Years ago, Mike was in a car accident. He was rear-ended and pushed into the car in front of him, turning our lovely blue Acura into an accordion between the two. Thankfully, Mike was relatively unharmed by the accident. He had neck pain and headaches for a couple of weeks afterward, but he walked out of the incident without a scratch. When I considered what I could have lost in that accident, I felt selfish for lamenting our situation.

The insurance totaled the car and paid what they considered it worth. Unfortunately, it was substantially less than what we owed on the car. Suddenly, we had no car and we would still be paying car payments for over a year. That year, I cursed Key Bank so often that the office where we made our payments was closed. My Old World Italian curses have strange and unforeseen consequences.

That year, I decided that I was never going to spend a lot of money on a car again. The Acura was the coolest car that either Mike or I had ever owned. We loved that car. We drove it everywhere. The monthly payments had been a little out of our range, but we knew they were worth it because we had a really cool car. In a second, a slick rainstorm and an inattentive driver took away our car and we still had to pay for it. I decided that I would never be in that position again.

Having Mike’s bike stolen a couple of days ago brought into focus that feeling again. At any time, anything can be taken away from us: my bike, my car, my intellect. I could get into an accident and lose my entire personality to a brain injury. I could lose any of my personal belongings to thievery, fire or earthquake. I could lose the people that I love to a number of maladies. I am completely and utterly vulnerable.

There’s not a shotgun in the world that can stop an earthquake. There’s not a security system invented that could stop a car accident. There’s not insurance enough to give me back my loved ones. There is no security in the world and believing in it is merely an illusion.

I don’t remember taking the red pill. I’ve avoided all the rabbit holes. I want the illusion back. I liked that feeling of safety and security that I had on Tuesday night when I went to bed.