Braidwood talked about the most beautiful woman in the world today. I’ve always had trouble picking the most beautiful. There are so many factors and so many beauties that I am completely incapable of making a choice. It’s like the toothbrush aisle. When confronted with that many choices, I usually choose at random. When it’s time for a new toothbrush, I say, “Which one did I get last time?”
The irony is that it’s never good enough to say, “I can’t possibly choose. I could list all day long and still not be able to decide.” This is a particularly egregious offense when I am talking to women about celebrity males. They crinkle their noses and squint at me as if I’m lying. “You don’t have a favorite?” Then they roll their eyes. It’s like they can’t possibly believe that I can’t choose the most beautiful male celebrity.
So, just like the toothbrush, I chose one at random. Back then, I had seen Interview with the Vampire, so I chose Brad Pitt. Whenever anyone asked me who my favorite male celebrity was, I would tell them Brad Pitt. They would nod or argue, but I didn’t really care because they weren’t crinkling, squinting and rolling. Whether they cattily pointed out Brad Pitt’s crazy Grizzly Adams phase or gushed about his blue eyes was inconsequential to me. Sure, Brad Pitt’s beautiful, but so are a thousand other male celebrities out there. He was just a random answer chosen to shut the mouths of the women who didn’t understand the concept of “Everyone Is Beautiful.”
Brad Pitt got married, but I still just used his name whenever the question arose. Now, he’s getting divorced and there’s a question of his fidelity splashed across the tabloids. Personally, I think I liked Fight Club so much because we get to see Brad Pitt beaten to a bloody pulp. Something dark inside me wants to see the beauty crushed. It wasn’t even his fault that he got chosen for the pedestal of beauty. He was a small time actor when he was chosen arbitrarily.
It’s not like I don’t get crushes on male celebrities. I do, but no one believes me when I say them out loud. My list of celebrity crushes is diverse, ranging from Alfred Hitchcock to John Goodman, William H. Macy to Jerry Orbach and Weird Al Yankovic to Steve Buscemi. The whole reason I chose Brad Pitt way back when was because of the strange looks when I told them who my current crush was. I learned very quickly that I needed to choose a strikingly handsome crush otherwise there was something the matter with me. Either that, or they thought I was lying. “You can’t possibly have a crush on Weird Al Yankovic!” It only took a couple of times hearing that before I wised up. “You’re right. I was just joking. It’s really Brad Pitt…”