow money everyone else. Unfortunately I am not one to hold my tongue and she knows that about me so I told her exactly what I thought and she understood, but now we don’t really speak at all because I went off on him and called him a “Punk Bitch” and told him he was trash. We are not as close, but at least I feel better and she knows where I am when she needs me and I will be there for her, but I can’t stand by and watch this train wreck and watch her make the same mistake just with a different guy. Oh FYI she also broke the law of best friends when she told him my personal secrets because he made her promise him she would tell him everything we talk about. So I don’t trust her as much anymore. Thanks Schelitia
Comment by Schelitia — 12/7/2007 @ 4:55 pm
Thank you sooo much because I’m in one of these situations where my best friend is crazy about her crush but she doesn’t seem to trust talking to me about it, and instead hangs out with this other girl. kk thank youuuu so much~ I think the second-to-last paragraph is the hardest part to face in this situation ^^ Thank you!!!!! =]
Comment by Jenny (lemon — 12/8/2007 @ 9:29 am
This site does help in the sense that I haven’t thought about my own problems in the past hour or so that it has taken me to read through everyone else’s oh so similar tales of best friend betrayal.
One other thing I always seem to hear when I bring up missing my best friend is that boyfriends require quality time and alone time. Well guess what…so do best friendships that were built on those same foundations. People expect that friends will always be around to fill in the gaps between boyfriends or times when boyfriends are busy. Some people just don’t understand that just being the “default” hangout person when nothing better comes along does not make a friendship.
Another response I always get, since my best friend and I have been roommates for 7 years…”Well I see you all the time, we live together.” Well great, yes I may “see” you all the time, but seeing you while you’re busy with the internet, or the phone, or whatever else is not actually the type of time spent that it takes to keep a best friendship alive and strong. You wouldn’t do it to your boyfriend, why do you do it to your best friend?
I heard a new one from her today, about a guy she just decided to start dating…today. “You have to realize that we, as in he and I, don’t mind if the three of us hang out.” Well, first of all, when did I become the third party in our friendship. Secondly, just as he will require plenty of his own alone time with you, I would like my fair share as well. And that means you not texting, IM’ing, or calling him while we are spending time together, because you certainly wouldn’t take time out of your quality time with him to do those things with me.
Not only do I have these issues with her new guy – he is also in his 40’s with two basically grown children and she is 27 with no children. She wants kids, and he has mentioned that he wants more too. Not only do I find this creepy, but how are his kids going to feel when he starts an entirely new family with someone, let alone dates someone who is only marginally older than his oldest child?
Granted, this is only day 1, but I have seen her in other relationships before, and this one is going to be worse. If only because she lives much closer to this guy, and we both work with him. It can’t get much worse from the “third wheel best friend” perspective.
Good luck to everyone else going through the same thing, its good to know I’m not the only one, and that even as adults we can have these feelings too. I completely feel for each and every one of you.
Comment by Terrified — 12/19/2007 @ 3:01 pm
This has helped me alot but I kind of have a problem. I told her shes a bad friend and ive got in so many fights with her because of him. But after I read this I understood. What do I do? And I have a question. What if everyone see’s this guy is playing her and hes had a VERY bad reputation but she dont believe anyone. Should I do anything? Plzzzz write me at my Email because I am so clueless!
Comment by Jessica — 12/31/2007 @ 10:39 pm
Jessica,
Make sure your friend knows that you still care about her and that you’ll be there when she needs you. The important thing to do right now is not say anything mean about her boyfriend, no matter how much you think he’s playing her. She already knows how you feel, so just keep quiet about it.
Also, focus on finding other friends that you can spend time with. She won’t have much time to be with you right now, so find someone who looks lonely and buddy up with her. If this boy IS as bad as you’re worried he is, your girlfriend will be back and suddenly, she’ll have two friends instead of just one to support her.
Wishing you the best, Laura Moncur
Comment by Laura Moncur — 1/1/2008 @ 9:21 am
wel my best friend has been with me throuh all my rough times but ever science her and her boy friend started dating 11 long months ago it wasnt that bad until she said she was falling for him and i dont know im single and i just want to hang out with my best friend sometines but she is never around and she makes time for her boy friend but never any time for me!!!!!! I just dont know what to do i really likeher boyfriend and her together but its just like when ever the are together its like she dosent want me there andi hate that and when i try to talk to her a bout it she compleatly blows it off and clams that it just cause they never see each other out of school and thats a crock of crap cause they see each other alot on the days we dont go to school o well i could never give her up so im gunna stick it out….
Comment by Deandrea — 1/17/2008 @ 12:19 pm
im so sick of hearing my best friend talk about jon this and jon that…I DONT WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE! i mean GOD enuf is enuf already…..having a conversation with her is so freakin irritating, cuz all she wants to talk about is him…if she wants to talk to me shes gonna have to find something else to talk about. im not jealous or anything, mostly just annoyed and a bit hurt. im seriously about to just stop hangin/talkin to her. why should i have to put up with her ditching me, and feelin hurt…i refuse! why is it always ME who has to always be there and b the perfect friend, no way, im done…im not letting her make me depressed and sad, screw this shit! time to find some new friends……
Comment by Adriana — 1/25/2008 @ 7:34 pm
Kinda hard with best friends that ignore you and or ditches you your article says talk to her about how you feel. what happens that you already did that but she hard headed and wont listen but keep doing what she doing thats wrong he national guard so he leaves at times then she wants to come back to her friends but when he return she ignore her friends and ditches them thats not right either, she won’t go anywhere without her man if we have girl night she will come unless he can go too. if we have a girls party get together she won’t go unless he does. and she gets invited her friends house along with her bf but she refuses to go but she will go other people house not her best friend.. she wont listen
Comment by anne — 1/26/2008 @ 5:16 pm
around december my bestfriend meet this guy i didn’t really care much. But during December is my birthday month. 2 weeks before my b-day my friend went to go hang out with the guy for a while. But that day we got into a fight about something and we stopped talking for awhile. while we where in a fight she didn;t even really care she was busy having fun with this guy and now that we are friends again it bothers me cause i feel like she doesn’t take me seriously. Now she ditches me for this guy like everyday. She makes plans with me but then she would change it without telling me to go see him, Or when we are chilling together she would call the guy to come to the mall, ditch me again. when i’m talking to her on the phone and he calls she would ditch me and say i will call you back but she never does, when i call her tell her i’m coming over to her house again she would ditch me. She told me don’t worry i’m not picking him over you but then again it seems like it. She doesn’t even pick up my calls, and shes even being kinda mean to me now. One of my old best friends i know she doesn’t like her and she gets jealous whenever i keep contact with her i’m starting to talk to her again and she gets mad at me or she feels hurt but now i just don’t care. what pisses me of about her and the whole relationship thing with her and the guy is that they are not even dating he has a wife!!! everytime i see my so called bestfriend i get so angry when i see her and i think i’m on the verge of cuzzing her off, but then i know i should hold my tougue, but i’m just getting mad and more mad each day and i don’t know what to do!!!
Comment by upset and hurt — 2/1/2008 @ 9:18 am
for all of you that says just wait for your friend to come back to you bullshit!!! your like the third wheel in the relationship you don’t even become a 1st priority to her anymore, your either 2nd best, or your not important anymore. When your dealing with problems she’s never there for you, so why should you be there for her, she fails to recognize that your feeling hurt and neglected, as a true friend your suppose to realize that, there is ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE for this person to ditch you absolutely none what so ever, they should make time for you as well. Why shouldn’t you be jealous or hurt you have every right to be, you were there before he came along and now shes just tosses you aside like your a piece of garbage.
Thats what my so called soon to be ex bestfriend is doing to me … whenever i’m with someone i always always make sure i keep contact with her, i always make sure she’s first in my life because she was important to me, but if she can’t find time to make room for me in her life she can take her leave i don’t care no more sick and tired of hearing he did this he said that hes so funny, i just wana give her a good K.O.
Now i can’t relate to her no more, like who does she think she is. You waiting for their relationship to be ruined so that she or he could come back to you makes you look like a freggin fool!!!
Go out make new friends, do the same thing they do to you, then they will know how it feels. if they don’t even care they never where a friend of yours in the first place!!
yes i speak from anger, i am so hurt!!!!
Comment by lynn — 2/1/2008 @ 10:03 am
im sooo glad i found this website because im finding this really hard 2 deal with. My best friend of 14 years got a new boyfriend about 7 months ago but has actually been with him properly for about 4 months because he was still seeing him current girlfriend at first!!!! and ever since she has turned in2 such a bad friend, she never calls me its always me calling her, she never wants 2 spend ime with me anymore its always either him or her friends from work even tho we hav always been like sisters, been on holidays 2gether been through sooo much like when her mum and dad divorced and when my mum got cancer, we never left eachothers sice or never sold 1 another out for anyone, we wer the best of friends.
so when she first met this boy she changed almost instantly, he had a girlfried who he has a baby with, he then cheated on ther with another girl sadie and then cheaed on sadie with my best friend, and my best friend new he was involved and still would meet up with him for dirty little “meeings” in college!!! yeh exactly! wich is sooooooooooooooooooooooo not like her a all!!! she had always said she hated cheating since her mother cheated on her dad and split ther family up, anyways she is with him properly now because according 2 him he has finished with sadie.
now that they hav been 2gether properly she has otally got her priorities wrong and changed in2 such a naive and even slightly mean person, like i said she never wants 2 meet up or even call me anymore, her excuse is she hasn got any credit yet she will find anyway possible 2 phone her loser boyfriend, who i also caught cheating on her about 3 months ago!!
she never tells me anything anymore, one of my oher friends works wih her and said she was crying in work the other day so i phoned her n she askd me how i found out, as if she didn wan me 2 no! i think this is because she nows i don like him because hes obviously a very shady person but also weve fallen owt about him before so i dont think she wanted 2 prove me right about him!!
i cant stand not having he closeness with her anymore because i literally feels like my sister/ best friend has died and it kills me 2 no that she would cry about things and go thru so much and not want 2 talk 2 me about it!! iv only ever wanted her 2 be happy and iv always been her for her so can some 1 please give me some good advice on what 2 say 2 her 2 make her wake up and see how much shes changed because everything i come up with i think will drive her away and thats the last thing i would want in the world??
please help? x x x x
Comment by X Chloe X — 2/18/2008 @ 10:12 am
I really thought I was the only one in the world who feels like they lost their other half, partner in crime, best friend, and most of all, sister. My best friend of 8 years and hopefully beyond, is dating a guy shes planning to marry. She’s been dating him for 2 years. In the beginning, I wasnt jealous, because she balanced everything. We talked about me being a godmother to her children viceversa. Our friendship was deep and strong, yeah we had some ups and downs but who doesnt. Now I feel she is pulling away from me. All she talks about is him. I thought it was chick before dick. She puts him number 1 all the way. How can you put someone you know for a couple years on top, than a person you knew for 8 + years and have been there for you more times than any one in this world. She makes it sound like hes been there for her more times than I’ve been, which isnt true. This is the most complicated thing in my life and I feel it is getting harder. I love her to death but now I’m feeling hatred toward her. Its like one moment I love ya, and then the next is I hate you. I am patient, I keep my mouth shut, I do whatever for her to make her happy and still, she doesnt seem like she cares or even thinks I exist. She is also talking about that if she cant find a job in the state we live in, that she and her boyfriend will move out of the state. Dude what about your family and friends that have been there for you 100 times more than her boyfriend. Who has been there til the start of her life. wtf man, I dont get it. Its like she used her family and her friends for the times she was lonely until she got a boyfriend. Then she shuts everyone out except for him. Why bother having a best friend when they just use you. I dont want to go forward with this friendship if its not going to be worth it. Should I stay or should I let go which will be the hardest thing I ever done in my life. Please give advice. Thankyou for listening to my problems. :(
Comment by no air — 2/22/2008 @ 1:11 am
Im in a similar situation. My bestfriend and I used to hang out a lot and we were both really good at keeping each other updated with things going on in our lives. When she got her boyfriend I approved of him. Now with school schedules we dont get to see each other very often but the few times that we do it is spent talking about her boyfriend. If she is in a bad mood or we disagree about something I bring up her boyfriend and that suddenly makes it all better. It is unfortunate because I am starting to resent him and he is a really nice guy, but I have to hear about him all the time. Its nice to know im not the only one going through this.
Comment by jen — 2/29/2008 @ 1:16 am
This is a really great article. I am in this situation right now but I am the ditcher and my best friend doesnt seem to understand me. I really find this helpful, it represents perfectly how my best friend should react which she is definitaly not. thank you!
Comment by Elo — 3/1/2008 @ 10:23 pm
ok so i googled this article just to read about it and see if other people were going through the same thing i am and im so glad im not alone. my best friend and i met 2 years ago and have been absolutely inseparable for 2 years, like sisters. we did everything together and if we didnt see eachother everyday we would atleast be on the phone, iming eachother, leaving comments on facebook everything just to stay in touch. well she met someone at a party one night and after that it was a total 360 for her. they have been going out for not even 3 weeks now and i feel totally replaced which is so stupid. all they do is fight and EVERYTIME something bad happens even if i havent talked to her at all for that day or even the past couple of days she flips out at me for not listening. but its hard for me whenever i see her shes texting him, on the phone with him, or talking about him and when she calls me when shes with him she tries holding 2 conversations at once and gets mad if she doesnt have my full attention. but im just getting SO sick of it. he doesnt drive because he got his license taken away for a DUI so she carts him around every where granted he takes her to dinner ONCE in a while i just dont get it… 3 weeks and your already ditching your best friend of 2 years for that. i mean hes a nice kid and all but definitely NOT for her. i told my cousin how i was feelig because she has a boyfriend to and she told me i was jealous but im really not im so happy that shes happy im just not happy that she feels like he comes first.. 3 weeks and ur suddenly in love ? 3 weeks and youve already broken up once almost twice ? lets be serious about this. and then she has the nerve to call me when i happened to be with some guy and get mad at me because i told her i had to call her back. its like a one way street with her and its NOT fair. shes really pissing me off and i cant tell her cuz she snaps and thinks im acting like a bitch. i just want my friend back!!!! now i wish that when she asked me if his red hair, freckles, and bad ance made him ugly I SHOULD HAVE SAID YES!!!!!!!! wtffffff
Comment by mi — 3/4/2008 @ 3:37 pm
So what should we all do. Should we wait for our best friends or should we go on with our lives and forget about them. I feel liked I’ve been replaced. It seems to me my best friend dont need me anymore. I’m getting hurt too much and its eating me up. Like yesterday, I was at her house and her boyfriend called up. He wanted to talk to her but she said I was over and he got mad. Dude he is not the boss of her. She could do whatever she wants to do. That ticked me off so bad. Besides, I know her longer than he did. ITs like who is he to tell her that. I’m so fed up. I want to end our friendship but I did too many sacrifices for her. I’m going to the same college with her just to help her out until she graduates. Then I’m going to do my own thing. I dont know. I dont really care anymore. Does anyone know how to fix this? :(
Comment by no air — 3/4/2008 @ 6:35 pm
no air,
This isn’t an either/or situation. It’s an and situation. You should wait for your best friend AND go on with your life. No matter how hard you try, you can’t forget your best friend, so while she is busy with her boyfriend, you find other friends and activities to fill your time.
This is something that happens throughout our lives, so learning how to deal with it now with grace and patience will be a skill that will help you until the end.
Wishing you the best,
Laura Moncur
Comment by Laura Moncur — 3/5/2008 @ 8:28 am
I’m a bit glad that I found this article, because I am grateful to see that I’m not the only one going through this. On the other hand, it didn’t help all that much, because it CAN’T, since my situation is so bizarre. My BF lied to me for two weeks about dating a convicted felon (who has missing teeth, no car, and lived with his mother), and didn’t tell me until I discovered that she’d moved him into her house after TWO weeks of dating. I had actually figured it out before then, because she kept canceling things that we were going to do. Well, and just not showing up, and not bothering to cancel. Then, she decided to come clean, and that we should “have a talk”. I met her at a restaurant, but it just so happens that the new BF was there waiting for us, and his MOTHER works there…and they all ambushed me. I was very uncomfortable, and left shortly afterwards. I hate to lose my best friend, but I just can’t deal with all the lies, cancellations, and, last of all, that ambush. Any advice?
Comment by Boolie — 3/6/2008 @ 12:35 pm
hey! i just had a situation with my friend today. she just got in a new relationship with a guy she met over the weekend. well, since she and her ex had not been together, we’ve been talkin, texting, and IMing all day everyday. so, today i happen to text her to tell her i was crying last night b/c i felt sad, but I am really happy for her and dont want her or our friendship to change. she got upset with me talkin about i havent changed. I guess she is feeling like i’m being selfish, but i’m not. I really care about her and dont want to lose her over this. In the past when she had a boyfriend, they didnt really want her dealing with me too much, and I was just afraid of it happening again. We live states away, and I just came back from visiting her this past weekend. I just dont want her to become angry with me, I was just tellin her how I felt, and she kinda took it the wrong way. Please let me know what I can do.
Comment by Shann — 3/6/2008 @ 4:15 pm
what happens when your bff is the one that dumps you cause she is in love with your guy? then she becomes a big harrassing problem in your life cause of it? you both have to see her everyday & she flirts with your guy and gives you nasty looks all day long?? help i need advise
Comment by brittany G — 3/11/2008 @ 6:05 am
138 also this is the 2nd time your bff wanted the guy you were dating. i dont know what to do anymore
Comment by brittany G — 3/11/2008 @ 6:06 am
My best mate bianca has recently been ditching me for her boyfriend kayle….. it is really starting to annoy me and i have been fighting with her because of it and i wish she would stop doing it. she only spends time with me when she isn’t busy with her boyfriend kayle it is like she s using me !!!!
Comment by jesse — 4/3/2008 @ 4:17 am
This artical is so right! My best friend will do anything to hang out with the guy she likes. She ditchs me all the time and now I never see her but this helps nowing eveyone goes through this.
Comment by Mally — 4/5/2008 @ 6:07 pm
This is abosuletely the most helpful thing i think ive ever read it helped soo much. Thank you.
Comment by chnfdklahf — 4/14/2008 @ 11:01 pm
The article was good and a bit helpful, but not really to me. I mean I understand what my friend is doing, but it doesn’t help me any because I’ve tried to talk to my best friend about this and she just tells me that I’m more important than him and I should feel like a third wheel, but then she still ditches me for him. I mean we used to do stuff all the time and now she goes out with him nearly every night and I get to do things with her maybe twice a month. And then when we do group things she always invites him to come and I wouldn’t mind but he’s the only guy and it’s weird doing stuff with a group of friends and one of their boyfriends. I don’t know how to tell her so she actually understands and not just says stuff that I’m pretty sure she doesn’t really mean. I don’t know what to do and I’m finding that more and more it hurts to be around her and that’s only making me depressed. What am I supposed to do?
Comment by Lenny — 4/20/2008 @ 7:47 pm
my friend and i have been friends for 14 years. We are both college age now but for the past three years all she does it eat, sleep and drink problems with guys. She always has a boyfriend so I am constantly being ditched. Not even ditched, more like forgotten about. I have always been there at her beck and call and i feel like all she has done is stomped all over me. The more time goes on, the more i become the last resort. Not only with boyfriends, but for new friends she met. She would take their word over mine, and they stabbed her in the back every time! She would come to my house and use my phone and fight with her boyfriend for HOURS. If they didn’t make up, she was miserable and if they did she would call him back later or he would call her before bed and that was another hour long conversation. She would come over and use my computer spending HOURS trying to figure out her boyfriends password on myspace, then get on the phone and argue for hours with him when she found out things I had tried to warn her about. Things have not always been this way. Her and I had a blast at one time. As a matter of fact, that is the last time I remember being truly happy. It just keeps getting worse. Her current boyfriend immediately disliked me. She completely knows no loyalty to anyone but him. She has leaked my personal business to him and said mean things about me when her and I get in a fight and he is a total jerk. He is trash! He drinks, smokes pot and doesn’t have a phone, internet or a car. He is SUCH A LOSER! I hate him. Sometimes I feel like I really HATE HER for being so stupid! I am so scared she will end up pregnant and stuck with that nightmare for the rest of her life. I know he is not the one for her. She is too young, he couldn’t be. She gets this way over every guy. I always end up being the bad guy when i confront her about the way she is around him. I spend more money renting movies for us to watch than her boyfriend spends on her in a month, and yet I feel unappreciated while her pig boyfriend soaks up all the glory. He harrassess her every time we are together so it’s never just time between me and her. Oh well, he too shall pass….until the next one
Comment by Lacey Singhurse — 5/3/2008 @ 2:32 am
my friend is not even the same person anymore. She isn’t even any fun to be with on account of her screwball boyfriend
Comment by n/a — 5/3/2008 @ 2:51 am
My friend wants to talk about bringing her boyfriend to the club when he and i dont get along – I dont think so. He doesn’t need to be attached to her hip every damn second. She spends every other day of the week with him and I cant believe he is selfish enough to try and take the one day a week that we’ve been reduced to away!
Comment by n/a — 5/3/2008 @ 2:57 am
I am going through this right now. My best friend and I have been best friends ever since we were born. We are both 18 now. She has been dating this guy she met online for about 9 months now. She is not the same person anymore and when we used to hang out every single day, I have hung out with her maybe 10 times this entire year and during those times she would be texting her boyfriend every second and wouldnt talk. She barely knows how to have a conversation anymore and never has a expression on her face. He treats her like shit and is so controlling. He says the F bomb over and over to her on the phone if she doesnt text him back with in a certain amount of time. It is really scary and my friends and I have told her several times that how he treats her is not ok but she doesnt seem to care. Me and her arent friends anymore because of her relationship and her ditching me so many times. A girl talked to her the other day and she said she didnt care about us because she can make new friends in college and highschool is almost over and she doesnt need us because she has her boyfriend. It is really sad and it really sucks but if this is happening to anyone else i know how you feel :(
Comment by Laura — 5/7/2008 @ 6:35 pm
I think everyone who has a best friend, will go through this type of situation. From my experience, the best thing you can do is be by your best friend side even if it hurts. You gotta have so much support and so much patience. It’s the hardest thing I had to do. Right now my best friend and I are cool but Im afraid something may go wrong. As the future progresses, things will get hard and things will change. But if you love your best friend dearly, you will want them to be happy, even if you guys spend less time with each other. If they want to hang out with their boyfriend or even a different friend (which is another conflict-fighting over a friend), you got to be strong and give all the support and patience you can give. Remember, that boyfriend will eventually become their husband which equals a family that will include children. Not only that but a career that may be in a different state. A lot of obstacles will form in the future that will put your friendship up to the test. It’s your job to be the supportive one, being supportive on whatever decision they make. If they still dont give you any attention, then maybe the best thing to do is not be friends. People change and grow apart :( Everything happens for a reason, maybe that friend is not meant to be your best friend. Maybe God has a better friend stored in the future for you. I dont understand why they blow off such a great relationship or friendship that is been going strong for all those years. So much memories to cherish, the love, the growth, its just ashamed. Let me tell you guys: LOVE IS PAIN :( Just have faith and pray that your best friend will be there forever :)
Comment by no air — 5/21/2008 @ 8:02 pm
thank you this has helped me because latly we met these to boys one who liked me the other liked my best m8 i didnt like the guy who liked me so we were just friends the other guy and my best m8 went out they still do but ever since then she has left me out and gone with the two guys and and she says the other guy is her new best m8 and we have fallen out like 6 times we have never fallen out that much before its liek this guy i dumped her new best m8 its like hes trying to corner in on me as he fancys her now so hes pushing me out to get closer to her what should i do ?
