Real Live Preacher is having a crisis right now because some weasel of a Christian called him a false prophet. As an atheist, it just bugs me because RLP is a good writer and I enjoy reading his weblog every day and some fundamentalist moron just peed on his parade.

Whether he is a false or true prophet doesn’t bother me because I’m an atheist. He writes well. He spins stories that make me cry and laugh. I don’t care about whether he is leading God’s flock astray because I don’t believe in God. It’s all irrelevant to me unless RLP lets this jerk wreck his mojo.

I wish I could believe in God. I have no faith in God’s existence, but the belief in God seems to bring so much solace to so many people that sometimes I wish I could believe. But I’m a scientist. I’m not just a scientist, I’m a mathematician. I need to see the proof on paper.

Even if God visited me personally to prove its existence, I wouldn’t believe it. I would check myself into a hospital. I would get a CAT scan. I would talk to as many therapists as I needed to. I would find the brain tumor or the suppressed memory. I would solve the problem and find Occam’s solution.

I wish God would visit me and all of my closest friends at a party so that I had witnesses to what I experienced. Is that asking too much? If God is really omnipotent and omnipresent then it would be nothing to just pop in at my next Halloween party and visit all of us. I can just imagine what it would say to us.

“Hello, Laura, I know that you’re in the middle of hosting a party, but I thought I would drop by to acknowledge my existence. Can your friends see me? Ah yes, I see you waving at me, Dawni. Yes, you’ve been a very good girl. I’m so proud of you.  By the way, I’m male. You keep calling me he/she/it. That doesn’t really bug me, but it’s technically wrong. I chose the male persona about three thousand years ago. I had been female for so long that I thought I’d try this one out. I don’t know how long I’ll stay male, but at least as long as YOU’RE alive.

“Was there anything else you needed, Laura? Well, besides the meaning of life because I don’t think you have time for that right now, with all the drinks you need to mix and don’t forget those tombstone pudding cups in the fridge. You’ve forgotten them two years in a row now and I really think they are adorable and your guests never get to see them. Speechless? Wow! That’s a first for you.

“By the way, Dan, you really have never beat the Jesus costume that you wore the first year. I’ve looked into all that Halloweens of the future and you keep trying, but you never really feel like you reach that spectacular height again. Maybe that will make Halloween a little less stressful for you. Next year, you and Stacey are going to go as The Wolf and Little Red Riding Hood and win all the prizes, but for some reason, you will still feel that you can’t beat the Jesus costume. You might want to look into that feeling, especially now that you know that I exist.”

I can just imagine God looking around the party. The music from the computer would be playing Blasphemous Rumors by Depeche Mode and we’d feel a little guilty for never believing in him. He would dip his finger into the ranch dressing on the vegetable platter, tasting it and wrinkling his nose. “Hidden Valley Ranch!” I’d think to myself, wishing that I had thought to make the ranch dip myself instead of just using the no name brand that came with the vegetable platter. He would bring out the tombstone pudding cups from the fridge, taking one for himself. He’d spoon the chocolate and crushed Oreo confection into his mouth and take the Milano cookie tombstone out, dipping it into the pudding and taking small bites. I can imagine him looking at me.

“Is this enough? Great party, by the way. Last year you had a Dracula DVD playing, but I think Metropolis is just as spooky. I guess you all are thoroughly convinced, aren’t you? Do you need a miracle or something?” He would touch one of the wilting houseplants on the bookcase and it would bloom and flourish. “Is that enough? Ah, I can see that it is. Well, goodbye, then. I probably won’t visit you again and some of you will shake your heads and pretend it never happened. That’s ok with me, by the way. Enjoy yourself.” And he would be gone.