10-07-04: From my morning pages…edited only to preserve privacy.

10:30 am: I’ve got to write my pages so I can write some blog entries so I can write on my chapter. I have so much writing to do because I haven’t bothered to write while I’m at work. I’ve been reading comics online and just messing around. I guess I am just tired right now. Ok, that’s bullshit. The house is a mess, I’m worried about the Halloween party and I’m letting that stuff suck out my energy. Instead of just cleaning up the house and letting myself get some work done, I’m letting it drain my life force. I need to just spend all day tomorrow cleaning up the house and getting my costume ready for the year. Then I won’t have to worry about those things and I can just feel better.

I had a pretty busy morning yesterday. We got the books ready for the project and then there was nothing to do. I volunteered to go home so that I wouldn’t be bored all day at work. I thought that I could go home, enjoy some time with Mike and clean up the house. I did the first two on the list, but then I just slept. He went right back to work, but I just fell asleep. I made him dinner, which was a nice thing to do for him while he worked. I let myself have fun, too. I watched Mean Girls and crocheted. I never let myself watch the movies that I get. I really wanted to see that movie in the first run theater, then it was in the dollar theater and I wanted to see it, finally, I saw it at Blockbuster the other day, so I rented it. We went in to find the Babylon 5 pilot, but they didn’t have it. We ended up buying that one.

That’s another thing. I have spent all this time finding the Babylon 5 DVDs and I haven’t even seen any of them. We saw the pilot on Sunday and we plan to watch one every Sunday, so we’ll see how that works this weekend. I DID let myself have fun yesterday, but I think I should have cleaned the kitchen or tried to write a blog entry. I should have done a little bit of work yesterday. Should should should. I could should on myself all day. What I need to do is gonna.

Ok, I have tomorrow off, so I’m gonna start my day cleaning the house. I’m going to use that as my exercise time. I’m going to get the dishes and the laundry and clean the bathroom. I’m going to pick up the clutter on the table and at my desk. I’m going to burn DVDs all day that I’m going to pick up tonight. I have a ton of things on hold for me at the library, so I’m going to pick them up tonight. Maybe I’ll even go to the storage unit and pick up the decorations and take over some things that could be put away for the season. I guess I should make a list.

11:19 am: I didn’t make a list. I ate my snack instead. I don’t know what is the matter with me. I’m just not up to writing right now. Even writing my pages is like pulling teeth. I write a few sentences, send Mike an email. I write a few sentences and help with the toner. I write a few sentences and eat a pear. I am just having a hard time writing today. Usually writing my pages is enough to spark my creativity. I have things that I want to write about like the concept of infinite wishes and the Mean Girls movie that I just saw last night. I have things to write about, but I’m just not feeling like writing. It’s like the words don’t want to come out of my fingers.

I’m staring at my Halloween invitation. It’s sitting on my desk. I need to print about twenty or thirty more so that I can give them away at church this weekend and give them to the neighbors and such. I don’t know why I haven’t printed up more. I guess I am just waiting until things are slow and I can just sit and fold them without worrying about writing. It’s like the dishes in the sink at home. These unwritten chapters and blog entries are sapping the life out of my body, making everything else hard to complete. I need to get the petty things in my life fixed so that I can enjoy the fun fully. I had fun yesterday, but I felt guilty about not cleaning. Heck, I even felt guilty for not playing DDR. I feel guilty for not having all the fun that is possible to have sometimes. Isn’t fun just supposed to be fun? Can’t I just enjoy it and not think about the other fun that I could have.

Well, I’ve written two paragraphs, so now I’m going to go cook my food and eat my lunch. 11:47 am: Lunch eaten I’m back. Thinking about putting the food I’ve eaten into my Palm, but feeling guilty for not finishing these damn pages and I want to know what the hell is the matter with me. Maybe I need to get back into The Artist’s Way. I never finished that book. I need something to jump start my creativity. It’s not like the ideas and words aren’t there. It’s like my fingers are tired of typing. I don’t know what’s the matter with me. Maybe I’ll just finish my pages and post them unedited online. Ok, I named names, so I’ll have to edit them some. Editing itself sounds like a burden.

12:03 pm: I put my food into my Palm. I played a game of BeJeweled and got a high score. I played a game of Collapse and got a high score. I played a game of Nisqually and realized that I’m still figuring that game out. I am going to finish these pages if it kills me. I am just going to write about crap until I get to the end of the page and I’m not going to let anything else get in the way. I’m just going to type until I fill the page, even if I fill the page with, “I have nothing to say today,” over and over again. I am just going to keep typing until I’m finished.

I just feel so empty. I know I have ideas. I know I have things that I want to say. I know that I’m going to eventually write them down. I just don’t know why they don’t want to come out of my fingers right now. As I am typing this, I’m thinking about Chapter 10. I have ideas for it. I know what I want to do with it. I don’t have to worry about anything, yet I’m not writing them down. I’m not putting them into motion.

I’m not putting pen to paper either. It’s not like I’m writing in another medium. I’m not writing by hand. I’m not typing on the computer. I’m not tapping out on the Palm. I’m doing nothing. I’m not even being creative in a different art. There is an unfinished painting in the basement that just needs to be whitewashed to be finished. It hasn’t been touched for months. At first it was drying, but it has been dry for so long that it is technically forgotten right now. I haven’t sung with the choir this year. They started meeting again in August, but I haven’t attended once. I haven’t drawn anything for a long time.

I’m not dry. I have plenty of ideas. They just won’t come out of my fingers. Maybe I need to do some finger exercises. Maybe I need a finger massage. I just don’t know what I’m going to do about this. I guess I’ll just write my morning pages every day and just post them. That’s all I can do sometimes.