Comment by kirsty — 5/24/2008 @ 3:31 pm
Hi. I have found myself at the other end of this problem and am having serious troubles dealing with it… I could really need someone’s view on this. Thing is, I have a best friend with whom I’ve been very close for the last 7 years. We’ve hung out almost daily for periods of time and been very dependant on each other. I love her dearly and I want her to stay my best friend for life, although we’ve had a lot of differences over the years.
But, it seems impossible for her to handle me meeting someone. She has become very upset each time I’ve started seeing someone which has greatly influenced a couple of break-ups from my part. She’s had a boyfriend inbetween, which I tried to handle as best as I could and although I know my feelings affected her I don’t think I complicated their relationship much. When I’ve been single our friendship has worked pretty fine. Now, however, I am in serious doubts about what to do. I recently confessed that I have very strong feelings for an ex of mine and he is in love with me too. I really think he could be The One for me and I don’t want to lose the relationship. I’ve tried very hard to take my best friend’s feelings into consideration, I have only met my boyfriend a few times in the two months since we confessed our feelings for each other, and I have little contact with him inbetween, to try and spare her feelings and make this start of in the best way. I want to try and make this work, and I have really really tried to prove to her that I am not about to leave her, I’ve spent much time with her and tried to help her with practical and other problems – all in an effort to try and convince her that I’m not about to disappear. But, it seems that no matter what I do – each time I mention my boyfriends name she gets either very quiet or very upset telling me how I don’t care about her and that I will leave her for him and starts to verbally abuse our relationship. Nothing I have done seems to have proven to her that I really care for her…
This is making me devastated and depressed, and I don’t know what to do! I have seriously considered breaking up with my boyfriend, but it feels like I would be throwing my future away (I don’t fall in love easily). Before, I’ve been under the impression that I just don’t handle things the way they should be handled – that I could improve my actions and try different approaches – but I am running out of alternatives. I have really put my heart into it but nothing seems to be good enough.
Now I am beginning to wonder if there is just no solving this – if she simply cannot handle the situation, at least not as long as she’s single herself. And I am wondering whether I should break up with my boyfriend and put my lovelife on hold until she meets someone new. But, I would really be devastated to break up with my boyfriend – I’ve never had these feelings for anyone before him.
Has anyone been in this situation? I can’t bring myself to see if our friendship simply is too messed up to work, and if she and I should go our separate ways for a while, or if I should go for the friendship completely. I find it very hard to “abandon” a friend, but I don’t know if there is another way… Or should I sacrifice the relationship with my boyfriend?
I am so confused and utterly devastated by this… I hope someone could grant me some support in any direction. Thank you.
Comment by Hannah — 5/27/2008 @ 2:56 pm
To Hannah, Please do not put your life on hold until your friend gets into a relationship. As much as you know you are hurting her, your life must come first. Do not sacrifice the relationship with your boyfriend. You friend will have to learn to let you grow. That said, you will have to learn to be okay with the distance– even if it’s minimal– that will develop between you and your friend as you pursue this relationship with your boyfriend. Even if she wants what’s best for you, your friend will probably learn to protect herself by not needing you quite as much. Try to give her support as she explores other friendships and interests to fill the time she used to spend with you. The only way you can “prove” to her that you still care about her is by supporting her, making time for her, and not getting upset when she feels hurt that she is no longer your first priority– because she is going to feel hurt, and your acknowledgment of that, even if you can’t prevent it, will mean a lot to her. If you try to still be there for her, she will know she can still count on you– even if she can’t call you as much as she wishes she could–and eventually, you will both adjust to the new dynamics of your friendship. I write this as the friend whose best friend is beginning a new relationship. My friend is doing all she can to help me, and the pain is still almost unbearable. We are just trying to understand each other’s feelings and be there for each other while realizing that if either of us is ever going to find love, it’s going to hurt. Real friendship will withstand the pain. Good luck to you and your friend.
Comment by Allison — 5/28/2008 @ 10:17 am
My best friend Jenni has been (on and off…) with her boyfriend now for about two and a half years. I’ve been there through their ups and downs, been a shoulder to cry on, just as she’s been there for me through some hard times. She’s always liked him, even though every few months he’ll do something that will make our blood boil- the most recent episode being him pushing her down the stairs of her house… Of course I was angry, but kept telling myself that although I can bad mouth him and tell her to steer clear, her decision to go running back to him is her own choice. And even if I dont really agree with it, I’m her friend and I wont let her down if she needs me. When I found this article I was relieved that I’m not the only one who feels a little stab of jealousy when I’m sat on my own on what used to be one of our girly nights out. Tonight had been planned for ages, and of course, when the time comes for us to meet, she wont answer her cell or let me know whats going on. Its sad that Ive come to accept the fact that this will happen in the future. Maybe one day she’ll realise that she has treated me quite badly, but even if she doesnt Ill always be her friend and support her should she need my help. I really empathise with everyone who is going through the same or similar situations, and am sure that soon enough the friends that we all love to pieces will eventually come to their senses. It is true what they say, that boys come and go but girlfriends are there for life. Or at least thats what I tell myself, even if it is hard when youre brewing in your bedroom- trying your best not to send bitchy text messages demanding an explanation as to why you are being treated like a fool!! Good luck everyone! Dont forget why you were friends in the first place, and hold on to your memories..hopefully there will be many more in the future, when our girlies have come to realise that boys are not the be all and end all of their lives!
Comment by Mel — 5/29/2008 @ 1:29 pm
well get this story
Love means the same thing no matter who or what it is for
i have been best friends over 25 yrs with another who is mentally emotionally challenged weve lived together id say over 20 some years and in that time i have helped in showing how to be more cooking writing checks learning to read wouldnt know alot if it wasnt for me well we mutually agreed to give up on love always being hurt and rejected we moved on from our past and from our hometown to another place it was ok about 4 yrs but then in summer it happened a person who we met who i knew in my heart was no good introduced the other who my friend claims is the “Best thing in the World ” now is saying painful things ” “claims is the one is the best thing that ever happened to my friend “and leaving me hurt & rejected and in the cold when i left my hometown and came here i had no friends here other than my best friend and in the 4 years i didnt make new ones knowing theyed reject my best friend because of the emotional mentally challenged thing in my whole time i lived with my friend i had met people that i could of done the same thing to my friend but i didnt knowing it would hurt my friend but now my friend is hurting me and acts as if i dont exist well i will say this too in the last year i became disabled not able to get around so good and im feeling like my friend has given up on me always with the new “claims is the one” im alone no friends most of my family is dead no one to talk to im disabled now cant go out much to make new friends like i used to im lost and dont know what to do ive even thaught of giving up my life wondering if my best friend would even care recently “the new claims is the one” parents moved here and i bet you can guess where they always are and of course im not allowed over there one of them thinks im after their “claims is the one” thats wjhat my friend claims anyway they keep trying to move people in my house storing all my stuff away like i dont exist not care if i eat or anthing as long as my friends “claims is the one” is happy thats all that matters my friend says hurtful things like “oh where were you all my life your the best thing in the world”, kissing mauling having sex in front of me and not care that im alone i would have never done that to my friend :'( ok my question and stituation is im disabled now no money i live with my friend & “claims is the one” i have no where to go my family is all dead mostly im trying to get on some kind of assistance but it will take time my question is should i move on since my friends acts as if i shouldnt be alive or stick it out and keep hurting did my friend dump me , dump me cuz im sick :'(
alone loney
p.s if anyone is lonely like me male female age dont matter im looking for friends & if you been threw this too you probably feel like crying 4ever like me if youve been hurt rejected by anyone family friends lovers it hurts and you feel like ending and giving up even if you havent and wanna talk anyone email me @ alone.loney@yahoo.com
Comment by lonely.alone — 6/11/2008 @ 3:00 pm
That’s bullshit, excuse my language. Why should I have to be the one being treated like crap just because she got some new fling? No, this is not jealousy, trust me. And I can see where this very logical theory comes from. But seriously, guys. Where does this self-pity shit come in?
My friend and I have been friends for almost ten years. And for five out of ten of these years, she has ditched me– even if she ISN’T with someone, she’s “just talking” to them. I was uber depressed one nite and she walked out the door anyway, even when she knew that I was feeling bad, just to go talk to some guy that she had only met TWICE. But when she gets depressed, the WHOLE WORLD has to know and pay attention. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m an attention whore too, or else I wouldn’t be posting this, lol)
Why is that fair? Why doesn’t the “golden rule” apply here?
I mean, while I type, she’s at her EX-boyfriend’s house, prolly “talking” while I’m sitting next to a wonderful guy that’s geniunely interested in her for more than just sex! (And he’s a cutie, too!) she turned her phone off even though I’ve talked about this kind of situation with her before. If she leaves me alone at home for too long, I get lonely and depressed and then start to freak. (Okay, THAT part was jealousy, lol)
And the worse part is, is that I’ve spoken to her about it, and all she says is, “I know, I know.” And then does absolutely nothing to change the situation. And the guys that she picks— eww. (This is just personal opinion). They’re stupid. Like, literally retarded. She dated a guy for three years that thought he was a character from a video game. And the latest guy she’s only been with for a year and he’s been eating her out of house and home! (They don’t even live together!) and HE ditches HER and she comes and bitches at me.
Okay, so I needed to vent, but still. I still wanna know why the “golden rule” doesn’t apply here! >.<
Anyone who finished reading this whole thing gets a cookie. -starts handing them out-
Comment by LadySeph — 6/14/2008 @ 12:32 am
I am so glad I found this website, and everyone is feeling the same way I do which is I am really sad and upset, but my story is a little different. I have had a gay male friend for twelve years and I am a straight female and we would talk almost everyday. We would talk about everything, and for hours all the time, or occasionally go shopping. But he recently got a new boyfriend which I thought would not become serious because he is in an out of relationships all the time, but the guy moved in with him after the first week and have not been apart since. I am happy for him, but all he talks is about his boyfriend. I don’t want to be judgemental, but the guy in 25 years younger than him. He never calls anymore, but I see him at work, and now after two months they are getting married. Has anyone ever had their friend move this fast in a new relationship? I feel like I am losing my friend.
Comment by Sad — 6/20/2008 @ 4:18 pm
I know exactly how ya feel, Sad. My situation’s getting better. Now she’s looking at this new guy and so she’s at home a LOT more. I’m really thankful.
Comment by LadySeph — 6/24/2008 @ 4:13 pm
i never know i would be so jealousy, even in friendship. until they are together two days ago.
he has been so protective to my best friedn, which is good. but he seemed to get a lil over the limit, as he said i have been abandoned my best friedn ?! i mean.. what ?? im just trying to give you guys more time to spend together ! who would understand me feeling lonely deep inside ?
i cried i explained to her she cried she said she loves me too
your article helps so much .. i realised what to do, or rather what can i do now. thank u so much ..
Comment by Jodie — 7/7/2008 @ 5:10 am
i totally understand what you guys are going through.. i went through the same thing with my former bestfriend..we were best friends for 13 years, ever since kintergarden we were inseperable..she used to stay over at my house for days and if my family went somewhere, she always came too, and everytime we’d visit my family in Georgia we took her along as well..she wasnt even like a best friend really..more like a sister, until we got into highschool, we made a new friend and all three of us became pretty close and then she met a guy and they started dating, and they got a little too close on new years eve and told my ex-boyfriend (who has the worlds largest mouth btw) all about it and she told him not to tell me because i would be upset with her for it..and my ex-boyfriend ended up telling me everything that happened, THEN told me not to tell anyone..so i didnt for three months and i was worried about her so i finally asked her if what he had told me was true, and she said yes..and i was still afraid they would go to far so i told my mom about it and since my best friend was practically a daughter to her, my mom talked to my bestfriend and she decided that I couldnt be trusted and she told my other friend that “i feel that i can trust my boyfriend since ive known him for a year.” (which to be honest, doesnt have squat on 13 years) and a few other drama-filled subjects have come up..and we stayed close friends..but ever since she told my new bestfriend that she couldnt trust her we havent really spoken..and that was about 4 months ago…
i dont think ill ever trust anyone the same way again..ever since all of that and my ex-boyfriend i dont really feel like i can trust anyone.. i always stood up for her when someone said something about her, and i always treated her well…sure, we had out arguments..but what sisters didnt?
Comment by Angel — 7/14/2008 @ 12:32 am
Well, I hate my bestfriends boyfriend. Fuck my friend, and fuck her boyfriend. She doesnt even know I’m here. She changed my life and even that bitch boyfriend.
If you do this to your bestfriend, be prepared to lose her or him.
Comment by Samantha — 7/14/2008 @ 10:26 am
So I woke up this morning feeling like I had been taking crazy pills for feeling this way. I am single and not only is my best friend in love and ditching me but miraculously every single one of my other friends got into serious relationships at the same time. Literally, every single one of them. My best friend and her boyfriend, who is awesome, have been together for 8 months now. So I’ve made it through the whole adjusting period. I’ve excepted that I’m no longer the first to know about the things in her life. I’ve excepted that she has to sleep at his house every night (we’re roomates). I’ve even excepted that I’m no longer going to get the invite to hang out with her and her family when they come visit. I love her family and I had become pretty close with her mom. What I can’t except though is never being asked to hang out anymore. I’m always the one who has to put in a special request for it to just be the two of us. It makes me feel pathetic. I understand that being in love is a consuming amazing feeling but since when does that make it OK to never reach out to your friends. I’m angry about this. The article above is pretty much saying what, that we should just grin a bare it that’s that? NO, I mean what the fuck! I don’t think it’s too much to ask to want to be missed a little. Why is it ok for her to not ask me to do things? Why should it be ok? I mean how many damn books are written over how incredible friendship is and it’s one of the greatest gifts in life and bla bla bla. So why does that all go out the window so easily and why do WE have to be ok with it? It just seems kind of ridiculous. And I don’t think it’s selfish to feel this way. I think it’s selfish to disreguard a best friend and expect them to be ok with it and then expect them to be there when your ready to come back. It’s crap and it sucks and shouldn’t be ok. I just don’t understand why being in love means you are suddenly incapable of even reaching out a little to the person you call a best friend. I’m not asking for a 100%. I’m not even asking for 50%. I really just want an invite to dinner or for coffee everyonce in a while. An invite that doesn’t include the boyfriend. I don’t think that’s too much to ask, not at all.
Comment by trying — 7/20/2008 @ 9:00 am
I am a guy, and my best friend is a girl. I don’t think a girl can have a boyfriend, and a guy best friend :( We were best friends all through high school. Suddenly one day, everything changed. She got a boyfriend. While she promises that it won’t change anything, deep down I know it will. For one thing, I cant just hang out with her like i used to. He will always have to be present. She cant really call or text me anymore either. I basically need permission to hang out or even communicate with my best friend. Everything has changed so quickly. My very best friend, whom i invested so much in, has been snatched away. What am i left with… :4a7d3d609129a9296bf7ac0608c2097
Comment by poopits — 7/23/2008 @ 12:13 pm
Dangggg, this is so true. I’m going thru the same shit right now and im completely lost and heart broken over everything. I pray things will get better =/
Comment by Britttttany — 8/9/2008 @ 6:06 pm
one of my best friends since jr high (were 17 now) has been dating this TOTAL douche bag for a few months now.since the first time i met him he has been a jerk to me and my other friends.He is so disrespsctful to her its not even funny. one time he picked her up and dropped her on the ground and said “bitch you can walk home” when his friend offered her a ride, he wouldnt let him take her.He threatened to post naked pictures of her in a myspace bulletin for everyone to see. at our other best friends birthday party(that he wasnt invited to but came anyways)i heard him yelling at her. I was fed up so i yelled at him and told him he couldnt treat her that way and he threatened to hit me…this is the guy she claims to be in love with?
Ive tried talking to her about it.I ask her all the time how she can be so in love with someone who treats her and the people who are supposed to be her “best friends” so horribly.It makes me sick. She is always choosing him over us and its so not fair.
Comment by Hilary — 8/14/2008 @ 1:21 am
This totally sucks. My bestfriend is ruining her life by choosing a man beneath her, like way beneath. Yes, you might think it’s not be my concern but she’s destroying her future and as a best friend, for me, this is as bad as if he hits her. Just because the harm on her is not physical, doesn’t mean I should just stand by and look while she destroys her life. Maybe I should, and let her learn the hard way. But what would that make me?
Comment by spitzer — 9/2/2008 @ 12:23 pm
Update– my friend’s now going off to be with this guy up in Nebraska and they’re gonna get married and blah blah blah…
I tried being supportive, but I’m of the belief that if someone makes you cry, and they aren’t tears of joy, then you need to leave them. They’ve been arguing worse since he left. (He left early to go find a place for them).
That isn’t what pisses me off, though. All she keeps telling him on the phone (right in front of me, by the way) is that she’s so excited to “leave this life behind”. Wait, so I was that boring of a friend?…
Ya know what? Fuck her and her richy-ass boyfriend! -waves bye to them as they drive off- maybe she should THINK about what she says before she says it.
I’ve decided that she wasn’t worth the seven years of effort put in to the friendship. I’ll still be in her wedding or whatever and she’s a grown ass woman, she can do what she pleases– until it insults me. Then she can kiss my ass. Later guys. This will be the last ya hear of me, cause I’m deleting this off my bookmark. I don’t need it since I’ve lost my “best friend” -rolls eyes and walks off-
Comment by LadySeph — 9/6/2008 @ 8:04 pm
my (best)friend keeps breaking our plans that we made montfore her boy friend came on to the sceene just today we were supost to go to the cinema and she broe the plans to go to the pud with her boy friend
my mom told me to forget about her andd move on but its hard to do because we have known each other since kindergarden help what should i do?
can you email the anser to me plz or putg it an my webby
Comment by tikal16 — 10/22/2008 @ 10:14 am
My friend has been with her bf for almost ten years now. We are 24 and she still ditches me for him. Even at my bachelorette party she said she was feeling ill and was going home and i found out the next day she went straight to his house from mine. We always invite them to hang out with us and they never do and then she complains that i don’t talk to her. I’m done with this bs. She obviously isn’t a friend of mind and the whole it will stop is untrue.
Comment by Christina — 11/20/2008 @ 11:55 am
my friend, who has been dating a guy for ten months, HAS been acting like a flake to me and my two other best friends.. we tried to be there for her when she would let us down and we put up with her talking about him 24/7. weve had fights about this before but last night both she and her boyfriend said they didnt care about us.. so. life sucks people. sometimes your friends arent your true friends, and in the end they dump you like the shit they think you are.
Comment by anonymous — 11/30/2008 @ 12:38 pm
oh and it has nothing to do with jealousy when you were her best friend BEFORE he came in the picture.. its the saddest thing. and to think about her situation when he’s gonna be gone.. oh what a shame
Comment by anonymous — 11/30/2008 @ 12:40 pm
It makes me feel a bit better to see that others are going through the same thing. It doesn’t make me feel any different though. I still feel like I am being replaced. And the problem is that this happens with every guy that she meets. When she is single and not interested in anyone we are inseperable. Not too long ago her and I started hanging out more often and becoming closer again because she just broke up with a boyfriend. But she went off on a trip over most of the summer and she met a guy there. They only started dating about a month ago, but I don’t even feel like we are best friends anymore. She never calls me to hang out, I’m always calling her, yet it used to be the other way around. Even when we do hang out now, it’s for a short amount of time, and she is texting her boyfriend the entire time. I recently moved out of the city, so we have even less time to hang out, but because her boyfriend is out of the city as well, she takes whatever chance she gets to see him, and I’m left by myself with no one. I feel like I should have gotten used to this by now because it has happened so many times, but it hurts just the same. I don’t want to lose her as a friend, but I feel we just can’t be best friends anymore if our friendship is constantly put on a shelf whenever she meets a new guy.
Comment by Getting dusty on the shelf — 12/7/2008 @ 8:04 pm
I actually ran across this and started crying. A grown woman of 23, crying. My best friend of six years happens to be a guy, so any dating scenario is obviously going to make for weird times. I am used to this, and okay with it by now. But this last girl…they had been dating one week when suddenly he started ditching me. Not in a normal, we don’t hang out as much as we used to, sort of way. He actually flat out told me, one month into this relationship, that we can’t hang out by ourselves anymore, which soon translated into not hanging out at all and barely talking. One night I had a huge personal problem and really needed to talk to him (I don’t really have many close friends), and he couldn’t because it was date night with her (as opposed to every other night when they’re just hanging out), but I even told him that was fine and that maybe we could talk the next day when he got back from going to church with her. He said sure, he’d be done by mid-morning. And so I waited and I waited and I waited and at about 2 in the afternoon, I called him to see what was going on and he was like “Oh…yeah…I forgot that I promised to help her sort clothes for a clothing drive, so I’ve been doing that.” And it just broke me. I can understand needing time with someone since you’re in love and everything, but when I show up at his house crying and want to talk but I let him go and see a movie or whatever and then spend the night with her and go to church and all of that and all I wanted was for him to get back to me the next day when he said he would? Or AT LEAST call me quickly and say you have to sort clothes so my problem will have to wait? I think it’s a little bit too much that he blew me off even then. And when I confront him about it, he pulled the “you aren’t my girlfriend, my life doesn’t revolve around you” card. So now I’m out a best friend…
Comment by WarOnTara — 12/8/2008 @ 3:30 am
Tara,
There are some people who believe that women and men can’t be friends. Either one or the other always wants more out of the relationship.
In this case, it appears that it was you who wanted more and now that he is dating, you’re having a hard time letting go.
You need to get a new friend because he was never your friend to begin with. He’s never coming back, like a girlfriend will after the initial blush of love fades. Even if he breaks up with her, he doesn’t want you. I know that’s hard to accept because I’ve been there before. It’s gonna hurt for a while, so be tender with yourself and find a REAL friend who can nurse you through the hurt.
Best,
Laura
Comment by Laura Moncur — 12/8/2008 @ 7:22 am
Thank you so much for this article I have been so upset for so long now.I have decided to tell my best friend in letter how I feel.PLease can you read this can give me some response on anything I need to add or take away or change etc.
The names have been changed for private purposes.
::: Dear Ellie, You’re without a doubt, the bestest friend ever to me and also a great girlfriend to Jacob and I’m really happy for you both-I really am.=] But at the moment I’m feeling pretty hurt because we never spend much time together and your attention is always to Jacob before me. I know you love him but it’s really hard to deal with how little time we spend together now. And there are times when I really need you, and only you, to talk to and you’re not always there for me. I know you probably prefer spending your lunchtimes with Jacob but all I ask is for you to spend at least 1 or 2 days a week with just you and me. It’s not that I don’t like Jacob or hate it if he’s around but I think if both your relationship with Jacob and our friendship are to last then you should take some time out for me as well as Jacob. I really don’t want to get angry, hurt or disappointed anymore. Nor do I want to upset you and Jacob but really I’m not asking for much. I hope our friendship does last just as much as I hope you and Jacob will stay together forever.
With Love From Your Best friend always and forever
Bianca x
Comment by Bianca — 12/12/2008 @ 2:53 pm
Bianca,
I think you did an excellent job on the letter. I don’t know if it will help, but you did everything right as far as leaving things open and being honest about your feelings. Right now, “Ellie” is going to be distant, so it’s a good idea to get some other friends to fill the void until she comes back.
Wishing you the best, Laura Moncur
Comment by Laura Moncur — 12/12/2008 @ 3:07 pm
Thank you so much! Well, I’m 15 and one of my best friends has ditched me for her boyfriend too… My best friend and I are in the same school. But my other friends who aren’t in that school came to my B-Day party. There she met a boy i had a huge crush on. It was hard to face that he liked her too. After to months dating, they broke up… After the break-up, she started chatting [MSN] with one of my other friends, who she also met at my party. She is dating him now. I really feel replaced, i still speak to her at school.. but she isn’t the same person anymore. I feel miserable. And after this.. I have this strange feeling that it’s all my fault. But thank you for the information.. You brought me HOPE. Thank you so much!
