I had a dream Wednesday morning that I was friends with Todd Oldham. He had been introduced to me by Richard Larsen, a real estate agent that I used to work with. It made perfect sense to me that Richard knew Todd Oldham. I didn’t even question it when it was brought up in conversation.

I was so glad that I hadn’t worn my Phillipe Starck watch, even though I love it dearly. I worried that Todd was really jealous of other designers. I told him how much Dan loves Michael Graves’ designs and did the entire kitchen in Michael Graves’ ware. Todd just crinkled his nose as if I had just farted. I tried to keep my tongue in check.

Todd was dressing me up. He was choosing all the coolest clothes for me and for once I felt totally at home trying on clothes. He had these fabulous sandals that were handmade. They were the prototypes for a shoe line that he had with Target and they were ideal for me. They were size 8 and 3/4. I remember saying, “I didn’t know shoes came in quarter sizes.” He told me that it was his invention. I realize now that the quarter sizes probably meant wide, so an 8 and 3/4 was really an 8 and 1/2 W. It’s absolute genius if you ask me. No one wants their feet to be WIDE. A quarter-size larger sounds so much better.

The shoes were priced at $115 and I worried that Mike would balk at the price. Actually $115 for an original design from Todd Oldham is probably a steal, especially considering how much designers usually charge for shoes. I didn’t want Todd to know how reluctant I was to pay so much for a pair of sandals, but he already saw my eyes bug out of my head at the price.

The sandals were small little black things painted with Todd Oldham colors and shellacked heavily to protect the colors. They had four inch heels with thick bottoms and tiny straps holding them to my feet. They looked like they would hurt to wear, but they felt so fabulous and comfortable that I didn’t even want to take them off. I kept trying on clothes in the sandals. I wasn’t even self conscious by the fact that my feet were basically naked; they felt that perfect.

When I woke up, I was bothered by the fact that this was the second shopping dream I had dreamt in two days. I usually hate to shop, so having two pleasant and enjoyable shopping dreams in a row is a rarity for me. Shopping dreams are usually nightmares for me. I usually have those dreams where I’m trying my hardest just to find a black mini skirt and all I can find are clothes that are too small for me to fit in. I wake up standing outside of a store that doesn’t even carry my size.

I’m sad that I’m not best friends with Todd Oldham and he can’t pick out the best clothes for me. I need a friend to dress me because I really don’t care about fashion that much. I’m even sadder that those fabulous four-inch sandals don’t exist. Maybe I can find some regular sandals and paint them. Of course, they wouldn’t come in size 8 and 3/4. That’s the saddest part.