Comment by Michelle — 12/14/2008 @ 1:25 pm
That is one of the most true articles i have ever read. This has been happening to me for years, i’ve been replaced and pushed out of my best friends life and we are slowly drifting apart. We used to be inseperable, practically sisters and now i hardly ever see her and we have had so many arguments about her ditching me for her boyfriend. But recently i have come to realise that no matter what peoples perspectives of teenagers are, my best friend and her boyfriend are in love, and have been together for 3 years. No one, not even me her best friend should stand in the way of that, when people finally fall in love they will realise what their best friend has been feeling and it is inevatable that we will one day choose our boyfriends over our friends. Honestly she hasn’t been a good friend to me and iv’e always been there for her through EVERYTHING. I have put up with this for ages, and i had finally had enough and told her exacrly how i felt. Now i feel guilty because maybe its not her fault, maybe its mine for caring too much about people who don’t really care about me. But no matter, im not going to feel replaced anymore and im not going to get angry when she ditches me. She is wrong for doing so but when she really needs me, and im there for her, she’ll realise that true friends are forever and she’ll understand why i’ve felt like this for so long. Thanks for your help – its opened my eyes.
Comment by Alice — 12/28/2008 @ 2:18 pm
Thank you for this article. I have found that although there is a ton of online advice about romantic relationships, there is very little out there about dealing with “heartbreak” in bestfriend relationships. Here’s my situation. I am 33 years old and we have been best friends since age 15– nearly two decades. I am married with children and a hectic job but no matter how busy my life was I always included my best friend in it. (The day I was engaged, I brought my fiance to meet her). Even though my BF is stunningly beautiful she has never really had a serious boyfriend with marriage potential until she started dating her boyfriend two years ago. From the very beginning of their relationship she started acting funny (in my eyes). She seemed reluctant to introduce him and we didn’t see much of each other anymore, even though I expressed to her an excitement about finally being able to double date. I was so happy for her at first, but then learned that they were doing a lot of double dating– mostly his people, but my husband and I were never invited. My best friend started becoming a veritable social butterfly (she was a homebody before), going on exoctic trips (with him and others) and partying, but still my hubby and I were getting very few invites. I addressed it with her twice and her response was that he always planned their activities (every date was a “surprise” date)?!?! She said none of it was being aimed at me. It just seemed as though she was so happy to finally have a man that she didn’t want to rock the boat in any way, even if it meant excluding her BF. Finally, after a year of this, I told her that I was tired of getting my feelings hurt and would accept if she could not balance a friendship with me and her new lifestyle(the day after being excluded from her birthday trip– for 17 years we’d always celebrated our b-days together). Since then she has made great efforts to change things, but it just doesn’t feel the same to me. My emotional trust level is not there with her and it makes me sad. I have focused on other friendships. I still love her, but inside I think I’m just still hurt.
Comment by Simone — 1/24/2009 @ 7:12 am
i am going through the hardest time evvvver, at least so far in my life it seems. i’m only fourteen but i’m going through a lot. june 2008 me and my ex started going out for 6 months. i feeeell in love with the boy,i devoted so much time with him and we many lotsa memories but i guessss everything was just a lie to him and we broke up in december. i was in depression for about 2 and a half months and i’m stilll heartbroken but i’m able to live life and go on with it and enjoy myself. i’ve had my best friend for like a year and a half and we WERE inseprable. we went through soo much together, and i must admit that when i was with my ex i did neglect her and i’m SSOOO sorry for doing that to her. and she explained to me how much it hurt her but now she’s got this biggg ol senior boyfriend. he’s hellof annoying to be honest. gawd, i don’t even wanna get myself started. but now she spends so much time with him and he is soo clingy. they’ve been going to eachother’s houses all week and even her mom would rather have him over than me. that hurts me:[ i don’t think she’d want to do to me what i did to her and i understand she likes the guy and i want her to be happy as much as i don’t like him. but i’m going through a heartbreak and all i want is my bestfriend to help me recover. i don’t even like hanging out with her anymore cause when we do she always has to go hang out with him in the middle of the time we’re spending together. he’s a nice guy but he annoys the frrrick outta me. i’m probably being overractive but shoot, this is not the greatest time of my life! ughhh..wake me up when they break up.lmao.
Comment by Tayler — 3/18/2009 @ 7:06 pm
Thank you so much!! everything u wrote is more than Exactely wut im going through!! Omg u even meantioned stuff that i was already doing!! Really u have no idea how much u helped me!!
Comment by Julie — 3/24/2009 @ 2:09 pm
Dear Laura,
First of all I would like to thank you for this amazing article. It opened my eyes because I kept thinking I was the only one going through this, and not 179 people other than me! hehe
I’m 21 and my friend is a year older than me. Like the rest of the girls that commented, we’ve been inseperable before her guy got in the picture. we used to see each other every day, travel,… it would be very rare for us not to call each other at least once evrery day. Ever since he got introduced, He’s not letting her hang out with the “groups” of friends we have. HE’s not letting her do the things we used 2 do, like travel, have fun, party… And the sad part is that she keeps saying that shes never gona change…but she is..without knowing it! He used 2 get jealous when she used 2 see me call me more than him. But now, their on the phone/text messaging 24-7!! For 3 weeks straight she neevr called to just “ask ” about me She never ask how im doing or wondered wuts been up with me lately She never ask me 2 hang out or for me 2 just pass by to see her
and the worst part is that for the first time i saw a missed call from her (since im the only one who calls now) When i called her back, it turns out her phone dialled my number “by mistake” You’d think she continued by talking 2 me and chatting but no she just said bye and closed the phone! This just killed me! I hate it cuz i dont know wut to do! Im never the type of person who goes up to a best friend and tells her ” hey u need 2 give care more bout me!”
it just needs to come from them naturally You can just get your answer from how they don’t even miss u if they havent seen u for a while.
So i don’t know wut i should do. Forget her? move on? or continue being the loser friend who keeps calling? and making plans? whats even worse is that anytime shes free, she never asks me 2 hang out, she goes out with her other friend who isnt even considered a friend, someone who has ditched her, gave her back to her when she needed her, basically a really bad person..So why? for three weekends straight she hangs out with her instead of me??
I have no clue wut to do about it…its just killing me!
Comment by Sara — 3/24/2009 @ 2:34 pm
Thank you so much for this article… I’m a guy, but this situation applies to me. I’m glad I’m not alone.
Comment by Neero — 3/25/2009 @ 8:25 pm
I wasn’t sure what to think about this article. I feel like I’ve been at both ends, and handled it in a weird way. So, for those of you with patience, story time.
My best friend Jess and I have known each other since she moved to the states from Bermuda during high school. At the time she was long-distance dating a boy from Bermuda, and although the distance gave us time to develop an extremely close friendship (she got my name tattooed on her leg, for example), I had my first peek into how she functioned in a relationship. Everyone who knew Jess, knew everything about her boyfriend, and me in particular. She would make little videos to send to him, paint pictures of him, carefully edit facebook photos of them kissing, save up hundreds to go visit him and call him every single night (staying on the phone until he chose to say goodbye). I was extremely angry with her, for the first time through all of this, when she mentioned applying for college; she made his first choice her first choice, and so on, regardless of the fact that these schools didn’t have her chosen major!! Inevitably, their relationship began to decay, as this boyfriend was a playboy. He was no longer enthusiastic about their relationship, and she piiined for him. I can’t count how many saturday nights i spent with her in her room, comforting her as she sang sad songs and wallowed in her sorrow. He cheated on her, and in one final explosive blow, their relationship was over.
Things went back to normal between us. We continued to spend a great deal of time together, and although we never accomplished much in particular, I always felt like we had a good time joking around.
Shortly after this episode, I found a boyfriend. He and Jess didn’t seem too keen on being friends, so I split time between them, like a friggin’ time share. Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays were Mike, and the rest for Jess/others with a ritual saturday sleepover. Keeping the balance was hard, but I felt like it was worth it. I occasionally got the feeling that Jess was jealous or hurt, but she never spoke to me about it. Unless something unusual happened (like when we had sex for the first time) we never really mentioned Mike. I still worshiped Jess, and I made it very clear to Mike (to the point where HE would get jealous) that she would always be my first.
Jess was single until senior year winter rolled around. I noticed she was spending a lot of time with a junior, Pat, but I didn’t mention it to her. I knew her well enough to know that she liked him, but he had a girlfriend at the time. One day, out of the blue, he breaks up with his girlfriend, and confesses to Jess that he likes her. I don’t hear about any of this until about a week later (i was on vacation in florida, although she could have called me?) and it was in front of a group of people.
I literally could not handle myself, and i’m terrible at hiding how I feel. TERRIBLE. I immediately went to the bathroom and started crying. Later on that week, she invited me to a party at his house, and the moment I saw them together, I started crying and left. I knew what relationship-Jess was like. I’d known Pat his whole life; he’s the kind of guy who’s “cool” on the outside, and secretly extremely insecure, clingy, and emotional.
I felt replaced, as so many of you do. I felt like this was the beginning of the end. Jess and I talked about it, about why I was so upset, but I’m not sure she ever really understood my fear, simply because she was never afraid in the same way. That summer, our friendship waned. She spent three weeks with him in Florida, and for the rest of the summer (even now) they lived at each other’s houses, got drunk together (alone) nightly, and somehow became integrated into each others’ families in a way that I never was. My jealousy was off the chart. I can’t say I wasn’t expecting it, but that doesn’t stop me from hurting this way. Even now, our friendship isn’t quite the same.
This past fall, she had the option of going to a few good schools, and instead opted for a shitty local college, where her boyfriend is also going to attend next year. Not only do I find that retarded, but pathetic, all jealousy aside. And I told her that, and she didn’t seem like she understood that either.
They’ve been together almost a year, and as they’ve grown closer, Jess and I have grown farther apart. At parties , they have mini-drama episodes; this means in short, that we never get to enjoy the party together because they are freaking out about each other and spending hours alone in a corner talking things out.
I miss my best friend more than anything, especially during my first few months of college. I go to school at NYU,only an hour train ride away from home. Last semester I had a total mental breakdown; I cried every single day, I stopped going to all of my classes, felt lonely and isolated in a bustling unfriendly city, and as a consequence almost failed out. I didn’t tell my parents this for the longest time, but I called Jess almost everyday to rant in madness about absolutely nothing (for a while I was quite literally going crazy with depression and anxiety). Her boyfriend drove up to see her during the week, and stayed with her every weekend. But the one weekend I had free to come visit her, he came too. She knew I was depressed. She knew about my anxieties. And she didn’t even tell me he was coming. I was more confused than pissed.
Now, long weeks later, after I had overcome the worst of my anxieties and worked to apply to other colleges, our talking has slowed rapidly. She never calls me, never texts me, never makes the slightest effort to speak to me unless I initiate the conversation. If we do hang out, she texts him incessantly, and they fall asleep every night together through web cam (which I also find somewhat disturbing).
Pat is the jealous type, and sometimes Jess will mention to me that he feels like she spends more time with me, and that when we’re all together he feels like the third wheel. From my point of view, it sounds like a cry for attention. And GOOD GOD the boy needs attention. He fakes being sick so she’ll feel bad. He sits alone so that she’ll come ask him what’s wrong. He’s a competitive person, so he’s always edging for her attention. I don’t dislike the kid, but what he’s doing to my best friend makes me uncomfortable. She takes the burden of his woes upon herself, like a sponge, and she relishes in the fact that someone needs her so much (although she tends to complain about it). The only time they seem happy is when they’re alone, and I personally don’t find that healthy.
I’m not sure what to do at this point. This situation has helped me grow up enough to realize that I can’t build my world around one best friend, especially one who has always been in a long-term relationship and is extremely devoted and doting towards her male partners. For the first time in my life, I’ve reached out to others around me for friendship, which is a surprisingly pleasant experience. They’ve been dating for a year today, and Jess and I haven’t spoken for over a week, but the sharp pain has slowly subsided to a dull roar. Of course it still bothers me. Of course I still get jealous, but there is nothing I can do about it, and feeling sorry for myself and wanting her to be sorry (and being depressed about their relationship) is not going to change anything. I want her to be happy more than anything, to the point where I feel like I’ve given more than I’ve received. She’s still my best friend, and I want her to stay that way, even if it means a sacrifice of our time together.
In terms of simply “waiting around” for her to realize that I’m still here… well I’m on the fence. Going through her last breakup with her was soo painful, for me and her. It’s hard for me to see her allow herself to get so emotionally tangled in a boy to where she can’t see her way out, can’t see me anymore or anything else that’s important to her future. I know that when they break up, she will be heartbroken. She will need me more than ever, and I am willing to be there for her. Maybe this time she’ll realize that I shouldn’t have to deal with the waxing and waning of her attention to this extreme. Maybe this time I’ll have the courage to help her understand what she’s doing to her future and herself by depending on a boyfriend like this.
Maybe this time, I’ll deal with it and let it be. Maybe I’ll find another best friend, and be all the happier.
As I said, my story comes to no real conclusion, and I’m just as confused about my feelings and her actions as we all seem to be.
Comment by lost — 3/31/2009 @ 8:23 pm
i fink this article has helped me but on the other hand it has confused me my best friend ditched me about 6 months ago nd since then ive seen her 3 tyms. what i dont understand is if your supposed best friend can so easily ditch you for a man y shud you still be there for them because they obvioulsy dont need you anymore. it sounds really nasty but sumtimes i fink i cnt wait for them 2 break up because wen she comes running bk i can shopw her how she made me feel. the bad fing is she bases her life around him now she hangs out wiv his friends only so if they did break up she wud be on her own. anova fing that ennoys me is she is such a big hippocrit for the hole 8 years we have been friends she as always sed i wud neva ditch you for a man well she has it just shows u reli cant trust any1.
Comment by N — 4/5/2009 @ 4:23 pm
Thank you so, so very much! I am seventeen and this is my first time experiencing this with my best friend of four years. We have been through thick and thin and all the sudden we barely even talk. We actually just got into a fight a few hours ago about it for the very first time and I needed to know and you helped me with this article! Thanks again! :) :)
Comment by Jessica — 4/20/2009 @ 9:35 pm
I have to deal with this every single day. I’m in high school and my best friend and her boyfriend are totally in love with eachother. I have lunch with the two of them so usually I sit at a small table with them. I hate sitting with them though because I feel like im intruding on them and she would much rather it just be her and the boyfriend. All lunch period they tickle eachother and giggle and whisper to eachther while I sit on the other side just waiting for her to acknowledge that I’m there. I try to make conversation but I feel like she only wants to talk to him and she’s talking to me just because she feels bad. I would much rather sit with another table, except, I really don’t have many other friends than her. I have tried sitting in the library during lunch period, but I just feel so lonely and depressed when I do that. I think she knows how he is hurting our friendship but only she occasionaly trys to make plans or call. I’m always the one trying to call or text or set up plans so that we don’t drift appart but I’m getting so sick of it. I hate having to put all this effort in and get NOTHING in return besides having to sit across from them at lunch and watch them. I feel so jealous and selfish and I really wish I wasn’t. I hate it. Sometimes I feel like I’m not even happy for her and I wish they would just break up. I know that is a horrible thing to say because she is so happy with him but I wish things were they way they used to be. Just me and her, constantly calling, texting, hanging out. No one would ever get between us, I didn’t really care to have any other friends besides her. The article and so many of the comments say to just hang on, it will be alright soon, but I’m done hanging on. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m so sick of being the 3rd wheel and second best to her. She thinks shes gonna marry him, shes in 10th grade she has no idea what shes talking about. I know shes blind right now and I think if I just put our friendship to rest for a while she will realize the damage she has done to me when the blinders are off and he is gone and so am I. She is loosing all her friends, I’m basically the only one who has stayed by her side through all this and I’m done with it. The only reason this is hard is because I don’t know who else to lean on. But I don’t care I just want to be out of her mess, I’m done dealing with them everyday and constantly being reminded I’m not as important as him. It hurts to be friends with her since 5th grade and know everything about eachother, then suddenly this guy she never knew comes out of nowhere last year and he has taken my spot over our 6 years of friendship. I feel like such a waste of time damnit
Comment by anna — 4/23/2009 @ 4:51 pm
I am so grateful for finding this article. I think that the friends that are doing the ditching are blinded by love and selfish. They have to learn how to balance things in life. This best friend in my case is actually my older sister. I thought that I was crazy for feeling this way. Now I see that I’m not alone. What do you do when it’s your sister? She seems to put this boyfriend first before her family and friends. She spent her 40th birthday with the guy and the next day with him. Didn’t tell anyone where she was. She cancelled on plans with me and a friend because she said she was having a good time where she was. She hasn’t even told anyone about the guy except me. I think she knows that the family wouldn’t approve of him. She is falling for this guy because this is the first guy who has ever said that he cares for her. He’s the opposite of the last boyfriend she had. But I keep wanting to tell her that she’s probably desperate for love. This has cost us our friendship. She says that he helped her out of her past relationship. What have we been trying to tell her for all that time! She didn’t want to listen to us. But this guy she knew for a few months is “the best friend to me more than anyone has been.” You mean that you trust this guy more than friends and family who have been good to you for so many years? Give us some respect. She has this habit of losing herself in relationships. And then she never wants to hear when I have a boyfriend –she only wants to talk about herself. I never have acted this way with her. And her behavior has been annoying to say the least.I thank everyone for the posts. It has been healing for me. I know that I need as a younger sister to find my own friends and worry about my own life. All I can say is to friends out there, when you find yourself without friends one day, you’ll realize it’s because of how you treated them poorly. Be considerate and understanding of your friends. Siblings can have friendships too, so be understanding and communicative.
Comment by Rosemarie — 4/27/2009 @ 10:29 pm
I get the whole jealously and that your not losing your best friend stuff, and that does help me. But i was wondering what if your best friend isnt really flacking on you? in fact she still spends just as much time as usual. however, the problem is that her boyfriend is always there as well. you try to tell her that ‘hey you miss the girl time and the fact that he’s always there is starting to get annoying.’ She understands and agrees that him there does get annoying, but they really havent spent a full day away from each other. the only time that hes not there is if she comes over in the morning before school, and thats probably because hes already at school. i dont want to say to him get lost but it seems like when we both encourage him to get some guy time with his friends plans dont work out. I have no clue what to do anymore and Im getting to the point of telling them both stop hanging out with me. I dont want to be the third wheel, even though i dont fully feel that way, i still dont want to be with them BOTH 24/7. I have no clue what to do anymore could anyone give me some advice?
Comment by Sarah — 5/23/2009 @ 7:37 pm
thank you so much :). I am going through this right now. its not a girlfriend though. its one of my guy friends. i love this kid to death. we “used” to talk all the time. now he is all into his girlfriend. but he doesn’t talk to me at all. like i dont live on this earth to him. he totally forgot about me. he only instant messages me for advice about her. but i want to be mean to him and not help. but ur right thats not the right thing to do. hopefully this will change its been 4 months already and idk if i could take it much longer. i am only 16. thank you so much though :). morgan <3
Comment by morgan — 5/29/2009 @ 7:34 pm
Thanks very much for this article. Reading the responses has made me realise that i’m not alone but this dilema is breaking my heart.
I keep in mind some advice from another friend who told me that we receive the treatment we allow. Confused? If we allow our friends to treat us like rubbish then they’ll keep doing it.
So what do i do? I love my bf to bits but now she has done it once what’s to say she wont do it again? If she was a real friend would she treat me like this? I continue to make all the effort in this relationship but we only ever see each other if her bf is working.
I’m crying my eyes out as i type this because i desperately do not want to lose our friendship but i can’t let this continue,its been 8 months now, i need to move on and make new friends but i don’t want to.
Comment by emja — 6/16/2009 @ 4:18 am
This sucks… My BF recently found someone one and I am happy for her! When they first got together she was always with him. She would be the one to make plans and then she’d cancel on me… I got used to it – to the point where I would already expected it. I never look forward to hanging out and having a girls night because I knew all I’d feel is disappoint when she cancels. Anyway her boyfriend left for the summer and its like we picked up where we left off. I didn’t mind. its new love, shes in love – she deserves it. I shouldn’t be mad at her for being in Love. Anyway we made plans to hangout today go tanning, go to the movies and have a couple of drinks… a fun girls night out. She was supposed to call me after work but never did so 20 minutes before the movie I called to see if she was still wanting to go. Turns out her boyfriend was back in town for a week. I would understand if he was back for a night or two. What gets me the most is that she didn’t call to tell me earlier. I guess I know where I stand. I don’t know, am I overreacting?
Comment by marie — 6/17/2009 @ 12:58 am
thanks for writing this. i’ve actually been the person to do this and i didn’t even realize it at the time. i feel like my friend made it worse by constantly nagging me and telling me how terrible of a person i was. it made me not want to call or talk to her because i knew i would get a lecture. talking to the person is one thing, but if this is happening to you remember that telling the person their a terrible friend isn’t going to make them come back to you.
Comment by amber — 8/5/2009 @ 2:17 pm
to Amber : that us why I’m not saying anything or doing anything for that matter. I’ve decided not to put alot of effort into the friendship. I’m still here if she calls I’ll answer but I won’t initiate any hangout planning – because if she cancels it was her plans anyway even though it does somewhat affect me. She’ll call every couple days and it feels like pity phone calls. How can I still be her friend when she isn’t being a friend anymore, when she isn’t doing her part. When its at her own convenience. What am I doing wrong?
Comment by marie — 8/8/2009 @ 3:45 am
Awww.. really thanks for this.. It enlightened me so much!… I’ll really keep this in mind.. I’ll try to be more patient and understanding to my bestfriend.. :D
Comment by aiah — 8/8/2009 @ 7:33 am
My best friend who i’ve been friends with for about 3 yrs , we used to do EVEREYTHING together now she has her new boyfriend she doesnt care bout hanging with me anymore she is totally being so selfish and we’ve had so many fights over it but nothing has changed she is my only true friend so now i just spend my time at home with my family i am very hurt by all this she just bwont understand my feelings at all :(
Comment by Asho — 8/10/2009 @ 4:06 am
to marie: i agree, you shouldn’t be the only one to put in any effort. it should be from both sides. and your friend should respect you enough to make plans and keep them. however, i was simply saying let your friend (not you in particular, just to everyone) fall in love with this person. you’re their friend, they’ll come back. things will change but they’ll be back. in my case my friend started pushing me 6 weeks into dating the person that i was spending too much time with my new boyfriend when i continually planned one to two nights a week with her plus meeting for lunch during work. i felt i was giving a lot and she disagreed. it kept up to the point where i got so tired of hearing how i was being a bad friend that i didn’t want to talk to her at all. now we hardly speak. sometimes you have to let your friends grow and change and know that they’ll still be there.
Comment by amber — 8/18/2009 @ 1:41 pm
to amber: you are totally right – we had lunch today and talked for 2 hours just like old times and I missed it(just what i needed). Even tho she talked about her BF I saw how important he was to her and how much she loved him. The subject of spending less time with me came up and I told her how I felt. I came to realization that I was just afraid of not being friends anymore. but after today and being able to pick up where we left off at the beginning of the summer was reassuring. I lost faith in our friendship when i shouldn’t have.
Comment by marie — 8/20/2009 @ 1:51 am
to marie: i’m glad things are looking up with your friend. hopefully you’re able to hang out with her more and start to rebuild your friendship.
Comment by amber — 8/21/2009 @ 12:58 pm
thanks for this article it is very helpful but its hard to think that i could ever be happy with this whole situation. my best friend and i spend all our time together and never get tired of it. we both had never had a boyfriend and she never kissed anyone….it was something we always talked about. now i just feel so alone. part of me feels like a lot of the time she goes to hang out with him because she thinks she has too. she also never answers her phone or texts when she is with him even if we have plans after. i feel sad all the time and she knows it but at the same time i dont want her to feel upset. i hope it gets better….i dont know how much more of this i could handle :(
Comment by Dana — 9/12/2009 @ 8:34 pm
I’m not sure how to be the same friend I was now that she has a boyfriend. I think what makes it hard is that I don’t have a boyfriend. They got together at the beginning of the summer right before he had to leave. He came back every couple weeks for a day or two and so I never talked to her while he was around. So hes back been back for 2 weeks already and for good. I called her the first day he got back and I didn’t hear from her till 2 days later. Its basically phone tag. At first i always asked if she wanted to do things but she always had something going on or work.. which is understandable. But recently whenever I call I feel like I’m intruding. It’s either they’re together or shes on her way out the door. Everything we did together she now does with him. I’m not mad but to be honest I am hurt. I knew it was coming…there is just no way to prepare yourself…So I call other friends to do things with but I don’t want her to think I don’t need her anymore.. Because I do and I’m just waiting.. I know the best thing to do is to talk to her but I don’t know how. I dont want her to start calling me again bcause she’s guilty or I don’t know.. but what am I to do?
Comment by Weezy — 9/14/2009 @ 6:41 pm
Dana, I completely know how you feel. My situation is a little bit different though. My best friend has been dating this guy since March. They broke up in July because he was going to college, even though they were already in a long distance relationship, but now they are getting back together. Even though it’s long distance, it’s still incredibly frustrating. Whenever we hang out, she is always texting him, and basically ignoring me. She went to visit him for a month over the summer, and she barely ever talked to me during that month. He is incredible to her, and she is in love with him. I just don’t want them to get back together. I miss my best friend.
Comment by Annette — 9/16/2009 @ 1:31 am
honestly this is the worst advice ever, however i respect your optimism, but your only asking to stick around for something thats not even there.. why when you need her she won’t come around, but you have to be there for her. Thats BULL. Dump the bitch and find stronger friends.
Comment by daria — 9/23/2009 @ 4:57 am
Although this is the most optimistic article I’ve come across on this issue, I’m still not convinced that everything will be okay. My friend and I have been best friends for 5 years, (I’m 18 and she’s 19) and everything was wonderful and I thought we were going to be friends forever until her boyfriend came along. You couldn’t ask for a better guy, example; For her birthday he gave her a CD titled “Our Songs”, a t-shirt from their favorite restaurant, chocolate, a little wooden jewelery box he made himself, a necklace with a pendant he carved himself, and a homemade card. He also gave HER mother roses for mother’s day. They’re crazy about each other and I bet you all the money in the world they’ll be engaged by next year. They’ve been going out for about 7 months now and during that time it’s been like I don’t even exist. At first it was weird for me simply because we both come from very conservative families and neither one of us had ever dated or kissed anyone, (no sex or kissing before marriage, you know, all that stuff.) So just the fact that my friend who is like a sister to me was dating for the first time was weird. I got over that and I understood that for a while that they were going to be in the “honeymoon” phase and that she was going to be focused mainly on him, but come on! She hasn’t even been to my house in 6 months! That’s ridiculous! I moved last year and live an hour away now, but in 6 months you can’t find time to visit your supposed best friend? She always claims that she doesn’t “have time” and that she’s “busy”, but I work too, I do the same activities she does and I have plenty of time for other things, the only difference is the boyfriend. She has abandoned pretty much all her friends for this guy because all she EVER wants to do is be with him and he with her. My mom drove me a total of 4 damn hours on her birthday so I could be with her, I asked her beforehand if she wanted me there because if she was going to be spending time with her boyfriend I didn’t want to intrude. She was all, “Of course I want you over! Why would you think differently?” So I go over there, waited alone for about 2 hours for her to come home from work, and as soon as she walks in the door she’s like, “Hi! Well, I have to go get ready for ____, he’s coming over later.” She takes five years getting ready, so I suggested that she opened the presents I got her now, (I put a LOT of thought in what I get people,) so she rushes through opening them like it was nothing, and then runs upstairs and to get ready for him. She took HOURS, the only time she really talked to me the whole time was asking questions like, “Should I wear this shirt, or this shirt?” Then once he came over they just hung all over each other and she completely ignored me and when she went to leave with him to eat dinner I wanted to take at least one picture of us together on her birthday before she left and she acted like I was bothering her and was taking up time away from him. (It’s 20 seconds to take a picture, that’s not unreasonable.) After that I sort of expected a call with her telling me how the birthday date went and she didn’t contact me at all for over 3 weeks. When I finally did get a hold of her I told her that my feelings were hurt because she had ignored me for 3 weeks and she had a total meltdown and said things like, “If I’m such a sucky friend then why do you even bother with me?” (When I never even said that, I just said how not talking with her made me sad, that’s it, I didn’t even yell at her.) I told her that I loved her and she said, “Well, I’m not buying it.” Then she quickly exited the conversation. She didn’t care that I was upset, she cared that I made HER feel bad.
Even my mom thinks I should just say “Screw it.” She’s not the person I became friends with anymore, she has become so inconsiderate of my and everyone else’s feelings and before I would have gladly taken a bullet for her, but now I’m not entirely sure I would and that bothers the hell out of me. I just want it to be like it was, I miss her so much….
Comment by Grace — 9/28/2009 @ 1:52 pm
Unfortunately… and this is going to hurt, it always does… you just have to realize that some people are weak. One thing to try to realize is that it’s not about you: it’s about her and her insecurities, and her lack of loyalty, and her inconsiderateness. She’s not hanging out with you not because she doesn’t like you anymore. You haven’t done anything wrong. She’s just chasing something to try to fill the hole within herself, try to solve her own esteem issues. I’ve been going through this for months (we are considerably older than high school.. mid to late 30s), and it seems to be slowly getting better, but I still occasionally get those knots in my stomach. Just last night, she invited him to join an activity that just used to be “our thing”… and when I mentioned this alone with her on the drive home from dinner, she got all defensive and said, “Fine, we don’t have to do that anymore.” So, I guess my choices are either let him intrude on something special to the two of us, or don’t get to do it at all. People lose their minds when genitals are involved. :( I hate to sound so crass, but that was as delicate as I could put it.
There is hope, though. We’re going on a couple of trips together out of town over the next six months, and he’s not coming. So, it could be worse. Maybe my situation is becoming fortunate.
I think good advice here is to take care of yourself first and foremost. It’s going to hurt like hell for quite a while, but healing is a process, not an event. It will get better… if just because of passing time. Nurture yourself, find things that make you happy. If you really still care for her regardless of how crappily she’s been treating you, send her little notes now and then, letting her know you still love her and reminding her of the good times you had together. But, don’t make that your focus. Your focus should be YOU. She’ll either come around, or you’ll enjoy nurturing yourself. Either way, you win, and it’s healthier for you in the long run.
Gods, why do I keep coming back to this post? LOL! :)
Comment by Hardsix — 10/18/2009 @ 12:28 pm
I’ll add my comment to the hundreds on here. xD Glad to see that I’m not the only one experiencing this! I love your advice too, Laura. =) My best friend in the whole world was the first person to ever care about me and actually make me feel important, and I was the only person who made her feel that way too. We always kept all the stuff we gave each other…and would even keep pictures of each other on little key chains and stuff. We’re practically sisters! But lately she’s been changing a lot, and I have been staying the same as I always was. Still, we were extremely close, until now. Her mom is pressuring her to do things that I don’t agree with, and I feel that it’s very wrong. I’m sad, because her mom used to be like a second mother in my eyes. Now my best buddy has a boyfriend that her mom got her to meet in the first place. I don’t like him, mainly out of jealousy, but also because he isn’t the type of guy I would personally date. But as you said, I have to remember that it is not my concern. Now I find that all the things I made her are being thrown away, pictures of me are being replaced, and she rarely answers my calls or hangs out…too busy with this guy. I feel like I’m losing a best friend, and a part of my life. I cling to your advice, and hope that our friendship will make it through this. Thank you for giving me hope! :)
Comment by Kai — 11/1/2009 @ 4:56 pm
ohmigosh this article helped me so much! I am 14. My best friend well shes really my cousin, has ditched me for her boyfriend. See she used to come over every weekend and when she started seeing him it stopped she came over on like saturdays fo a few hours, I was fine with that. Then we had an Honor Society concert to go to we had meet and greet and soundcheck passes and everything it was gonna be amaazing, she ditched me for him, she missed that amazing concert to hang with her stupid boyfriend that would very welll be there when it was over. Ok then i let that go, i asked her if she wasnted to come over after school the next day she said sure she had missed me. We dont go to the same school and well i guess in that school day Her boyfriend asked her to hang out, cause the next thing i know her mom is knocking on my door telling me she went to hang with him and she was afraid to tell me. Then I was mad. no i was pissed, furious! so i said to lose my number. Well she got her # changed and i dont have it and honestly i dont want it. We made promises all through our friendship, that a boy would never come between us, i had about 3 boyfriends and i never even let them interfere with our plans now i am single and she has one and i am completly forgotten about. it hurts. more than shell ever know. And we were fighting and she said some hurtful thingss that even if we do become friends again which i think we will cause were family, i wont be able to get those outta my head. Can somebody please tell me what to do.
Comment by Monica Bruno — 11/13/2009 @ 12:13 pm
Happy belated Thanksgiving, everyone. Don’t mean to be a downer, but… don’t cling to hope if it seems unrealistic. I commented last month that things seemed to be looking up for my situation, but that was before the holidays hit. Long story short, she preferred to go out of town to spend it with his family and his friends which are all of a sudden her family and her friends, too, although she’s only met them one other time and they’ve only been dating 4 months. I can’t really chalk her delusions up to anything but self esteem issues, so I have deleted her from my BB after a huge fight and am moving on. A decade of friendship lost, but when someone is in that deep, and won’t listen to reason, you can’t really help them. Try to remember the good times and move on. :/
Comment by Hardsix — 11/28/2009 @ 1:14 am
you’ll get over it eventually. I thought I’d never but I did! Looking back I feel stupid feeling the way i did. I still consider her as one of my BFF because of our history but i barely see her and we work at the same place. It doesn’t bother be anymore. FIND NEW FRIENDS or HANG OUT WITH DIFFERNT PEOPLE tht helps alot
Comment by been there — 12/12/2009 @ 4:36 am
I cannot disagree more with this article as not everyone who gets a boy/girl friend would treat their existing friends with such disloyalty. The uncomfortable truth is that your friend doesn’t think of you as much as you do them. They maybe people that use friends as a substitute for a partner. So, when a partner comes along, the friend you thought you had becomes an incredibly selfish, fickle person that traded a friendship of maybe many years for someone they just met, which is a terrible thing to do. Thoroughly shameful.
Comment by Craig — 12/13/2009 @ 10:43 pm
Craig…
Nice to see a guy’s point of view. And you hit the nail on the head. I agree with you 100%. And that’s what hurts. I’ve been replaced, my feelings being pulled in multiple directions. She’s still got a hold on my heart… just today I decided to do something nice and get her a card and a gift for Christmas. I was feeling like that was a good, selfless thing to do until later I found out she spent the day watching Christmas specials with him which she called stupid when I asked her to watch them with me last year, and then watching football which she HATES… but now all of a sudden she likes it because he does. She has no identity of her own and I think I was just convenience. I’m having a hard time getting over this. Hardest thing EVER.
I was a convenient substitute. God that hurts, but I think it’s the truth.
Comment by Hardsix — 12/14/2009 @ 12:11 am
The truth is he/she aint about shit if they are treating your friendship like they were killing time while they waited for something to come along.
Comment by Brianna — 12/21/2009 @ 8:00 pm
Not always true I’m afraid.
Comment by Imogen — 12/22/2009 @ 7:17 pm
(Hit post before I was ready :-/)
It is great advice but it depends what your friend is like. My “best friend” has ditched me for three different boy friends in this year alone. At first I thought it was the guy then I realised it was her. You know you have been forgotten when she starts thinking, talking and writing about him. She hardly ever speaks to any of her friends any more and when she does she either gets him over and the conversation is interrupted because neither of them can get; “Go away we we’re talking that’s so rude we would never do that to you” through their brains.
If your friend ditches you and you like we did tell her how you feel and she still doesn’t change than make new friends. Move on and don’t beat yourself up about it. Trust me I spent far to much time doing that to myself this year and I felt bad every time I told her she was being mean. But honestly if a best friend picks a boy over you then they aren’t a best friend but a friend and not a great one at that.
Comment by Imogen — 12/22/2009 @ 7:22 pm
I was reading your article, and it makes alot of sense, but I would have to disagree. Your best friend should always come before the boyfriend.. don’t forget that your best friend was there and always has been, the way I see it, guys come n go, ur best friend is always by ur side, even though they maybe mad at first, but u know they will come around in time. Ur best friend is like ur other half, I strongly believe that, its like the sister or brother god forgot to give you. So they sent them in a different my best friend and I have been best friends for 8yrs, and we fight like cat n dog sometimes lol.. but we always get over it, even tho were mad at firs, but we always pull through it jus shows ur comfortable tellin anything to ur best friend, even if they don wanna hear it or not. it jus shows how strong a true friendship can really be. Take my advice if it happens to you, take a time out, some time to cool down than talk things out. enough said Treenz
Comment by Trina K — 12/22/2009 @ 9:55 pm
Just because this MIA phenomenon is “normal”- it happens to everyone, it doesn’t excuse your best friend’s actions. It’s true that you guys may remain best friends in spirit but in reality, they have a poor way of showing your friendship. It’s not on a same level as before: the boyfriend/girlfriend takes first priority for all social events. If all relationships could be rank by your friends’ commitment to you, you will always be a friend below her new boyfriend/girlfriend. So you are replaced on the friendship ladder. Secondly, your best friend is a flake when she is refusing to spend time with you as promised- this is the definition. Why? Cuz the new best friend takes priority. As a general rule for all friendships, if they flake out for non emergency reasons, they’re not taking you and your friendship seriously; this is not how best friends treat each other. Third, you have the right to voice your concern whenever you feel your old friendship is being abused i.e. changes to how things used to be. Things should change but if things are, you’re being replaced. Lastly, even if they return to you, it’s not because they chose you first but because “he’s not as wonderful as all that”; you were the only and second choice by default. What does that say about your friendship? In conclusion, your old relationship with your best friend is being replaced by a newer relationship which takes priority, and this negatively affects the old ways. Ask yourself, do you want to continue the old friendship even though you know you may get hurt? Can you accept that you’ll have second priority? What is the definition of friendship for you and are they violating this definition? @author: just because this MIA event happens to everyone, neglecting any friend emotionally and timely is not okay. Being a nominal friend in spirit is just that, words aren’t enough.
Comment by tom — 12/26/2009 @ 12:57 pm
so my friend and I have been best friends since we were in elementary school. It has always been us, the dynamic duo as we were called. Now we are in college and have stayed friends. She is living at home and I am across the state at college. When I come home I am always reaching out to her because I miss her and want to see her, considering I see her only on breaks during the year. She continues to say shes busy but she is always just with her boyfriend of one year. I understand that time with your boyfriend is needed for I have been in a relationship for 3 years. This has been going on a long time and I have never said anything to her. The only thing that stops me from saying anything is the fact that she will once in a while respond to my efforts and we will get coffee. The only downfall is she will stay for about an hour and then she says she has to leave. And each time its because of her boyfriend. I dont want to sound jealous or controlling of her but when she sees her boyfriend everyday and her best friend for only an hour a couple times a year, it hurts. I have wanted to say many things to her but I just cant. I guess I’m waiting for the day that she will see the light, but some tell me I should just stop trying and she will come back to me when she realizes our friendship.
Comment by lily — 12/26/2009 @ 1:46 pm
So I’m over it. At least I thought I was. One of my bestest friend and I haven’t been talking much. She’s busy with her life. I’ve been keeping busy with school and work and friends but it seems that every once in a blue moon time she calls we chat for a bit and make plans to catch up and it never happens, somethings come up for whatever reason. Shouldn’t I be over it by now, shouldn’t i just not care, or believe what she says. I don’t even know her anymore and i don’t think she knows me either. I want to keep in touch with her but not if i’m only going to be let down everytime.
Comment by over it — 1/6/2010 @ 5:02 am
thank you so much i really needed this a lot i am 17 – 18 and this is happening i feel the way you said hurt-jalousie-alone shes the only person i can ever talk to now i am scared she’ll never be here …. and only talks about him aswell THANK YOU! i will do my best to follow your advice i dont wanna lose a friend so dear to me
Comment by shell — 1/8/2010 @ 10:42 am
My best friend did this to me this summer. Now we like hate each other. At least strongly dislike. And i definately hate her boyfriend. Well the same thing happened a little bit earlier with my now best friend and my ex best friend. My ex best friends name is karlee. and my new best friend is alisha. well alisha karlee and i all used to be best friends but me and alisha both favored karlee over one another. well now that karlee did this to both of us, we are best friends. i’m afraid that alisha’s about to do this to me with her boyfriend but i doubt it considering she knows how much it hurts. well i also realized that karlee was a jerk of a best friend. she wasn’t even worth being friends with. and i’ve grown up and matured since i stopped being friends with her but i do miss times we’ve spent together and i do miss being her friend but i’ve gotten over it and accepted it and i like my life more now. also i’ve started feeling better about myself. i used to be really self concious and i still an self concious but no where NEAR at much. im a girl and girls at just naturally self concious lol. well there are ups and downs to it but if it’s happened, its happenend, and if you know its unchangable, you just let it be and live your life is what i’ve learned. drama is not worth it so just leave it alone =)
Comment by Taylor — 1/11/2010 @ 4:49 pm
I am glad I found this article. I have quite a different situation from what I have read. I am a woman and my best friend is a guy. He is gay. He has been in some long distance relationships and I was by his side when he finally left his partner. Right before christmas he began communicating with a guy I used to hang out with in the younger days. I thought this was cool at first because I knew the guy. It is now week 3 into their relationship. I have not stayed at my best friend’s house overnight ever since because the new boyfriend has stay overnight with him every night with the exception of 2 nights.
It is very uncomfortable. When I do go to visit, I find myself alone for some short periods of time while they go into another room to do some heavy flirting. Come on! What the hell am I suppose to say when they come back? If I don’t say anything then I look as though there is something wrong. If I do say something, I am thought of as being jealous.
Anyway, I am now dealing with it and finding out things about me as well. I have advice to others as well. Move on! Still be there for your friend when you can. Keep yourself busy. Keep contact with your best friend. They are still there if they really are your best friend or if you are their best friend.
Another thing, humans generally enjoy sex! Your best friend cannot give you the enjoyable sex. Your best friend has found someone to be sexual with, to kiss, snuggle, touch, and so on. Be happy for them, be there for them if it does not work, be there for them if it’s meant to be. Sometimes you may find out things about your best friend that you didn’t know before and will cause damage to the relationship. It’s a learning experience!!!
I know now that I can only be my own true best friend. That’s true happiness for me. I also have faith in my best friend in that if I truly need him, he will be there. I also know that if my best friend truly needs me, I will always be there because he has been for me!
One more thing to remember with the ups and downs of life….”A life is not worth living if you are not living your life!”-idk
Keep those heads up, as mine is gradually looking up too :-)
Comment by Lisa — 1/13/2010 @ 8:47 pm
wow these words are so deep its like your talking about me and my best friend with her “dates” yea i was gonna get mad and yell in her face when she broke up cuz i saw that coming and she never listend and kept neglecating me for the jerk..but year later a new jerk in the house and all this is starting all over again .. Thanks for the advices Really helped and will help hopfully
Comment by BrokenSoul — 3/10/2010 @ 1:21 pm
I really appreciate this article. Right now I’m the flake who keeps blowing off her friends but to tell you the truth I didn’t think it was that noticeable. I still feel as close to them as ever but apparently they don’t. I don’t feel the need to hang out with them to feel close because we’ve known each other for so long. This why I didn’t see the intervention notes coming. I love the fact that my bff was able to tell me that she thought (along with everyone else to chicken to say it to my face) that my boyfriend and I were being too close in school. I attempted to fix it but I can tell now it went back to the way it was. Today she wrote a note (because she stopped speaking to my yesterday) and had my friends sign it, saying that she was done putting up with being second best to my boyfriend. I really wanna make it up to her and them so if anyone has any suggestions I’ll take them in with an open mind. thanks
Comment by DeannaKay — 3/12/2010 @ 4:21 pm
thanks. my bff kayla just recently got a boyfriend and i hate’em. when she’s over my house she is texting and calling him which is really rude and im tried of it.
Comment by mckenzie — 3/26/2010 @ 7:23 pm
Thank you so much, it is a little late for me though, meaning it is too late to say anything and we have already drifted apart. When we do see one another its… awkward and weird. IT’s like I don;t know her anymore – she’s so different! Her and her BF have been dating for at LEAST two years now, and I like the guy – he’s real nice – but everytime I hang out with them I become the third wheel. And now I have a new friend (who i guess could be called my best-friend) and when she hangs out with us she complains that she is now the third wheel. A bit of me kinda is pleased with this thought, as I think ‘hah! surves you right’ but then i feel horrible for thinking it. She and I had such great, stupid times together and now it is like our failing friendship is all my fault. I feel I should say ‘sorry I’ve been weird lately – it’s all my fault’ but then that’s not true, this all began with her. I can not say now ‘You are hurting my feelings – you are ditching me for your boyfriend’ because she doesn’t anymore – she hardly ever sees him (long distance relationship now). Though, none the less, we are still drifting appart. She acts all fake around me and I act awkward. I don’t want to lose her as a friend. Ever. We where like sisters, I could tell her all my secrets… but now I can not bring myself to tell her any. Maybe if i do open up to her again things will get better? Who knows.
Comment by Liz — 3/29/2010 @ 6:42 pm
thank u this really helped me alot :)
Comment by kimberly spencer — 4/11/2010 @ 12:57 pm
I don’t think it’s okay to ditch your best friends ever especially when they have helped you out countless times through thick and thin. This is happening to me right now and I’m not happy about it. How hard is it to pick up the phone? I have done everything for this girl and to blow me off is just not right. I’m very happy that she found someone and is happy, of course I am but there’s no reason not to even call once in a while. You don’t do that to your friends. I’ve had boyfriends and have never done that to my friends. It’s not right. It just makes me not want to be nice to people or help anyone out anymore.
Comment by Just not right — 4/26/2010 @ 9:50 am
I do have another best friend who I’ve known since grade school. She was married at 19 and had a child at 20. She never once blew me off or treated me any differently after she got married than she always has. I am still very close with her, her husband is also my friend, I am Godmother to her son and never would she even think of blowing me off. Keeping your friends is not hard to do and you should never take it for granted just because Mr. Wonderful came along.
Comment by Just not right — 4/26/2010 @ 10:02 am
I also agree with “Just not right”.
Why should you be there for her when she breaks up with her boyfriend? If she ditches all of her friends for her boyfriend she doesn’t deserve to be comforted when he leaves, she should face the consequences of what she has done, or how will she ever learn how to be a good friend? Why should her happiness be more important than her best-friend’s loneliness? I won’t let people play around with my feelings like that. In a friendship both have to take part, there can’t just be one of you who calls and wants to hang out.
Being in love is not an excuse to be an ass to your loyal best friend. And I think anyone who ever ditches her friend totally for a boyfriend deserves to end up lonely so she can suffer the pain she caused her best friend.
It’s okay if she wants to hang out with her boyfriend more, but to ditch her friend EVERY weekend for a boyfriend, and pretty much just hang out with her friend when her boyfriend can’t… real friends just don’t do that.
I know what it’s like to lose a best friend to a boyfriend, you are happy for her at the same time as you want to punch her in the face for being such a bad friend.
Comment by Someone — 5/10/2010 @ 11:46 am
Well i can relate to thiss all too well….i am currently in this situation…..my best friend n i live 2geva n have done for 8mnth…i moved in with her and her boyfriend n there was rows but nothing major( but she was ill and he often lied to her and broke his word and they often rowed n i had to pick up the pieces)….then few month ago he left her n walked away and for 2month i was her everything, i never did a thing on my own……now hes come back down wormed his way back into her life and i feel so hurt pushed out n lonley, i myself have a boyfriend whom i lv very much and love to spend tym with (but my friends r important to me i n tht wen lads walk away frirnds will be there for life)…..but i feel now that even tho she doesnt make plans with me and ditch me, she jus dosnt bother makin plans at all……its him and her all the tym, oh no i do get wa a hour maybe wi her some nights wen he goes home, but tht makes me feel usd tht m good enough wen hes gone ad wen theres ever any issues its him she texts not me(lyk the oher night he bascially told her 2 choose n tht n he wlked outt house i followed him bt she text him sayin dnt walk away n this n tht n me nah i neva gt a txt r nowt n wen i told her i shud go bk 2 live at mi mms she was like if its wat u want) This hurt and pain is breakin my heart…….now theres alot of silly issues between us all and things r difficult, i last night told her i am gonna look for my own place its not wat i wnt n it wil break my heart n i iwl miss he rlyk crazy…………but i cnt see another choice……i have tried bein wi other friends n things bt i stil miss her……..i feel horrible for it ll but dont no wa else 2 do xxxxx
Comment by Abby — 5/13/2010 @ 5:32 am
It’s nice to see others feel the same way (hurt, sad and lonely) when you get dumped for a man. My bf and I are both in our late 50’s and have been friends for 15 years. All of a sudden she’s decided she wants to find someone and get married again (after 30 yrs). Well 3 months ago she found someone and now I am feeling lonely, depressed, miserable and neglected. She was very independent, strong willed, smart, a business owner and now this. What gives – did being single and getting old frighten her all of a sudden?
Comment by Lonely — 5/13/2010 @ 10:06 pm
This article and reading all the posts has really helped me to realize more and more how to get over the pain of losing your best friend.
My best friend and I used to be inseperateable, we did absolutely everything together and we lived in the same apartment. It got really complicated when she started to date this married guy who also has a young child. My friend would tell me that they were just friends with benefits but I knew better. Now 9 months later that they have fallen in love yet he still lives in the same house as his wife and child.
He has done things to her in the past such as coming over to my apartment, having sex with my best friend then telling her the morning afterwards that he wanted to try and work out things with his wife. It has gotten to the point where I refuse to see him. I don’t know if this is wrong of me but I tried giving him a chance even knowing he’s married. He does things, including not being so nice to me (He made fun of me getting laid off two days after it happened) that make me not want to be around him at all. Everytime he comes into the scene there is an issue and I usually am fighting with my friend after. Why would I want to be around someone who I know is having an affair, isn’t nice to me, and has not been nice to my friend in the past? I have told her my opinion of him before and sometimes she agrees but she still pursues the relationship. What I tell her goes in one ear and right out the other. One day he texted me on my cell phone at 1am to wake up my friend because he was right outside the door. Neither of us woke up but the next morning I texted him back to not text me anymore. She took his side in the situation and said that his feelings were hurt when I said that. She knows that I don’t like him, why couldn’t she just tell him that?
A few months ago my friend moved out of the apartment cause she couldn’t afford to pay the bills anymore. For a while it was like she never moved out because she stayed with me almost everyday and night. She didn’t really even move out of the apartment in a sense, just moved her items out of the room. Since things have gotten more intense with her married boyfriend I start to see her less and less. Thats fine, I accept that shes going to spend more time with him and she still finds time to spend with me too. I am happy in that aspect. However since I told her that I just didn’t want to see him she has been lying and sneaking around with him. I think she almost likes the secret relationship behind it. Just last night she asked me to hang out with her but she didn’t get to my apartment until after 11 and claimed that she drove a co-worker home. Later she slipped up and stated something about having a drink earlier which I know was with her married boyfriend and thats why she was so late. I didn’t call her on the lie. It seems like our friendship is so fragile that in doing so she would get angry and not care to completely ditch me because she has her married boyfriend to fall back on. Then (as stupid as it sounds) She updates her facebook status on her phone while shes laying next to me with ‘where did my happiness go :(‘. It made me so upset last night when I think I realized for the first time that I’m about to lose my best friend. I cried while she was sleeping for the first time in over a year. This emotional person is not me, I don’t usually get this upset over friendships or even over a boyfriend.
Her married boyfriend is getting an apartment tomorrow and I am pretty sure I will never see her, she might text every once in a while but my best friend will be gone and I don’t feel like theres anything I can do about it. She’s fallen for a guy who might treat her decent now but if he can cheat on his current wife he can cheat on my friend.
I am so broken over this that I can’t focus at work, and I can’t even sleep anymore. I am at a lost what to do, I’ve never had this happen before and I don’t feel like I can have a sit down conversation with her about it because she will either deny that she has been lying to me about him or she will just run. I miss being able to talk to her without her married boyfriend always being an issue but I just don’t think I can accept him, he’s completely a snake in sheep’s clothing. It just hurts so much right now and I literally feel like I’m falling to pieces. I allowed myself to become too attacted to one person and I will never make that mistake ever again.
Comment by Kate — 5/14/2010 @ 11:04 am
So. I’m here in the same boat as many other people, and I thought that may bring some comfort to my situation…but it doesn’t. I let my best friend of 6 years become a big part of my life…and in return shes forgotten me. I’ve been in a “funk” for three months now. Sometimes things are great with my friend, and others I’m constantly reminded that its not the same. Do I have a breaking point? I’m wondering how much more I can take. My best friend that i care about finds a new way to hurt my feelings every day! Can I forgive? But wait…she wont ask for forgiveness? What do I do? Leavve her behind…and then hurt myself more? Or stick it out? Im caught in between and holding on for dear life…but how much can I take of her nonsense. I am a best friend and hopefully a good one…but what about her???
Comment by maybe one day ill understand... — 5/14/2010 @ 1:33 pm
My best friend has been doing this for months. She met this guy last year and they were just friends. even then she stopped talking to me as much and I was like okay that fine we still talk everyday. But then after I came back from a vacation he suddenly broke up with his girlfriend and got with her. She used to talk to me like every few days but now it’s never. The few times that I’m with her she just ends up on the phone with him and goes in a different room leaving me alone for hours. If I drove myself there after so long I just say I have to go and leave. We were like sisters for so long and now it’s ended up like this? When I’ve needed her the most she’s off on the phone with him so I just sit here and try to help myself. An old friend of mine did this years ago and we are no longer friends but my best friend now hated her and said that she was so stupid for doing that and she would never be the same like her. Well guess what she did. I don’t know if I should wait around and see if it will get better or just give up and force myself not to care anymore…
Comment by Danielle — 5/15/2010 @ 11:01 pm
hey danielle, i totally understand what youre going through,exactly what im feeling right now. wondering if i should hold on or let it go. but in my case, i learn to let it go. i just and still miss the old her. the new her sucks. i still do love her though, the old her that is.
Comment by hannah — 5/16/2010 @ 12:30 pm
It sucks. I’m going through it for the first time. My guy bff is friends with my girl bff’s girlfriend (yeah, she’s gay.) It drives me insane. They stay at her house every weekend, visit her after school, my girl bff lies to her mum about where she’s going, because she doesn’t know she’s gay. I never get invited anywhere, I feel like such a reject, her girlfriend is ALL she talks about, and I want to start hanging with other people, but they’ll be like OH MY GOD why are you being such a bitch!?! I don’t think I’m jealous, not even close, but I really feel like giving both of them a taste of their own medicine, even though I love them to bits, you know? And for some reason, I can’t bring myself to tell her how I feel. I’m just so upset, I’m crying while I’m writing this. It’s quite embarrasing too, considering she got a girlfriend before I could get a boyfriend (even though her girlfriend is a totall dodge as catch). I feel so unwanted ):
Comment by Justice — 5/28/2010 @ 5:11 am
this has helped a ton! this has recently happened to me and then my bestfriend decided to tell me that i was always a douchebag to her ex who called me a bitch and everything and she made me apologize to him but then he didnt say anything to me about being a douche to me and now they are talking everyday and i really dont like him. i said im sorry so shes happy but what i dont get is that she accused me of it but then she pisses him off everyday and i dont say anything to her about the way she treats him.
Comment by shelby — 5/29/2010 @ 11:13 pm
Im sorry, but I completely disagree with this article. How does it help exactly? Right now, Five, yes five im not even exaggerating, are in relationships. and you know what? they all ignore me. whenever im around they dont even bother to acknowledge my existence.. even when there ‘boyfriends’ arent there.. its like couples only talk to other couples now..
so, im just like fuck you. i dont really care if they still want to be my friend, there certainly not acting that way.
i hate what guys do to them they’ve all changed for their boyfriends, for the worse. they have all lost their spark and now their fucking boring.
Comment by julie — 6/6/2010 @ 2:52 am
This sucks. Its the first time its ever happened to me. I am 13 and my best friend keeps ditching me or bringing her bf along whenever we wanna hang out. She finally drew the line at the point where tomorrow (July 9th) is my birthday and we were going to hang out but she got an invite to go to her bf’s grandpa’s trailer for the day…this really upset me because I know it’s a big deal to go to meet family and stuff but it’s my birthday and hers was the week before and I got there early like she asked and got her a present that was $40+ and I wanna say so much to her right now, but this article helped me on what not to say because I have a lot of anger/hurting right now.
Comment by kristy — 7/8/2010 @ 9:34 am
I wish I would’ve read this before I said some things I didn’t mean about my friends boyfriend:/ because literally now its like that choice between keeping your boyfriend and having to ditch your bestfriend because he hates me, or dumping the boyfriend so you can keep your bestfriend…..nuts.
Comment by Kristyn — 7/8/2010 @ 3:14 pm
I fucking hate my bestfriend now. I live in G.A and all she cares about is her boyfriend. He lives across the street :( And they did EVERYTHING together now /: And they make out! Especially when they sneak out at night. This happened to me when I was 12. Now im 13. They broke up about 3 times. Now this is the longest relationship ever. Whenever he wasn’t around she would call me or text me and ask me to come over. We would hang out almost everyday. I haven’t seen her in 2 months. Almost 3 now… I can’t wait till I move! I won’t feel sorry for her when that bitch gets pregnant. That will just get me even more mad and then I will cuss her out. I swear I will. She don’t know my temper. He hates me and I hate him. And now I hate her too.
Comment by Marlee — 7/23/2010 @ 10:52 am
OKAY I STRONGLY DISAGREE with this article right now!! I go to church and so does my best friend or so called friend im not going to name that persons name. But, she has a boyfriend… OMG I HATE HIM!! They are going out now and its almost been 3 MONTHS NOW!! They broke up about 3 times now. He lives across the street from her.. And this is the reason why he goes out with her: 1:WELL DUH HE LIVES ACROSS THE STREET FROM HER! Thats the ONLY reason why he likes her. If she moved to Perry, he would dump her! 2:Yeah he has told her some personal things about him but SO WHAT!? Then that means that he can get closer to her and they start making out. He’s trying to step up to the next level but she cannot see that now because she thinks she’s in love. 3:They are BOTH starting high school EXCEPT they are going to different high schools BUT he might not like her anymore because there are ALOT of pretty girls at school and I mean ALOT! So there is a chance he will break up with her for another pretty girl. BUT WAIT!! His girlfriend lives across the street. So when he does his next move and this is his next move.. SEX WHICH GOES INTO PREGANCY at a young age and then goes for another girl. So heres my point.. She doesn’t need me anymore. And when I read this article I got even angrier because she will see me as her bestfriend anynmore. She will not come running up to me when they break up. Idc if im jealous or not I just don’t want them to be together bc they are not right for each otehr
Comment by Sydney — 7/24/2010 @ 11:43 am
My best friend ALWAYS goes MIA when she gets a new boyfriend. We were so excited to have her come back from Canada, but when she did, she hardly called me nor texted me nor made ANY contact at all. I didn’t want to take away her time with her boyfriend either so I tried not to be too persistent. We planned a trip together as well, which was supposed to be just me and her. Now HE’S coming too, and she never even told me until I asked about it. I just always end up hurt and jealous when she gets a new boyfriend. She becomes so obsessive with him, and starts to ignore me.. it really sucks because I only see her once a year and she means the world to me!! (We’ve been best friends since childhood). She’s been with this guy almost every single day now. I’m so shattered… but this article really helped. Thanks for explaining it all. I just have to absorb it now.
Comment by Jane — 8/6/2010 @ 3:43 am
It’s amazing how this problem seems so universal… no matter how old you are, and no matter whether you’re a guy or a gal. I’m just going through this for the first time myself, and I’m pushing 30. My best friend and I have been joined at the hip for the past 5 years or so. We’re roommates… best buds… even closer than sisters. She hasn’t had a boyfriend in a long time, but now she’s dating again seriously for the first time since I’ve known her… and it SUCKS! I feel so jealous and anxious all of the time.. wondering how her “boyfriend” will change our relationship. She’s not even serious with the guy yet, but I feel like it’s probably heading in that direction. It’s just so hard to go from being someone’s #1 to #2 so quickly. I’m so used to doing everything with her, and now there’s this “intruder” taking up her time. I’ve dated some guys in the time that I’ve lived with my best friend, but nothing really serious. But.. she’s a bit older than me, and probably wanting to settle down… so I can’t help but wonder if our time together is drawing to a close… if she won’t need me anymore. It’s like living in agony. I just want things to go back to normal, even though that’s selfish of me. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but it’s comforting to know that there are so many people out there who feel the same way.
Comment by Jane — 8/11/2010 @ 4:32 pm
I cannot believe the amount of comments regarding this topic!I am 29 going on 13. I had been best friends with my wayward counterpart since I was 7!They met two years ago.She changed her religion, political views, and her entire personality.She also moved across the country and I have not spoken to her in months.I wonder: is this really what true love does to a girl? Or is this the product of a controlling relationship? I myself am guilty of this same crime from time to time. However, I would like to think that as an adult I have learned to make room for my friends. No matter what. Aside from that, having your own friends outside of your relationship seems to keep things healthy. You stay “you” and not “us”. I like being me. Her now husband despises me. They have a child together as well. Will she ever come back from this land of “love”?. How long will it take? Surely this is not the product of true love. Really? I miss the girl I once knew very much. And I admit it. I am bitter about it. I am feeling very thirteen…
Comment by Betti — 8/14/2010 @ 3:30 am
You’re either a complete idiot, or a complete doormat if you believe in all the bullshit this article’s taught you. When you’re in a relationship, it is NOT alright to keep people at your beck and call. YOU MAKE TIME. If you don’t know how, it simply means you’re not ready to handle the big responsibility of being in a relationship. I have a wonderful husband, but I make sure I see my best friend at least 2 times a week. And I’VE NEVER EVER DITCHED OR CANCELED ON HER just because of my husband. Do you ditch your husband when you have kids? Same goes here. YOU DON’T DITCH YOUR BEST FRIEND OF GOD-KNOWS-HOW-MANY-YEARS JUST BECAUSE YOU’VE FOUND SOMEONE NEW & FASCINATING. You treat them as equally important in your life. Those who fail miserably at this are just sending you an underlying message: “YOU’RE JUST NOT THAT IMPORTANT IN MY LIFE.” So, the question is.. do you still want to be a doormat to someone who doesn’t even acknowledge your importance? If you answer is yes, you have a very serious case of low self-esteem. Go seek professional help.
Comment by Sara — 8/29/2010 @ 9:28 am
Sometimes I wonder if I expect too much from my friends and if I should only depend on myself. I am nearly 30 years old. If I make plans with a friend, I stick to it. If something serious comes up, I let them know ASAP. Unfortunately I don’t get the same in return. Yesterday, my friend and I made plans to go have a drink tonight. She texted me today, saying she has so much homework to do and can’t get behind, low on money, whatever. I said cool, how about we go walking after our college classes. She said she really can’t get behind on homework. I’m like alright, how about we hang out for a few before you go home after our classes. She then admitted that she was with this guy she’s seeing at a sporting event and ditched class to do it. She has been freaking out about her classes and homework and I don’t want to hear it anymore if this is going to be the case. It hurt my feelings and made me feel unimportant. She missed my birthday b/c she went out of town with this guy to a concert. I love her and I like him, but it just makes me feel like I don’t really matter. I don’t sell out on my friends for a guy. I am too loyal. Whoever I made plans with first is who I hang out with.
PS I’m with Sara all the way.
Comment by Ditched — 9/2/2010 @ 9:03 pm
That’s all fine and well but what about when your “BFF” doesn’t see you but regularly makes time to hang out with the other “BFF” because that BFF has a boyfriend too and they can double date.
Now she’s back in my life because she broke up and the guy was truly an a$$hole so it is hard not to be there.
But everytime it happens, eventually the resentment starts to build. I guess I put friendship above all else including finding a husband (lol) and she does it in reverse.
Recently I’ve been wondering if I haven’t had too high expectations, why make a thing when I really am happy just to hear from this friend, even if I should care. It made me wonder, once you’re friends, especially for a long time, is there such a thing as “unconditional like”?
But my gut tells me that you make the time for the people who are important to you. Especially in your late 20’s & early 30’s when by now after several failed relationships you should realize maybe there’s a problem with your priorities.
Truth is, I knew she hadn’t changed much because she picked the same type of guy and it failed again…you can’t start picking right until you change yourself. Since I know she hadn’t changed, then I am a fool to expect she would behave differently with me. I thought I could live within those lowered expectations but I don’t think that is a healthy pattern to continue with new people I am wanting to getting to know.
Is it unreasonable to want a circle of friends that resembles in someway the friendships of the girls in Sex and the City? Think about it, there’s a reason that show was so popular and it wasn’t because of the sex and neverending boyfriend/husband search.
Comment by Jess — 9/5/2010 @ 4:49 pm
Sara- you are so right. It’s really true that men will come and go, but true friendships will last forever. Any woman who doesn’t realize that stands to lose one of the most important and meaningful relationships in her life. It’s all about balance. It’s NOT OK to cancel plans with a friend to hang out with a boyfriend. Ever. The person who has stood by you through years of ups and downs does not deserve to be pushed to the backburner just because there’s a new boyfriend on the scene.
Comment by Jane — 9/22/2010 @ 9:50 am
This article was great. Honestly, my best friend is a guy and I’ve liked him since the first day i met him. As we turned into best friends, we started spending a ton of time together, and he started to like me too, but we decided we didn’t want to mess up our friendship. Over the summer we hung out almost every day (as best friends) but now he’s met a new girl and she takes up all his time. I know I shouldn’t be upset by this, because she is really good for him, but truth be told I miss him alot. But this article reminded me that i have to move on. THANKS!
Comment by olivia — 9/26/2010 @ 10:50 am
What about when that best friend of 15 years ditches your bridal shower for a guy?
Comment by Erin — 11/10/2010 @ 6:18 am
hey my bff and me are 12 and she has a new boyfriend and wheever i’m with them brianna spnds all her time with her boyfriend and whenever i say hi or something she doesn’t even budge and she just keeps on talking to her bf. but even though i want to scream and cry with pain, i stay quiet because i love my best friend to death and i would never do that to her. help me pleeeeeease!!!!
Comment by megan — 11/10/2010 @ 6:43 pm
Thank you very much this actually helped me understand the situation reading it from on outsiders point of view. I would probably be the same way if the roles were reversed! Thanks for taking the time to post something like this for people like me ha
Comment by Alex — 11/29/2010 @ 7:30 pm
I agree with sara. I’m studying overseas and became best friends with this girl in year 1. Sometime in year 2 she got a boyfriend (they’ve been together for about half a year now), and basically I just feel like an outcast. It sucks even more because she’s one of the few close friends I’ve got here; and I just feel so lonely and lost at times. I don’t even know who to ask out for dinner or to the movies sometimes. That’s how pathetic my life has been. She has been spending all the time with her boyfriend, and brings him along to every gathering we have with friends. We hardly spend any time alone together anymore. I’d admit that he’s a great guy and all, but that doesn’t mean she can just ditch friends ‘cos of a guy? If it’s a couple of times, I can stil accept that; but when she starts doing it constantly, it really pisses me off. I guess I’ve been too dependent on that one friend.. and if anything I’ve learnt that you shouldn’t put all your eggs in one basket.. some friendships just don’t last forever. I feel like I don’t even have to care about her ‘cos whenever she has problems she can simply run to her boyfriend. =/
Comment by penny — 12/6/2010 @ 10:46 am
I agree with the previous post & with Sara. It’s NOT okay to ditch your best friend when you have plans & then they have to change last minute because he changed his plans. I have a boyfriend.. I’m pissed at my best friend. It’s like I rearrange my plans to hang out with her, but then when I ask to do something she has to bring her guy with? like WTF? Are you kidding? Like you can’t go anywhere with out him? I don’t get that. Why do people act like that? I am used to her pushing me away when she is involved but it’s getting bothersome & annoying. I’m ready to just say screw it, I don’t want to be her best friend anymore, it’s actually really not worth it anymore. I have a boyfriend, but I also do have a life w/out him. We have our separate time with our friends as well. Her boyfriend seems like a jerk but that’s in my eyes & the way they connected I’m not going to share but whatever. I simply won’t want to be there if this relationship doesn’t work out for her. Then this other time I asked her if she wanted to go out for drinks with some friends (girl night out) & she stated no. Guess what? She went out with her guy & I was out talking & she comes up & says hello & I’m like wow you show up & come say hi? I walk away. She asks if I’m mad at her & I said what do you think? I’m like I ask you to go out with the girls for drinks which was a night w/out the guy & you say no cuz you have to work in the AM & then you show up with your guy? I’m like it’s pretty obvious I know where our friendship stands & then she’s like it’s not like that. I’m like whatever this isn’t the first time you lied to me & again I walk away. She’s like I’m sorry but he decided that he wanted to go out to the bar, I’m like I know right, the same bar I asked you to come to right? Sorry I don’t like friends who lie.
I guess, my point of view is.. I’m with a guy but I make time for my friends – I don’t get why she can’t?
Comment by N — 12/25/2010 @ 8:45 pm
This has sorta help me but what should I do i totaly hate her boyfriend all she ever talks about! What should I do he torments me wishes i hadent come to all of their movie dates but im the only way they can see each other what should I do?
Comment by Jordan — 12/28/2010 @ 12:32 pm
My best friend and I could not go a day without hanging out. I left for school and we remained in constant contact. There wasn’t a minute that we were not talking. We made due with the distance and tried very hard to keep that same closeness, miles away. Recently she started dating a guy, and has fallen in love. I really am happy for her, as she more than deserves the perfect guy. I love to see my best friend happy and I am glad that she now has someone close to her (both in distance and in heart), not far away. However, I came back on vacation and I guess I expected us to hang out always as before, but even when I am in the same city, we barely talked, let alone hung out. Things have just changed. It’s not one’s fault, and there is really no one to blame. This article, however, really helped. So thanks.
Comment by noname — 1/1/2011 @ 7:17 pm
well…i had a best friend like that who did the same thing! i never complained about her bf’s at all and i would alwas soupport her and be there for her but…recently about a few months ago i myself gotten a bf to, whos the perfect guy for me and i would hang out with him alot because i wanted to know everything about this new person. My best friend also has a bf but out of know were she started picking at me, after all the times i soupposred her and lived threw some horrible stuff she would do (make fun of me, sometimes hit me, call me stuff) i still stayed with her. but now shes started hacking into my email and leaves nazty messages on my info which my other friends saw, i felt so embarassed and mad! that she dare went into my privicy over and over, even in school she sat there showing my mail 2 her friends….i finilly had it and told her how i felt that shes becoming to clingy and invading my personial space so then she desides to put a message up in facebook saying were not friends anymore. lucky for me i have my other friends know whats going on so they are now helping me get over this…and my bf is also my best friend whos closer to me then my other best friend and i been with her from 6th grade and now were in 11th grade, i only been with my bf for a few months and its like we been dating for years. i really dont no what else to do…but for some reason i feel kind of relived to be away from this madness, she really been stressing me out for the last few months and i have had it. reading this artical made me relize i truly am not sure if shes my friend or not…we had nice times together but i never really felt happy with her like i do with my bf. so i’m not sure about what to do, but i know i dont want her to be my best friend any longer, i just want her as a friend now. i know i sound heartless but…i thought about it and all i can remember are all the times she made me feel horrible and insecure.
Comment by Silver — 1/3/2011 @ 9:14 pm
it helped. and honestly he’s fine, but she and he both need to pull there heads out of the clouds. The lust is over and here comes life. Life is what your roots led you to.
Comment by alypaul — 2/10/2011 @ 10:08 pm
OMG ! this is soooo true ! thank you sooo much for the advise ! it’s helped me sooo much !
Comment by Sydnee — 2/12/2011 @ 12:45 pm
hello guys i have some of the wierdest dreams. one night i had a dream that my bestfriend’s boyfriend was abusing her. so i called her and asked her was that true. she got offended and asked why would i ask her that? i told her it was just a dream. so last night she called me to tell me that her and her boyfriend had a fight, made up, and are friends again. well the night before she told me that he wasn’t treating her well and that he thinks she’s cheating on him so he’s going to leave her and the baby. so i told her she should leave him. she met her boyfriend online and then they accidentally had a baby. so my friend tells me that i shouldn’t have gotten involved. so now she doesn’t want to talk to me as much anymore. her and her boyfriend used to have problems with their finances and i used to send a lot of money to him and her and i have never met him. i also told them not to worry about paying it back. they live in another state now. me and my bestfriend used to be roommates before she had the baby. so now she’s calling and leaving texts saying i wish you were stronger than you really are and other bullshit like she’s sorry for hurting my feelings. she also mentioned that she isn’t being abused. so now im wondering if she is being abused because that was irrelevant to our conversation. i personally don’t want to hear anything else. im tired of arguing. so i talked to my mom about it. my mom says she will come crawling back to me after she finds the guts to dump her boyfriend.
Comment by Lacey — 2/15/2011 @ 3:50 pm
well me n my best friend v wwer so close tat her boyfriend used to get jealous but v neva did anything physically wrong neva . But her guy he’s a jerk he doesn trat her well , every single day they fight he doesn give her much tym n shes upset cause of tat n honest to god i cant c her upset i cant c a taer falling down from her cheek . She cares for me i no it but doesn wanna show it , n now jus cause i told her tat she wasn der for me wen i needed her wen times sucked she stopped talkin to me n i hav a gut feeling her boyfriend would hav instigated this . N now v dont talk i miss her every single second i was always happy wen i was around her i made her smile . But her boyfriend hardly cares n shes in love wid him n wen eva she tries braking up her boyfriend makes her belive tat he still cares , n she falls for it every time . He hurts her always n i always try keepin a smile on her pretty face .. n she always chooses her guy ova me no matter wat . she knows tat i care way more than a boyfriend does but still i get to take all the shit alway :( its jus not fair i miss her :( help me
Comment by bob — 2/28/2011 @ 3:08 pm
the thing is, i like her boyfriend i really do, hes an ahh-mazzing guy, nd he is soo right for her, i love them both to death, but it seems that when we all make plans to go to a party, the beach, the game, my girlfriend doesnt want to go, because she wants to stay at his house. im the single one who likes to party. i understand thier in love have been for years, but they just got together, it might seem selfish of me, but id like to have some time with my grilfriend too, or mby im jealous, but all in all, i want us to be like we used again, b4 they started dating, we all would hang out, the gang of mooreshill. idk mby its just wishful thinking, but i want my bestfriend back thats all. )):
Comment by kelsey — 3/7/2011 @ 3:31 pm
I’m more then happy that I came across this site. I’m kinda used to this, well its was what I thought. My friend finds many guys and it kind of always starts like with her being over excited and the guy seems like the best thing in the world. The disappointment takes a tole on me cuz I am a best friend. I’m not one to let myself get close to others, but as a best friend it was only nature. One event took my idea of our friendship in a different direction. I believe that I will become chopped liver in all this. I guess its now small things, like when we do our usual bonding activities, lol her phone has to be by her. Well its all good, because I don’t think its our bonding activity anymore. I don’t care that he becomes her new partner in this activity. I started it alone as a hobby and invested in it. Its a very small thing in reality but a very important thing to me. Well I shall be patient because I think my friendship is worth it right now. I have to say if anyone need to treat anyone like described in your post and the comments of others, they don’t deserve that friendship. And if your on the “ditched” end of stick, find articles about how to balance friendship and love. This will prevent you from making a close friend temporarily feel like dirt, because before this man came alone, you had people in your life that cared.
Comment by desert girl — 3/22/2011 @ 6:13 am
It is so nice to know other people feel the same way and that this experience happens at all ages. I think many of us are just having a difficult time dealing with change.
Things that are helping me cope are knowing that a)my best friend is still and always will be there and will always love me even if she is preoccupied with a new guy b)this change was meant to happen for a reason and something better is coming along for me because of it.
I am just beginning to go through this and need to nip my issues in the bud before they get out of hand (my dependency and anxiety was a growing issue before this anyway). I am happy for my best friend, but am still of course hurt and left out and blahblahblah like everyone else. If it turns into more of an issue I will say something to the extent of “I don’t understand why you can’t make some time for me”. Right now, it is not the biggest issue, she is making some time for me. I have faith that ultimately, more of a balance and normalcy will happen. Of course, our time together is not the same. She is in love, I am not. I am jealous of her for having something I want, I am jealous of him for getting to spend more time with my best friend than me. Well. Let’s just live with this pain, let’s turn it into a learning experience, let’s turn it into something beautiful.
All of us need to focus on loving ourselves and living our own lives. It is so easy to get lost in another person and put all of your attention on that situation. We get possessive. We get hurt. Little things become big huge projections and what happens in our mind is usually not the reality of the situation. Deal with YOUR life. Keep going. Breathe through it. This too shall pass. If your best friend is a soulmate, a true friend, your best friend is still with you and always will be, even if they have found another love in their life. Do not doubt it. You are loved. Listen to and guide yourself.
sending love and healing to all here. <3 <3 <3
Comment by live your life — 3/28/2011 @ 12:07 pm
Thank you so much ! This is just happened to me these days , But it’s kinda different and worse, My best friend ditched me for her boyfriend(who is supposed to be my friend cuz we were 3 friends at the beginning but things got stuffy and they end up together),And she told me herself that she wants to be alone with him all the time and spend great time and I’m not supposed to hang out with them anymore.. We used to never separate the 3 of us , even when she got in a relation with him we stood together for a certain amount of time ,until the days she started ignoring,forgetting,avoiding me and leaving me all alone… I LITERARY saved her life many time !!(Well she did too but that was before she ends up with him) those are the days problems started to come, lots of fights between us and I always say I’m sorry even if I haven’t done anything. We’re in the same class the 3 of us (first year college) , I don’t hang much with the other guys in my class and I don’t even appreciate them . So I’m forced to stay alone all the time or just force myself to hang out with people i don’t wanna hang out with… now she doesn’t even talk to me like she used to do before , even if he’s not around she doesn’t talk to me unless i talk first , and her answers are so cold My best friend Hated me :( when they’re coming and I’m standing alone on their way they don’t even look at me and go thru all together… this KILLS ME !!!!!!! You guys can’t imagine the pain i suffer when i see her doing this to me after all what i did for her .. I JUST WANT MY BEST FRIEND BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK :'( :'(
Comment by Michy — 4/1/2011 @ 11:53 am
My best friend started dating one of the guys in our group of friends about three months ago now. Ever since they started dating they have been up each others asses. It is quite annoying. We just recently went on a spring break trip to NYC. There was a group of eight of us that went. I wasn’t able to talk to my best friend for five minutes without her boyfriend coming over and asking what we were talking about. It was very frustrating. I just wanted to be lie, “Go talk to the other guys for five minutes! I want to talk to my best friend!” I’m really happy for her that she is finally happy because she has been in a lot of bad relationships, but she is forgetting about all of her friends. I’m her best friend and I barely speak to/see her anymore. I’m not the only one who has noticed either. All of our friends have said the same thing, “she has changed” It really sucks and hopefully it will change. I just want my best friend back :(. We use to talk ab out everything in our lives. Their are things that only she knows about me, and now I know about nothing going on in her life. It definitely hurts a lot and I’m trying to deal with it but it is really difficult.
Comment by Anonymous — 4/2/2011 @ 7:36 pm
My best friend and I have only been friends for six months but we are so close that the time doesn’t really come into it. A month or so sti she started talking to someone I’ve know for ages about ten years, let’s call home W. Well he has had other girlfriends that i have seen him with but they weren’t really anything much, just a calm, average teenage relationship. then when he started going out with my bestfriend, Y, he became quite intense wanted to spend every waking moment together, gooey love texts, that kind of thing :$ so when they ran into a problem she told me first, before ahe told him. I said that maybe it wasnt the best idea to tell him before she was certain,he worries and freaks at the slightest thing, butshe ended up telling him before she was sure. As I thought he freaked and got angry she said that basically i has said to never tell him avout this drama. He directed his unfounded anger at me which hurt. He sebt me hate Mail, simple telling me to sray away from her. She explained the mis understandibg and he called me to apologise. I seriously hate him.
Comment by angeline — 6/8/2011 @ 11:42 am
This website is really helpful. I felt like no one could be experiencing the same thing, but I guess everyone does. I do honestly wonder sometimes why it is just so hard.
My best friends and I have been best friends for over ten years. Even though we don’t live that close to each other we have literally done everything together, even with the boyfriends. we were a group of five that was unseperable. Then, last year I noticed that my closeest friend was changing. All the sudden she was into other things, that I honestly was not into. This did not bother me until she started doing stuff. I became “embarressing”. We hung out less and less. Luckily I thought i had four other best friends to count on. Well, was i wrong. One of the other friends got a boyfriend, one diteched me, and one i rarely talk to.
I thought i could help my friend, which I did. however, she ended up getting a boyffriend. Things have become strained, and we never talk. Even worse, last week I got hurt and could not go to an amuesment park I had been looking forward to for weeks. I would finally see my bestfriends, without a boyfriend there. Of course, the night before I slightly tore my hip muscle, making me stay home from everything.
Comment by Lauren — 6/15/2011 @ 3:07 pm
The worst part wasn’t that i couldnt go, but that my friends had so much fun without me, and honestly I don’t think they even cared I wasn’t there. i feel selfish, but I really want things to get better, SOON
Comment by Lauren — 6/15/2011 @ 3:09 pm
I think you shouldn’t let yourself be taken advantage of, people. Friendship is a two way street. If you can find the time for your best friend, then it is only normal to expect them to do the same.
If they don’t value friendship to the same extent that you do, then why hold on to false hope? I say, free yourself, and use the time spent feeling sad, lonely and betrayed to actually find someone WORTH YOUR TIME. You all sound like great friends to me who have been hurt. It’s difficult to let go, but this saying is fair, I think:
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
Comment by I Can Relate, Guys — 6/16/2011 @ 10:35 am
Thank you so much for this. I’ve been struggling with her relationship for awhile, especially with the lack of self-care she’s been demonstrating. Thanks to this, I’ll just have to put in effort on my end and hope that things work out.
Comment by Mila — 6/21/2011 @ 4:45 pm
Well my best friend forgot about me i told her y im sad and all she said was who cares! It all your falt you two are fighting! and after i told her she told jack to text me and say sorry!!!!!!! Its been a least a year the have been together! and all he wants is one thing and its not wonderful ughhh plz hellppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im gonna loss her soon! Every one tells me to leave hellp meeeee please!!! i beg u! they are perfect i hate it
Comment by Colie — 6/30/2011 @ 3:07 pm
I met my best friend in college and we did everything together, we were like sisters. We went to the same country for erasmus even though we were in different cities we were always talking and texting and visiting each other. Then this year she moved to another country for master’s and recently, maybe 3 months ago she met this boy who treats her like a princess, I’m really happy for her, I thought finally someone nice. Then they started dating for real and I we talked less and less, we used to talk every single day and if we didn’t we’d feel terrible and miss terribly each other, now we can go a week without talking. It’s so weird for me because I am in my country missing her and whenever I say I am happy for her and glad she finally found a nice one she replies that it finally happened and let’s see if this time it’s for real because the other were enough. Instead I wish she would say she wishes the same for me because she know I never had a relationship and she never wishes me the same happiness, I’m sure she thinks it but I feel she’s selfish sometimes. Now she came home for the summer and went to her parents and stayed with her family in a different city, I had no problems with that because once she came here we would finally catch up and do everything we used to, instead she is only coming to pick up her bf and spend time with him and me, together, and then she will return to her parents’ city. I was shocked because he is coming to spend time with her, great I was all for that, I think it’s great but she wants to spend time with him and then nothing, I haven’t seen her in 6 months and he arrived yesterday and she hasn’t said anything to me. First I don’t want to be a third wheel, I get enough of that already and then I’m really hurt that she got here yesterday and didn’t tell me, we could’ve spent the whole day together before picking him up. And I text her and she doesn’t answer but when she does it’s like nothing is wrong, it’s like she doesn’t miss me, it came to the point where I don’t even want to meet him, I’m sure he’s great, I know so and I’m really happy for them but I really dont want to meet him or spend time with them together. Guess I won’t have to anyways because she probably doesnt want that anymore…I never thought this would happen, we were friends for life, guess I lost another one…
Comment by Maria — 7/1/2011 @ 10:13 am
No matter how hard you try sometimes it just don’t help. My best friend of what was three years got divorced and started dating the guy she cheated with. Everything changed then. Once she got done crying on my shoulder through the divorce she never had time for us just him and what would be his group of people. Every week they would all go party together leaving me in the dust. Tried talking to her about it but everytime I did I ended up being the bad guy in her eyes and she would just say im jealous. I was never jealous just hurt that I never seen her as her best friend but her boyfriends friends did every week. Kept trying to hang on to our friendship but the longer they dated the further she got away and even spent my birthday partying like always with him and his people. Even got stood up another year because she got drunk at a party the night before and started a fight resulting in her losing her car. The final straw came though when I graduated college and she never bothered to show or get together because she was busy with her boyfriend and his family and I finally ended the friendship for good. I still miss her and love her but the friendship was dead a long time ago as many have told me. Since I started hanging with a new friend. My new friend is married with two young kids but still keeps in touch and never has a problem getting together when she has some spare time. After a couple months if nothing changes its not going to. If someone cant be there for you and still be in a relationship then they are not a friend.
Comment by Crystal — 7/7/2011 @ 12:20 am
I’m close to a youing blonde blue eyed girl Amber, who two years ago I met when she was locked up, she told me I could say or send anything i wanted poems anything, and she took whatever i did, she’s been out two months, and she always calls me honey, babe and everything, but she never asked me to do anything yet, i got to see her more in prison than out, Finally lastnight she offered to pick me up to come to her home for the first time, i was so happy after waiting so long, and so happy all day, then she comes with a younger boy, not that that was bad, but I waited so long to get close to her, and lastnight she said I could come to her house, then she shows up in another car, we were out in my garage, and i came in went back out, and she was on the phone with another guy saying in front of me, are you ready? are you ready?, I wanna come pick you up, I wanna come pick you up, right after I let her know that she never asked mne to do anything yet, and after she just said I could come to her house, she said she’d pick me up, but get’s here and sais to another guy on her phone ” I wanna come pick you up, it ruined my whole day, and made me sick and get a headache. Isn’t two years long enough to wait? if a girl can’t f’n see that who has the intelligence not to hurt another person?
Comment by Chuck — 8/16/2011 @ 5:17 pm
After reading some of these posts, this situation has no time or age limits. I’m 46 yrs. old and my best friend of 22 years has found her man. She and I have lived through everything together. I’m feeling all of those feelings that were listed in the other posts . . . anger, jelousy, worry, etc. etc. I know I should be nothing but happy for her as she went years and years without dating anyone. I’m afraid she is going to move away as he lives in another state, and I’m jelous because he seems to be everything we both always wanted in a partner. I know I will have to meet him over the holidays and I don’t really want to . . . I wish I could just be happy for her. I feel like a terrible friend.
Comment by Chris — 9/8/2011 @ 2:49 pm
thnx this helped me kind of, my best friend of 12 years always does this to me. she recently cancelled a holiday we had booked because of her new boyfriend i havent spoke to her for 2 weeks since i gt back from the holiday after being on my own. it upsets me that she hurts me this way.
Comment by stacie — 9/16/2011 @ 4:11 pm
Me and my best friend recently had a long period where we stopped talking. I thought we had grown apart, but then we fell back into being best friends again. So she has this boyfriend now, and hes popular and stuff…but he’s really annoying and innapropriate. I’m happy for her that she has him and that she’s happy, but he’s so mean to me! I have a crush on one of his friends, and he decides he’s going to tell my crush! Today he was like “You’ll never go out with him, so why do you bother?” Like I said, I’m happy she’s happy, but he’s mean! My self esteem is already really low, and he just makes it worse…he calls me psychotic and crazy and a spaz and that I’m mean when actually I’m super nice and I barely know the guy! She loves him, and I truly am happy for both of them, but he’s immature, and honestly, I AM jealous, and I think he will end up really hurting her! I always feel like a 3rd wheel when we all hang out, and he always makes fun of me andy other friends, and my best friend sometimes joins in and encourages it, its like a side I never saw of her! )): It all just makes me really sad…):
Comment by Bri — 9/24/2011 @ 11:09 pm
yep, I’m glad to hear that I am not being unusually dramatic. So many people here have told stories that are similar to mine. I understand it on many levels but that doesn’t help. I guess the key is not being too dependent on one person. The problem is best friends don’t grow on trees, especially long-time ones.
I decided to take a break from my best friend because I was worried that the anger and resentment I felt was making things worse.
I also regret alot of the things I said and didn’t mean. Part of it was because, during the ups and downs you hear about all over this board, I formed a horrible opinion of him and took that a bit far. My problem isn’t with HIM its with my friend.
It seems like when people are in this kind of relationship (dramatic, intense, consuming), its normal to leave everything behind.
Half of me wants to punish my friend, the other half wants to be a good loyal loving person.
Its difficult. It makes me want to just get a boyfriend so I don’t feel bitter (wrong reason if I’m enjoying being alone).
It sucks. I think this article has some good points but I guess its hard because I have never done this to my friends when I date people.
Anways, thanks for all the stories!
Comment by rubbish — 9/29/2011 @ 9:05 pm
Dear Laura: Thank you so much for writing this article (at 5 a.m. yet!) and publishing it on the web for all of us to see. It’s really helped me to see that I’m not weird for feeling jealous and left out and undervalued and a bunch of other things just because my buddy has a “man” in her life. And I’m 52 years old and should know that already! But seeing as there’s been about a person a WEEK commenting on your post for the last SEVEN + years (and who knows how many read it that didn’t comment!) I suddenly don’t feel so alone. Even if I can’t tell my buddy how I feel or she’ll get mad at my inadequacies or at least maybe the reason she gets mad at stuff like this is that she thinks someone is trying to control her life by mentioning it, and she can’t stand that. And I can’t tell my friends ’cause well she is my best friend and I don’t want to make her look bad (although she does enough things on her own that are emotionally or relationally “off” that she has sort of earned her own reputation). Like with this guy, they’ve been glued at the hip for at least 9-10 months and he’s MARRIED, although he just left his wife (who, in all fairness, he probably needed to leave–my friends & I have met her and she was really almost verbally abusive to him, even in public). So she said, we’re just FRIENDS, he has LOTS of female friends, and we’re like, how come we never have seen nor even heard him talk about any of them? You’re shittin’ us. So the activities I used to do with her (walking the dogs, for example), he totally pushed me out of, he didn’t mean to & she probably didn’t even notice, but it sure hurts. Sometimes now although I call often and she only lives a mile away I don’t see her but once every two weeks. She doesn’t answer the phone, either, just saves up messages and then tells me whatever I called about when she sees me. She hires out for odd jobs so even though I’m sure she THINKS she visits me because I’m a friend, really the only times I see her at my place is when I pay her to be there. She used to stop when she walked the dog by here but now she has the man (her “friend”) meet her to walk with her, even if he lives miles away. (Oh, he just moved closer since he left his wife so now it’s all the more convenient for them.) And still she thinks she’s like not his girl and visa versa because they aren’t sleeping together. At any rate, it is all super frustrating to me, I’m fine when I’m busy or with one of my other friends but when I’m alone (like driving to & from my workplace) it all comes back to my heart & makes me really sad. I even know from experience that after 9-12 months gals like this suddenly need their girlfriends and realize once more you exist–in fact, this buddy just started to do this about 3 or 4 weeks ago–but now I hold a grudge (well, many grudges). I made an extra appointment to see my counselor but won’t get in for another week but thank you for showing me I’m not all that weird and my feelings, as uncomfortable as they are, are at least valid.
Comment by OlyGal — 10/20/2011 @ 10:14 pm
P.S. Also she hasn’t had me over to her house but once this YEAR! We used to meet at my place or hers to watch movies but no more, last I heard she was admiring his new TV. Even last time she invited me over she then went and invited another girlfriend then some more people (including my ex-boyfriend) & eventually it wasn’t at all that I was going to visit her at her home, it was that she happened to be in a crowd that I was in. To me that was a big difference but she just thought I was weak or stupid or something, at least, she shamed me when I stood up for myself.
Comment by OlyGal — 10/20/2011 @ 10:47 pm
This article made me feel abit better :) i have this best friend and she and her boyfriend have been together for just over a year, and shes become a total stepford wife. she hates going anywhere without her boyfriend, but its ok for him to go clubbing with the guys and if we all go out together, she and him dissapear for half the night and don’t even spend time with the rest of us. also, if i ask her to come shopping with me or something, she tells me that she thinks he wants to do something so she can’t. we are in university and even though we started at the same time, im finishing in a few weeks and she is still doing first year subjects because she prefers to stay home so he can see her instead of coming to class. also a few months ago, i met this great guy and i left my friends to spend the night with him and when going home, she brought me to tears telling me what a bad friend i was for leaving her, when the previous week, she left me stranded at a club to be with her boyfriend. i still do things with her occasionally, but ive sort of given up on our friendship because its already been a year and she hasnt grown out of this phase.
Comment by Lisha — 11/13/2011 @ 11:15 am
I have a very good friend of mine who recently got a boyfriend about 2 months ago and we used to hangout everyday and now she rarely can make time for me. she is in my class and we text a lot and talk on the phone but whenever we make plans, he is either always there, or I just get ditched to hangout with him. or I will get to hangout with her for maybe an hour, and then he will come pick her up and she doesn’t even mind. She is with him almost every day, and whenever I call her, he eithers picks up, or is in the backround talking to me or her and then the call usually ends within a minute or two because I will get hungup on. I know she loves him but it’s just very annoying and I feel neglected because I don’t have boyfriend so she just doesn’t understand that she shouldn’t put her boyfriend before her friends.
Comment by Sarah — 11/19/2011 @ 5:37 pm
It feels soothing to my heart to hear from all you people who are going through something similar. I’m 30 now but I had a best friend when I was younger… a real, close best friend. We shared so much of our lives with eachother but whenever a guy would come into the picture I would end up feeling ditched in the worse way. We would include eachother in our plans for christmas, new years eve, etc… you know, those times of year that you want to have your loved ones around you, right? Untill she got her boyfriend, that is… then she would spend time with him and see me when he was unavailable for her (when he was seeing his own friends and pursuing his own intrests). Basically, she would plan her life around the man in her life and I would get the scraps. Not just christmas and special occasions… she cancelled camping trips because of “needing to spend more time with him”, travel plans, etc. It hurt. No more sleepovers just the two of us, laughing way into the small hours of the morning. She always had to be in his bed. Ouch. I’ve had my heart broken once or twice in my life by guys but lemme tell you, that was nothing compared to how much my heart was broken by her. I have learned, during my life, not to build your life around a man and to put your friends on the far second place because friends are precious, as precious as a lover or a mate. That friendship is over… for many reasons, including her attitude in many aspects… and I am older now, and am surrounded with better people. This year, my two closest friends have boyfriends. One of them is going away for new year’s eve with her guy, and the other… I’m afraid to ask. I love them dearly and they love me too… but this brigs the old hurt back, from the time that I spent nye alone, or with my parents on the couch watching movies. I’m not quite sure that I want to spend NYE being a “third wheel”, but I do want to be with the people I love on that night, as I have done for the last past three years. :( I’m not the type to go out and party with a bunch of strangers who know eachother… Maybe I need to make more single friends? I’m not they type either to find a boyfriend for the sake of being with someone. :(
Thanks for sharing, everybody.
Comment by M L — 12/10/2011 @ 5:43 pm
Yeah. Im in 7th grade. & my best friend has a “boyfriend” now. I even set them up. & Neither of them are grateful to me. Now she’s always bragging & telling me how great it is to have a boyfriend. She talks about hanging out with him and other friends too. It hurts a lot. Once, she even didn’t let me join a video chat session because she was on with her boyfriend & some other girls. I think that hurt the most. And it just happened 10 minutes ago. :(
Comment by Becca — 12/29/2011 @ 9:12 pm
I know this is a hard thing to go through, but everyone here needs to grow up. who cares. find someone else, if you feel like he has totally betrayed you. ask if he’d still wanna hook up!!!! hahahahahahahahaha jk dont do that thats wrong. but seriously. i love you girls, but everything will be okay. i promise. :)
Comment by lol00sum — 1/8/2012 @ 5:43 pm
Wow that is great advice..thanks laura
Comment by Christin — 1/19/2012 @ 2:15 am
This happend to me and im crutches, i asked her for help to carry my belongings and she said in a cocky attitude “I don’t wanna”. When I got to class she was with her boyfriend…should I stay friends with that person?
Comment by Kelsey — 2/11/2012 @ 4:04 pm
Thank you so much! You have no idea how much I needed to read those words, and how much they’ve helped me to be stronger! You’re right, just because she has a boyfriend, it doesn’t mean she’ll ditch her best friend. I just have to be there, like always! And look after her, not be bitter!
Comment by Mio — 2/22/2012 @ 9:00 am
Yes, I know this all to well. My best friend of 10 years has meet someone and now she is so into him and fails to see that she has pushed me to the side. Yes, we did everything together, travel, both single moms, fix it projects, supported each other through difficult times, and even helped with bills and still do. I try to tell her my feelings and her response is I have heard you, please dont tell me anymore. She says I try to make her feel guilty for putting all her time into him. She has done things that have been totally out of her character with him. Now she has taken a break and needs to me to be there, so what happens when the so called break is over, we go right back to were we started and I am left out again. Why does the BFF have to suffer and be the patience and understanding one? Very sad:(
Comment by Jeanie — 3/8/2012 @ 1:07 pm
I am 11 years old and my best friend wont leave her boyfriend for one second.When i ask her where shes been she always says either waited for HIM to come back or checked if HE could stay a little after school with us.When he is absent then not a single word about him.Every i turn with my friend, there he is just stealing my best friend.I have been patient but it is nothing but him.
Comment by Huda — 3/10/2012 @ 12:51 am
This is a very long time ago, however, one doesn’t forget those that hurt them especially those we loved. I had a best friend(so I thought) for ten straight yrs who dumped me for her new boyfriend. The entire ten yrs I did know her she had a different boyfriend and we still were able to have a friendship and do things together and double dated at times. So at the time my parent died she was going thru a breakup and a new boyfriend and completely forgot about me after the wake and funeral were over. I called her one time and she didn’t have her machine on so I drove over and he and her were there but she didn’t answer the door. Months later she cried and said she wasn’t a good friend to me and that she was sorry but…we didn’t do things together anymore, I wasn’t invited over anymore and our friendship soured and it basically just turned into a few phone calls here in there and towards the end it seems she was looking for an excuse for a way out of our friendship so she would pick arguments(one being I said hi to her exboyfriend) and I just decided to let her go and be with her boyfriend and didn’t return her call and that was all it was was one last call she gave me, never called back to work things out where her new boyfriend almost dumped her but she made sure she ran over there desperately to work things out, she didn’t do that for me and I knew her ten yrs. Well, as a shocker about 3 yrs ago she went by my old residence looking for me(with him they got married ten yrs ago)and she asked questions and wanted me to know she really missed me, said to call her or go by. I had been ill and had no idea where she was as she left no #, no address, and I didn’t know she got married but anyways to make a long story short….I finally found her and we talked on the phone and it was all ohhh you were like a sister to me etc and I didn’t want to start another argument so I just let it in one ear and out the other. She went on about my parent that died and she had the nerve to say you were dealing with your Dad and I met my new boyfriend….well OUCH! What a thing to say. She will lose her parents one day in the future. She had no desire to see eachother to catch up or anything it was basically she wanted to know where my life took me and then she was all done with me after a 2.5 hr tel call. Cuz I called her a few times throughtout the yr and she made excuses and was always miserable. Honestly, it is so long ago but I never forgot how she treated me. I told her on the tel I thought you missed me she said oh no your inlaw exaggerated we just wanted to know if you lived there still. She was a part of my life for ten yrs and I do wish her the best in life but it would have just been better if she hadn’t looked for me at all and just left things alone.
A true friend would make even a little bit of time for their best friend despite having a boyfriend and being married. Boyfriends come and go and husbands die…it’s always good to have a friend.
Comment by Jadene — 4/1/2012 @ 4:32 pm
The thing that hurts me the most is that when I met my ex boyfriend I never abandoned her. I told him straight up that monday, wednesday and saturday I was out with my girls and he accepted that! Yes he came along to her birthday parties over the years, but I always put effort into focusing my attention on her and often was weary about how touchy feely I was with him in case I hurt her. We broke up in January and she met her boyfriend in December. She hasn’t once contacted me about it, in fact last time I saw her was February and she couldn’t shut up about him. But not once did she ask how I was. I feel all the effort I made to keep my friend whilst I had a boyfriend has gone to waste. I’ve now lost the two most important people in my life and I’m devestated! Yes I am happy she is happy and all that but some consideration for a friend in need would be nice. Try getting over a three year relationship locked up alone in your bedroom. Not a chance.
Comment by Rachael — 4/9/2012 @ 6:36 pm
I have found this so much of a problem. It is not that my friends have ditched me. More that all of them are couples, with one another, and I am not. We hang around in a group, but it is more like just the couples. I feel so left out, and very lonely.
Unfortunately, I haven’t kept very good control over my mouth and told one of my friends exactly what I thought about her and her bf/crushes. But I know it is because I am jelous. It just doesn’t help all the much when you are the only single one in a group, and don’t want to leave all your friends.
At least reading this article has shown me that I am not the only one who suffers like this :) Nice to know ^_^
Comment by Amy — 4/10/2012 @ 12:51 pm
I’m in a slightly different situation than most. My best friend is a gay man whom I love like a brother. We used to do everything together from the moment we woke up to the moment we went to bed. From the beginning I knew this was unhealthy, but it was just so easy to ignore the warning signs when I loved every second of it. We’ve grown so much together and created such a strong co-dependency, or so I had thought. But about a month ago he got a boyfriend, and since then he has stopped putting any effort into ever seeing me. It hurts so much to see him completely pull away. The worst part is I don’t want to tell him how I feel because I can see how wonderful they are together and how important this relationship is for his personal growth. I love him and want to see him happy, but I wish I wasn’t so affected by his separation. The really tough part is that I don’t see any solution. If I tell him how I feel then he will either resent me or feel guilty, and I detest when people make their decisions out of perceived obligation! I feel uncomfortable around him now because I cannot fully express how I’m feeling to him, which is a huge step back in our friendship, considering we originally based it off of an “Honesty Policy.” I wish that he would want to see me again. I don’t know what I’ll do if he breaks up with his boyfriend and comes to me for companionship again. I won’t be able to interact with him in the same way, not after I’ve felt this pain.
Comment by Miranda — 4/20/2012 @ 10:59 pm
Unfortunately, I lost my roommate and good friend to a boy in college and 3 years later, she’s been lost ever since. They are now married and she is more MIA than ever before. Sometimes you can just be easily replaced.
Comment by Lauren — 4/22/2012 @ 6:32 am
Gee, rationally I agree 100% with this – however I can’t help it, I am feeling damn hurt right now.
And modern communication doesn’t help – I see her online on skype, say hi and I get a ‘I’ll message you later’ and then she goes offline (or my suspicion invisible) and I never hear from her again.
I think a ‘No time, I have other priorities right now’ would have been easier to deal with than suspection she’s hiding from me while all teh while waiting for that ‘later’ she mentioned.
Yeah, I am upset. It doesn’t help that I am worried about her (or her choice for a romance) but you that’s not my responsibility. Maybe she feels I am not really happy with this guy and desn’t want to hear me being cautious about it when she is high up on cloud nine.
As I said, my brain understands, but my feelings are hurt and it’s difficult to react calm. I wondered if I should just leave her in peace for a few days but then I wonder if she would think I am angry with her and contact will not be re-established…
Comment by Amber — 5/2/2012 @ 4:57 am
I think it’s time that we all realise – we are all important. But there is no such thing as “inseperable”. You have to acept that at some stage your friendship has to change. And you have to step back and let them live their lives. If they completely unchoose you, then you have to stand your ground and demote them to acquaintance, but not nastily. I have no time for best friends anymore – friendship has taken on another meaning for me. No one person can fill up your life to that capacity as to be inseperable. It’s as bad as being needy and dependant on others for happiness. I have one rule – if I want to spend time with people I will, they are not second choices. I honour my appointments and no man will make me unchoose other people because I understand, finally, what balance is. All of them are important, and I have to spend time with them to make them feel important. But not all my time. And if any of my friends felt the need to unchoose me, they must understand it will never be the same again. They will always be acquaintances from then on. I can’t stand being ditched – no matter the reason, unless it’s medical or death.
Comment by samantha — 5/4/2012 @ 9:16 am
thanks for posting this.i feel good now knowing that i’m not the only one experiencing this and i just want to say that even if your best friend is not texting you, calling you, e.t.c., it doesn’t mean that she does not care, worry, or that you are not important to her anymore.try to understand that your best friend is in love.you can’t do anything ’bout it.just try to be happy for her.support her in every decision that she will make.that if you have misunderstandings/if you don’t wan’t something about her feel free to discuss it with her.it will help.that even if it hurts you should try to be strong.because what if she needs a friend to talk to and you’re not already there because you chose to end your friendship because of a guy.. because of jealousy?who will be there for her when her bf broke up with her?who will listen to her and cheer her up?and lets say that there would come a time that you’re so sad, down, upset, disappointed, or depressed and you desperately need someone who talk to, that you need your BEST FRIEND?where will you find her?will she talk to you again?well, you’re not sure of right? the main point is that you two are best friends.you should always be there for each other.that even if things are not that good you’ll still be the best of friends.we should treasure the relationship that we have with them and never just throw it away. :)
Comment by mjg — 5/9/2012 @ 12:11 pm
This is the second time I have read this article. Thank you so much for posting it all those years ago. As many other posters have said, there is no age limit to these feelings. I am 30 (my friend will be too in a few months). Last summer she met a wonderful guy. I have nothing bad to say about him. It was obvious to me in the first few weeks that she was falling hard and that he was probably the one she would marry. She has dated maybe 5 other guys but this is her first serious long term relationship. I find him nice, charming, funny, and he has a set of his own friends and interests, a good job, a house and a close relationship with his family. All boxes checked. He’s allergic to animals which is a slight problem (for me) as I have pets so he’ll never come over to my place – that isolates me a bit from being able to have them over as a couple.
At first I recognised the feelings of jealously in my heart and in my stomach and I definitely brooded over it and cried. I think I am jealous on 2 fronts. 1) I am jealous of the time he spends with her because increasingly it is less even. She and I used to have almost a ‘standing date’ that we’d hang out on Saturday but now of course every Saturday is defaulted to time with him and I have to ‘book’ her. 2) I admit I am a bit jealous of her for finding ‘it’. Unlike her, I have not dated much. I am extremely introverted and often very self-conscious (although very successful in many areas of life. I am an INTJ Myers-Brigg personality type and just really not good at the whole dating and intimacy thing. Half the time I crave it, half the time I couldn’t care less. What I DO care about greatly are my friendships. I extend a lot of energy on my friends and feel it is not always reciprocated in kind.
In the beginning she made a conscious effort to not be the girl who ditches her friends for the guy. But gradually it has turned that way. She has never flaked on plans with me, it is just the frequency that has dropped. Granted, I too am busier than ever with new hobbies and things. In the past year I have taken up running, a boot camp, career counselling and volunteering. I enjoy all these things but I also wouldn’t lie if part of me is trying to fill up my time so I feel less lonely. I guess these are healthy ways to deal with these feelings.
Today is a down day. The trigger was that I was IM-ing with her on Saturday and asked her what she was doing later – was she hanging out with him? I fully expected her to say she was. She confirmed that she was and that if it turned into a ‘group thing’ she’d let me know. That made me irrationally angry. I wasn’t interested in hanging out with him or his friends (even though I like them), I was interested in hanging out with just her – having one of our girl nights. She spent the entire previous weekend with him @ a wedding out of town, plus nights during the week and probably Friday night as well. She just seems to think of me as second now. Which I guess is normal but extremely hurtful.
I have been able to tell some other friends about my feelings but I keep fighting the urge to tell her. I feel that this is my problem, not hers, and that I shouldn’t burden her. But I often feel it bubbling up and it’s hard not to just spew it out. She is happy, she hasn’t forsaken me, even if it feels that way. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy. I am pursuing a career change and sometimes in my more bitter moments I fantasize about moving very far away so she can experience missing me for a change. Maybe then she’d appreciate me more. Then I shake my head and remember she has not done anything wrong and that she does not deserve punishment. It can be emotionally exhausting.
A few weeks back she and I got together with 2 other good friends (the 4 of us have been best friends since highschool). I drove my friend and I (the other 2 live in different cities). She remarked that I am the ‘glue’ that holds our group together. I am the one who is good at keeping in touch, organising get togethers, and out of the 4 of us I am the one who most frequently speaks to each girl individually. It was nice to be told that! I felt appreciated. Sometimes I wonder if the reason I feel so hurt when she spends more time with him than with me is because I have never been in love. Maybe I never will, though it would be nice. I get insecure that my close friends, who know my non-history with relationships, think I am ‘broken’ or somehow defective. This is probably me putting my own thoughts about myself on them. I am a very independent and individualistic person but I am not broken and I do understand the allure of love – but I don’t think it means you should abandon friends. I think I am even more confused than ever about life, love, friendships etc because of my age and everyone pairing up, marrying and having babies. I too hear that clock ticking but have recently become quite comfortable with the idea of doing the whole sperm donor thing in my mid-late 30s should I not find ‘the one.’ Anyway, off topic.
I miss the easy, casual way I used to be with my friend. Now I sometimes feel this anger or bitterness and I am so confused whether I should speak to her about it or not. I have dropped hints over the last 10 months that I miss her, etc. But I do not think she knows how much I hurt at times.
Comment by Anna — 5/14/2012 @ 9:05 am
My friend goes off with her boyfriend as if they are the only two people in the entire universe. It makes me so frustrated because a) she’s my best girl friend and b) she’s dating my brother who is my other best friend. I feel like I am totally friendless now and I don’t even have my brother to talk to because he only wants to talk about her. It sounds to me like they are just infatuated with each other. If they are in love, how long does this stage last? I’m trying to be a good friend by not saying mean things or getting upset but it’s getting harder the more and more time the spend together. I miss how we all just used to hang out and all have fun. Now I feel like I’m a third wheel on everything we do together.
Comment by Lilly — 5/15/2012 @ 4:49 pm
I’d give it some time but I would try to talk to her also. Tell her you miss her and would like to do some things together-see how she responds-actions speak louder than words. But don’t put your life on hold(I don’t think that you are but I think you know what I mean). I totally got tossed aside by my exfriend(ten yr friendship-the longest friendship I have ever had)when she met her then boyfriend who became her husband a few yrs after that. Even to this day(well a yr ago) she told me she has known him all her life-yet during our ten yr friendship never once do I remember her mentioning him. Our friendship went from frequently talking and seeing eachother down to just rare telephone calls that I had to make. I never got an invite to go over anymore or to join them to do anything basically she threw me away, sadly. However, I ended what little was left of the friendship because I felt what’s the use. But you know what? it hurt alot back then and to this day it still stings a little bit but it made me come to the realization that she wasn’t the good friend that I thought she was. She was in a not so great 8 yr relationship during our friendship and always had time for me. This may not be the case with your friend and I hope it isn’t. I don’t think it is a jealousy thing, I think it is more of a feeling replaced, and put on the back burner. To this day he is basically all she has other than her family and she told me she doesn’t entertain anyone in their house so….I wish her best and I was happy to hear she got married. Oh, and if it does turn out like my situation did, some girls make a guy their total universe. I hope someone special comes into your life 30 is still young, you got plenty of time.
Comment by Jadene — 5/15/2012 @ 5:55 pm
Lilly – that is a difficult situation!! I hope it gets better for you.
Jadene – thanks for the advice. You know what? Out of the blue today she asked me what I am doing tonight. I said I have plans (a party for the place I volunteer at). She had wanted to get together. I take that as a very good thing that she initiated it. I told her we should make more of an effort to get together, just the two of us because we don’t see each other as much as we did in the past. She said she was thinking the exact same thing. We have made plans for next Wednesday. This weekend we have plans too, but with other people involved. I think it is a case of me learning to share better and yeah, that will take time. But I am glad she realizes we need to make an effort to be with each other. Because (as I have told her and other friends many times), relationships don’t magically maintain themselves – it takes effort.
Comment by Anna — 5/17/2012 @ 11:26 am
Anna – Great! so it’s working out. Her making an effort shows she definitely cares. She must miss you. Best of luck!
Comment by Jadene — 5/17/2012 @ 1:26 pm
Lilly- just try talking to her saying something to the affect of that you’d like to spend some girl time together.
Comment by Jadene — 5/17/2012 @ 1:32 pm
My best friend and I just had a falling out about. Her boyfriend and how she doesn’t share things wirh be because he is jelous of me. I was looking for pics on google that shows how much I hate him.But the I came acros this. It realy helped me to understand te situation and told me how to handle it, I just hope when I apologize she will except it! Cause my best friend is kind off a difficult person! Thank you for this advice!!
Comment by Jaqi — 5/24/2012 @ 5:15 am
Very wise words! I still struggle with my best friend though, I never say anything. Somehow I can’t get my head around the fact that when she’s single she is wanting me to come over nearly every night…but when she gets a man…I don’t exist….but when the relationship’s over she still expects me to be there to come over all the time. It’s like she’s lonely and just using me for company when she’s single. Next time I will still be here but I won’t be dropping everything for her. When I’m in a relationship I always keep up with my best friends (not quite as much as when single but I certainly don’t allow a man to take up all my time and I certainly still have my fun times with friends as it’s an important part of who I am). The men I’ve been with have the same approach to their best friends so it can work.
Comment by Lucy — 6/1/2012 @ 6:17 pm
Thank you for this article Laura! I now feel comfort in the fact that my situation is not in the least bit unique but rather a common thing that can be overcome! My best friend and I used to communicate CONSTANTLY about EVERYTHING and now it’s rare that we have a weekly conversation I have spent a lot of time being bitter about her disappearing act but I realize now that people deal with things in different ways. I just want her to be happy after all :)
Comment by Sarah — 6/4/2012 @ 10:10 am
This just started happening to me this week. She’s always with him. Only with him. If I don’t text her to ask her what her plans are, she wouldn’t really try to text me or ask me if i’d like to join. The worst part is that my other 2 friends have a boyfriend also and my one single girl friend seems to be separating herself from our group, so basically I have no one to go out with. Its summer and I’m practically alone. I’m so sad about it. And the thing is I have always been the single friend who listens to everyone’s problems and tries to find everyone solutions, but when it comes to my problems, no one seems to be willing to give ME any advice at all. They just sit there and nod and just tap my back and move on to whats new and exciting in their life leaving me sitting there, mouth shut. I have a disabled brother and life in my household is so tough, so sometimes I just wish to get away from it all just to be able to live a different life, and dream of it being my own. Tonight was one of those nights, and no one’s there. No one. I have never had any friends before this one girlfriend (who has a new bf) and I spent the first 8 years at school being bullied and being alone. Now that I thought I had finally met the bestest friend I was ever going to have, I can’t even ask her to be there for me when I need her? I am supposed to deal with all of this and not say anything to anyone? How?? I feel guilty saying this but sometimes I wish she never had met me so that I wouldn’t be in her life. I feel like I’m the intruder now. The only place that used to feel like home now feels like a prison. I don’t know how to deal with this. I just don’t.
Comment by Alexandra — 6/21/2012 @ 3:06 pm
Alexandra-I hope better days are coming for you. But throughout my life friends have come and gone and I hope you soon meet new friends. My Mom always tells me “you have yourself.” Signing up for a class, taking up a new hobby, volunteering, just being out and about can help new friends come. I know it hurts about your friend with her boyfriend, I’ve been there. Try to talk to her and tell her you miss her and can you get together. Best wishes.
Comment by Jadene — 6/22/2012 @ 6:48 pm
hi! this article really helped me a lot..i thought i’m just carried away by my emotion..i thought that i’m the only one experiencing this thing..maybe this is just a part of friendship and after we get through this hard situation we will be able to develop a stronger bonds that can never be broken..but its really hard to deal with it especially that you’ve been friends your whole life..i tired to reach out, say sorry for things i’ve done that might hurt her, but evrytime i do it she wont care at all..i hurts a lot..but i know time will heal all wounds and will ease all the pain and everything will be fine..
Comment by jane — 6/25/2012 @ 2:44 am
Thanks so much for this article. Im 17 and me and my friend have been “best friends” since we were 8. She always has been sort of needy like always venting to me and always complaining and i was always always always there for her. we would talk on the phone everyday and see eachother in school everyday.. and we live AROUND THE CORNER FROM EACHOTHER. and she met this guy about 6 months ago and things have never been the same.. its not even that she ditches me she just never talks to me really.. and when i ask her to hang out she always is busy and it hurts me because she just hangs out with all his friends and doesnt even invite me :(( exccept for twice throughtout the 6 months. i miss her so much ive actually cried over it. sorry this was long im just really upset but the article helped i guess i just have to get on with my life and wait for her to come running back to me and i will be there for her to cry too. <3
Comment by Sandra — 6/25/2012 @ 8:04 pm
I had a very best friend who I did everything with in high school, however, after she met her boyfried she tossed me aside and only accused me of being jealous when all I wanted was to spend more time with her. She did come by several yrs later but by then it was just too late so we didn’t see eachother after that.
17 is so young, find other friends and be good to yourself. I know it hurts…I’ve been there too.
Comment by Jadene — 6/26/2012 @ 4:21 pm
Thank you for this article. I am coming across it all these years after you wrote it and it was the most concise, helpful thing I have read on this topic. I am thirty years old, which I think is about 18 years too old to go through this but I find it comforting to know that I am not alone and this is not unusual. Just this morning she cancelled plans with me to be with him and I repeated the line in my head about how this is going to happen and you are going to get hurt. Just knowing it was “normal” or expected was big. Anna, I really resonated with what you said and am in the exact same position. He is a great guy and I have known from early on this was going somewhere for them but she was the last girl who I thought would do this. I guess no one’s immune. And I guess as the last line says, “In short, life changes. If something is bad, don’t worry, it will pass. If something is good, don’t worry, it will pass. No matter how much we would like it, nothing in this life stays the same. There is no escaping it.”
Comment by Alicia — 8/8/2012 @ 10:40 am
Idk I have never had a boyfriend before so I guess it’s tough to see the other side. But the fact of the matter is that I have friends that have boyfriends they are absolutely in LOVE with and they still don’t ditch me like that. They try make time for friends, even if it isn’t as much as it used to be. And I get that! It’s ok! However, there is no excuse for taking advantage of a friend and completely ditching him or her. It’s not a matter of jealousy of wanting a boyfriend or whatever lame explanation – it is the lack of respect that is truly deserved. Of course I’m always going to be there for them. And maybe try to give some advice like we always have done in the past. But I still don’t understand why it has to be like that when I’ve seen it handle so much better.
Comment by Coco — 8/17/2012 @ 8:02 pm
In my case my exfriend was and still is an extremely dependent on guys for financial survival person. I think somewhere along the line of her 6 yr marriage(when she went by looking for me) she missed me yet when I reciprocated it went back to the dependent on husband thing and didn’t want to do anything with me or see me not even a cup of tea to chat. Now another 2 yrs has gone by since she looked for me and I just realized my life is better without her in it. Do I think of her? Sure, at times yes. How could I not she was my friend but not best friend for ten yrs. I wish her well and hope she finds something in life to make her happy other than just a husband.
Comment by Jadene — 8/24/2012 @ 4:42 pm
The article has many good points.
My belief though is that some people use you as a place holder because they can’t get anything better at the moment and become comfortable with you. When someone better comes along, or a boyfriend or girlfriend especially, then you move down the ladder and that new person takes your place.
A person of true virtue and who is a good friend will make time for both and treat you the same. They will realize…. hey that friend was always there for me and i’ll always be there for them etc. That is rarely how it is though.
Don’t give up, there are some friends that are true and decent and realize the value of you. They are very rare but then again diamonds are rare too, and they are worth more then a million plain rocks.
Comment by Brad — 9/13/2012 @ 1:28 am
Has any of this happened to any of you?
I noticed as well that when friends ditch you for a boyfriend or girlfriend, sometimes their new mate will go out with their friends, leaving your former best friend bored and lonely.
Then they will call up the abandoned best friend and want to go out with them. The abandoned best friend will get all happy thinking cool they thought of me! If only they knew the truth huh.
Comment by John — 9/13/2012 @ 1:34 am
I am dealing with this issue a lot later in life but it is good to see I am not alone or crazy for feeling this. I have been married for a long time and met my bf 15 yrs ago. We just clicked right off. We have had businesses together and continue to be involved in a business matter. She was in a very unhealthy abusive marriage and reached out to me for support. I saw things in her that she did not see herself and spent 8 years helping her get the strength to get out of the abusive situation and become the strong amazing women she was meant to be. We have been inseperable even though it was tough at times getting my husband to understand my need to spend time with her. We have worked hand in hand to battle some tough business and personal challenges. She has given to me and helped me grow in many ways and I was able to help her become the person she deserved She is in the place I always wanted her to be, happy, strong and independent. I always just wanted her to realize there could be happiness on the other side. After being out of the bad marriage for 5 years she has found a man she is falling in love with and who treats her like she finally deserves. She is doing nothing wrong. It is me who is struggling seeing her reach out to him instead of me. Calling him the first thing in the morning,instead of me. Texting him every minute instead of me. So I am the one who needs to make the adjustment and realize she should be going to him first, that she should be feeling the way she is. I know in my mind it is right but I still am increasingly sad and tearful. She has expressed many times that our friendship means everything to her and she wants it in her life but I am not naive to realize that it can never be the same again. I just have to hope time will make this easier. I just needed to comment to this post to let people know that this happens at all points in our life and it is nice to know that you are not alone in having these kind of feelings.
Comment by lynn — 9/26/2012 @ 7:37 am
Thank you so much. This really helped. My school just had homecoming and she wanted me to go and I did but she never said one word to me. And she canceled our plans just to go with her bf. It’s her first one I know that it’s suppose to be like this for her but, I have needed her the most lately and I feel like she just don’t want to be there for anyone except him. But this helped me see that she does so thank you, its still hard though. So thank you again
Comment by sam — 10/14/2012 @ 5:38 am
Truth be told, I’m actually happy for my friend since she thought that she’ll be the forever alone girl. I’ll admit, I do miss the times when I could hang out with her all the time and text her everyday. Times have changed and our lives are a lot busier than the time when we used to hang out a lot. But now a days when she has free time, she only wants to hang out with her boyfriend. Which feels like a lot more frequently than when we hung out. When we do have time together, she’ll always have her boyfriend with her. She is a great friend and I don’t want her to break up with him even if that means she’ll hang out with me again. Long story short, I’ll admit as of right now I am feeling pessismistic that our friendship will not last. But I am glad that I came across this blog. I’ll keep in mind what you have wrote. I’m happy that she’s in love and that she’s happy even though I’m feeling the backlash of it.
Comment by Grace — 10/22/2012 @ 10:40 pm
My Mother and her 3 sisters were married and still had friends during their marriage. I’d say they all had balanced lives.
Comment by Jadene — 10/23/2012 @ 9:31 am
Its only like the fourth day or something since one of my best friends started going out with her crush. At first, I was happy for her, but then it feels like shes being taken away from me. I know, it’s just me being selfish and immature. But thats just how it feels like. Like today and yesterday, for example. I called her on skype, thinking that I was going to talk to just her…but then HE’s on the other end too. I feel like I’m obliged not to hang out with them at break because I’ll feel like a third wheel, which I hate.. But I know that its still really early days. So I guess it’ll pass. We’re 13 btw.
Comment by rebecca — 11/2/2012 @ 12:29 pm
My best friend promised she wouldnt leve me for her boy friend, at the start of there relationship things wernt great becuse i felt in the way and so i left them alone, we don’t get to see eachother much becuse of our school timetables being so diffrent, and so when he came along it made things worse as she constly sits with him at lunch etc when its the only time i see her too, and this makes me sad as i miss her as we were very close, and to beigin with i was very unhappy and got really angry with her boyfriend, but felt awful as he is also my friend, but we spoke about it and sorted things out so even though she thought i was avoiding her and i thought she jad replaced me we haddnt. then i thought everything would be alright, sh says she hates choosing between us, but she consntly picks him! like today when we went on a school trip and she sat next to him and not me on the bus, and i know i sound petty and selfish but if she haddent promised not to do that and had just not made me belive she wouldnt leve me and pick him i wouldnt be so upsett but she broke her promise and i hate that. also hate how she will be around me when he isnt there but when hes there she will ALWAYS pick him. :(
Comment by Sky — 11/21/2012 @ 11:07 am
well.. this is whats going on right now.. were both in our 50’s i and her sister have been waiting for her to find a nice fella.. possible a mr right. but this guy.. hes from the past not part of the click actually older a freind of her older siblings in school. but hes after something, her house .. a place to live.. he fooled around on his girlfreind with another one in the click of old freinds then while that was about to crash and burned set up plans to concern my friend. which he apparently has done. hes moved in and they are talking about marriage and rings ans its been maybe a month since their first unofficial date. hes full of sh*% as a x-mas turkey and when hes in the room u need a pair of boot to walk though hes bull crap coming out of his mouth.. speaking of he cant stop complementing my fiend and inappropriately kissing and touching her in front of others. and ignores her guest while interrupting us during important conversations. I am so fed up. first i was concerned and hurt now i dont want to subject my self to anyof it .. I am so done. My friend never listens when she usually asks for help anyway.. this time shes secretive and has absolutely no time for me, I went for years with no contact from her like 30 but facebook brought us back to gether for the past maybe 4 yrs. so I only have 7 yrs invested .. middle high school and thes past few yrs… i guess i can finish out my life without a best friend again. I waited so long to have a friend again… it really wasnt worth it. I guess my best friend will always be my daughter i raised and my husband. and they were so excited i finally had a friend that was mine and not some ones else left over.. or was she
Comment by tossed2theside — 12/21/2012 @ 11:20 pm
—————————————————Well, Im gonna post a comment here not because my friend ditches me for her boyfriend but because its the other way around. I don’t literally ditch her, I just spend more and more time with my boyfriend and I am aware she is jealous with him so I see to it that when we’re together she doesn’t feel left out or what and I still treat her the same way as before but lesser time now. Here is the real deal, she found a new friend and now I feel like I was the one who is being replaced right now. I know, I know karma. But is it right for me to feel jealous because she found someone else to be friends with? We don’t talk much anymore and she doesn’t sit beside me anymore. This sucks. And you’re right, when we’re inlove we get blinded by our bf and we tend to like to be with them evey minute of the day and we want to share our stories with you(bestfriend). Boyfriend is really different with bestfriend. I hope she realize that I wasn’t replacing her with my boyfriend and that I still need her. I miss her.
Comment by blue123 — 1/21/2013 @ 9:06 am
Yes – Im another ditched friend :( By my best friend of 8 years, we were so close, family holidays together, regular long phone calls, texts every day, walks with the dog, summer bbq’s, our husbands are best friends and our kids are all friends, everything was great.. until another man came into her life.. The texts stopped, the phone calls stopped, everything stopped.. It wenr very quiet.. we only saw her hubby – who of course was goin through a bad time himself.. Its awful when someone who has been such a big part of your life and you share so much – can just walk out. This man – is the perfect man (according to my friend), he is everything she has always wanted and she thinks now that she didnt have a life before. If he is so nice and caring why doesnt he suggest she spends time with her friends instead of him ! Ive told her that i am here anytime of the day – but the phone doesnt ring… Its sad – very sad.. But thank you so much for your article , makes me realise there is light to come.. I love and miss her so much… Thank you..
Comment by Joules — 3/1/2013 @ 3:49 pm
I don’t know where to start. Things are so messed up. I’ve been best friends with this girl since middle school. We are 25 now. We have always been close. We don’t see each other too often, maybe once a month because we live an hour apart but we used to talk several times a day, every day. I have been married for the last 4 years and I have a 2 year old son. I have been wanting her to find a good guy for so long but it’s always been a string of losers who treat her badly. Usually, she would move slow and be very guarded and get out of the relationship quickly after figuring out that they were assholes. But now she’s picked the worse possible guy she could have, way worse than any of the others, and yet she’s moving so fast with him, it’s ridiculous. She has only known this guy for less than 2 weeks and yet she has already moved him into her apartment, says she’s “in love” with him, and is talking about having children with him. There is a laundry list a mile long that makes this guy just awful but I’ll just name the three major ones: 1)He is married. He has a wife of 2 years. He just left his wife a few days ago to move in with my friend. 2)He is admittedly bipolar and off of his medication. He has several domestic violence convictions from several different women. 3)He would cheat on his wife with men, do webcam shows on gay websites, and has a “sugar daddy” at the beach who pays him to come down for the weekend and be his boy toy. He has told my friend that he only did it for money (although he has a stable job) and that it’s part of his past that will not be repeated. He swears he is not gay or bisexual but as my husband put it, most straight men would starve to death before doing anything sexual with another man no matter how much money was offered. I am concerned that he is not being honest with my friend, that he may cheat on her with other men or even women and give her a disease and also that he may be violent with her. I have voiced my concerns to her but she makes excuses for him, says that she knows him better (yeah, after a week, right), and that I should be happy that she’s finally found the love of her life. During this entire ordeal, my 2 year old son has been diagnosed with severe classic autism. She knows about it and has only called me maybe twice since she met him almost two weeks ago. You know what? She didn’t even care to talk about my son or what I’m going through when she called. I told her about his diagnosis and she said “I’m sorry” like it was nothing, then changed the subject right back to this creep and how great he is. My son is her Godson! She has been here since his birth and they were very close and now it’s like she doesn’t even know who he is! I am so disappointed in her. She has always been a great friend, she’s always been there for me and I for her, I really thought she’d be the last person on earth to treat me this way. There is NO excuse. I manage to juggle my husband, my household, and my special needs child without leaving her out in the cold. She has no children, works part time and has a boyfriend-that’s it! How can she not make time for a phone call? How can she be so selfish as to only want to talk about HER HER HER the very few times she has called me? Her mother is also very concerned about her being with this guy and honestly, HER MOM has called me more and been there for me more during this whole thing and her mom and I have never really talked before this. But we’ve been talking on the phone since my friend got with this creep and I love her mom, she even tells me that her daughter is treating me like crap and that she didn’t raise her to be this way. I just don’t know what to do at this point. I could maybe excuse this behavior if things were great in my life and I didn’t need her so much right now but you know what, having a child just diagnosed with autism is HARD, I am grieving, and she is the last person I expected would not give a damn. I am so broken, I have never been hurt this much before. I have not had many friends in my life at all, for exactly this reason, and I really thought she was different. I am too pathetic to walk away from her, but I just wish I could tell her how much she’s hurting me. But honestly, it seems like she doesn’t care and she’s walking away from me. No matter how much I dislike her boyfriend, I would never ask her to choose between him or I, but it seems like she’s making the choice anyway and it doesn’t have to be this way. I am so hurt, mad, worried, and broken hearted over this…
Comment by Joanie — 3/7/2013 @ 2:45 pm
It’s so awesome and terrible that other people have experienced this; Awesome because I can finally relate to others, terrible because no one should ever go through the pain of having their best friend replace them.
My “best friend” and I became friends Sophomore year of High School, and I’m asexual- I don’t plan on ever having a boyfriend, getting married, etc.- and she didn’t have a single boyfriend during high school, although some of the get togethers we had she would make out with some of the boys there; She even told me she got really drunk one night and had sex with some random dude. I never judged my friend, and I trusted her to take care of herself. We got along really well and I loved spending time with her; She was so open minded and willing to be there for anyone.
She has changed since meeting her boyfriend. He is a huge Christian and I respect that of him; He’s not necessarily mean to her, although he has said some pretty mean things about others. My friend and I went to college and roomed together, and since we were both single, I thought we would conquer the world together. Instead, two months in, she gets a boyfriend, and by the next semester they always sleep in the same bed, and constantly make out in front of me. I don’t know about any of you, but having someone make out in front of you is not only truly disrespectful, but also extremely gross. I tried to ignore it, to be happy for her. I wanted her to be happy, and this was her first boyfriend.
But she ONLY spent time with him, she completely dropped me. She barely invited me anywhere, and she only did because I was in the room. When I heard her make plans and then she didn’t invite me, I was truly hurt. I would tell her, and she would only get angry at me.
I became depressed during the middle of my first semester, and she dropped me, especially during a time when I needed her. She did horrible damage to our friendship, and she told me she didn’t think we were best friends anymore, and I asked her how to fix this, and she said she didn’t think it could be fixed. I started crying every single day because of this. She said she didn’t hate me, but I could see how she treated me, that she didn’t want to even be around me. I tried my best to invite her to things, to spend time with her, to love her, but she never asked me to do anything with her anymore.
About a month ago, she said she didn’t even want to be friends with me anymore, and I can not tell anyone how much it hurts for your best friend to tell you she doesn’t want to even be friends with you. I wish she would have just hit me, punched me, or just did some physical damage, because it wouldn’t hurt nearly as much as that did. It still hurts, but I’m getting over it.
She blocked me on twitter, and on my other twitter account, I could still see her tweets; She said she had failed some tests, so I brought her a smoothie. Eventually, she figured out I could still see her tweets, and said, “Go fuck yourself Laura.” on twitter, which still hurts, but once again, I’m getting over it.
She then posted something about she didn’t understand how anyone could get an abortion, and 1) I always thought she was more open minded than that, that she would respect other women, but her boyfriend is a huge Christian and I feel like he’s changing her into someone she’s not, and 2) one of our friends was getting an abortion, so I casually mentioned this tweet to my other friend, who called my “best friend” on it, which in turn, she tweeted that I was a “crazy psychotic bitch” and again, “Go fuck yourself, Laura”, which seems like the only thing she really can say are those two lines.
I finally moved out, and moved in with a different friend, who makes me smile and laugh. She has some flings, but her friends are nice and she honestly spends time with me. I like her, but I have learned my lesson; Never, ever become too close to someone, because they can break your heart too easy, and I don’t ever want to feel how I feel now.
I’m done being a doormat for my friends, and I’m trying to hang out with my other friends. I don’t cry as much as I used to, and sometimes I’m genuinely happy. My friends tell me I shouldn’t stop being friends with her because of twitter, but who wants to be friends with someone who can drop their best friends over some boy?
A part of me wishes I could forgive her, but another part says I should never spend time around her anymore, that I should totally give up, and I should move on. I haven’t decided what to do yet, but I know that I will make more friends, that there are people who want to spend time with me. And I’m so thankful for that.
Comment by Laura — 3/21/2013 @ 6:31 pm
I am feeling the same with my best friend which I consider my sister and its hard to cope with this. We used to spend lots of time together and we always care for each other but now that she found her lover boy is like instead of giving me a hand;she hides it from me. I have told her how i feel and she said she was going to fix that and spend more time with me but in reality this hasn’t occur as much :( I am very happy she found her boyfriend no doubt about that :) but she doesn’t text me as often (it takes like seven days for her to replyback sometimes) we don’t chat and we hardly hangout now (like every 4 months)its just not the same as it used to be. As i type this i have tears running down my face. I try to move on but everyonce in a while i remember and get sad :( i have made new friends, have gone on dates, but i still havent found the right guy yet. so i don’t feel lonely… I truly miss her and i saw her as my big sister :(
Comment by Alty — 3/27/2013 @ 6:06 pm
Alty, I can understand how you feel in ways. I let a friendship go long ago that was ten yrs long and she did have an 8 yr relationship with her exboyfriend at the time and had time for me then. She found a new boyfriend after her exboyfriend dumped her and everything with her and I changed. She gradually cut me out of her life tho. Thinking back today I still don’t have an answer except that her rela with him was more important which I understand but she never found any balance between our friendship and him so I let her go, she is still married to him to this day. 4 months is quite awhile to not see a friend I would just live your life and find things that bring happiness…and if she comes around then go but I would wait and see. I wish you the best!
Comment by Jadene — 4/14/2013 @ 12:19 pm
I love you and I love this article. Thank you so much! Perfect timing.
Comment by Depressedbutnot — 7/8/2013 @ 2:23 am
I feel like my best friend has completely replaced me for her new boyfriend. They are very serious too, which only seems to make her ignore me more. She has always done this, when she gets a boyfriend i get bumped down to second place. I am truly happy for her, and this guy could be “the one” for her, but the way she treat me since being with him make me hate him. She moved in with him too, away from me. We used to just hang out be cause she lived so close, now not nearly as much. She also ignores me when he is home. I feel like i’m just her backup when he not around. And it makes me angry, and i will admit i talk to her with more of attitude now. I just can’t get over the hurt i feel and it just makes me mad. She has told me she to busy to come see me cause she has to go shopping for her new apartment. Or she just want to spend time with him. She live with him! She sees him every day. Im lucky if i see her once a week. Even before she moved she would ignore me for him, but now it even worse. I thought she make more of an effort knowing that i was scared this would happen. But she doesn’t. She doesn’t understand that she has him, i don’t have anyone else. She was my buddy, the one i could talk to, and she abandoned me.
Comment by Sue — 7/24/2013 @ 8:40 pm
My best friend of almost 8 years has fallen madly in love with her boyfriend of 6 months. It’s really strange. Neither of us has ever really had a true relationship, and now that she is in one, it’s been hard to adjust to the new dynamics of the friendship. On one hand, I wish I had a guy of my own, and I think my feelings of being forgotten boil completely down to loneliness. But the more I think about it, I’m sure that’s not it. I’m SOOOO happy for her, and the guy is really sweet and they’re a great match! He’s always been super nice to me.
I would definitely never put my best friend in a position where she felt I was making her choose him or me. However, I don’t feel she should choose him 100% of the time. I NEVER see her anymore, and it hurts. I cry over it because I miss her so much. I love her more than I love my own sister because she’s just such a wonderful person. And now I feel things won’t ever be the same, and it just sucks. It sucks ass. I don’t think she decided she doesn’t care anymore, because I’m sure she does. I just hate feeling as if I don’t matter to her at all. I tried talking with her about it, but it just blew up in my face because she took it as me being as me being pissy and jealous (which is NOT how I went about it). I’m at a point where I want to move on, but I can’t make myself yet :/
I’m glad other people understand. It’s not just jealousy; it’s also the fact that best friends shouldn’t ditch each other, period. I hate this.
Comment by overwhelmed — 9/22/2013 @ 2:46 pm
Just to add something else, she has more time for him than she ever had for me. I guess I was never as important as I thought.
Comment by overwhelmed — 9/22/2013 @ 2:49 pm
My best friend and I have been best friends since primary school, and inseparable ever since. Around the time she turned 18 she got into a relationship with a boy she had been speaking to for about 3 months, something i suggested would be good for her. However, as soon as she told me they were dating and all the romantic things he was doing for her, i feel so left out and not part of her life any more. For example, i would stay with her when her parents went away for business, it was great we’d go to school and come home, sit around eat and watch movies until we fell asleep. However, now she does all that with him, im not longer her no.1, like she is to me, everything we shared is slowly but surely drifting away, and the void i left her with is being filled with her new boyfriend, while im left alone, completely alone. At school we are a team there really is no one else we hang round with. Now EVERY weekend theyre together and just this Saturday we made plans to meet at an ice skating rink (i’d get there first and meet them) as you can guess, that never happened, she ditched, with nothing as much as a ‘sorry’ text. What do i do? I’ve tried talking to her about it but shes so in love, even if she wont admit it, i think i’ll just fake it until i go to university and then cut out everything my childhood was built of, her.
Comment by Sarah — 2/8/2014 @ 4:53 pm
Thank you very much. I needed to be reminded that even though I’m having to share her now, she still my best friend and is just in love with a good guy.
Comment by McKynzie — 5/10/2014 @ 2:05 pm
This article kind of excuses and enables poor and immature behavior on the part of the “in love” friend.
My best friend in the world – a person I love, would do just about anything for, and care about profoundly – a person I’ve known since babyhood – has just about pushed me to my absolute limit with this kind of behavior.
I know the feeling of being consumed by love or lust. It’s an important part of this human experience; I’m not invalidating that. However, because I am the kind of person who knows balance is important, and remains sensitive to the feelings of those I care about regardless of anything I have going on, I have difficulty respecting my best friend when she behaves like this. The fact that she lies, flakes, makes excuses, and otherwise treats me disrespectfully leaves me unable to respect her relationship. Yet, according to your article, I should suppress my feelings and sacrifice my dignity to be “there for her” when the relationship ends or cools down? Maybe I had it in me to do that the first time she ditched me for a guy. And then the second time, and the third, fourth, fifth, and sixth times. This time? Not so much. It’s starting to feel toxic.
Comment by hurt — 7/20/2014 @ 2:42 pm